It was lovely - till it went very wrong :-(

[punkypossum]

Me and my friend went for what started off as a nice little pootle round the local lanes and paths this afternoon - it was lovely, although a bit cold, and we were really enjoying it. We then decided to try a new route that looked like a shortcut, but meant cutting across a field... It was only a small field, no cows in it, the gate was open,... The only thing was, there was what looked like a fairly large muddy puddle patch at the entrance. Not a problem I thought, got knobbly tyres, don't mind a bit of dirt, should be fine and off I go cycling in front.. First couple of yards are fine, although the mud had at this point revealed itself as cowsh$t...unfortunately it was getting deeper. I thought if I just manage to keep the momentum going, I should come out on the other side with nothing worse than a rather mucky bike. Unfortunately, by this point the poo pool was deep enough to go up to the wheel axle, the bike slowly ground to a halt and I stood with one foot on a reasonably firm bit, the other one in cowmuck halfway up my calves.

Decided the best way forward would be to just wade back the way I had come, but my friend convinced me that if I went sideways, we might be able to lift the bike over the fence... I was dubious, but decided it was worth a try, only to get there after a bit more wading to find out there was no way of lifting the bike over as the fence in question was way too high, the bike way too grubby, and my footing unstable to say the least. So I decided to try and go round the outside on the other side of the fileld, thinking the ground should be firmer near the edge...unfortunately it was getting dark at this point, and when I got near the edge, it turned there was no actual edge to the field, it just led into a mudstream which was worse than what I was already stuck in. Plus, this side had a barbed wire fence, which was totally useless to hold on to At this point I found myself literally stranded and surrounded by poo on all sides, with no other option left but to wade back to where we had come from using the bike as a stabiliser. The poor wheels sunk more than halfway, and then I had to drag the bike back out for the next step... At this point I had given up caring about wading through poo - which was halfway up my shins on both legs by now-, but was getting really concerned as I almost had my shoes sucked off my feet with every step I took and I kept thinking I was going to lose my balance and take a full poobath...

Anyway, I made it back to the other side without the worst happening, and fortunately we were only a couple of miles from home. Poor bike made the most unhappy grinding noises, the brakes were rubbing like nobody's business, the gears kept jumping and I smelled like I had just been excavated from a farmyard. Fortunately, it was dark at this point, so at least the last few walkers couldn't see that I was covered up to the knee in sh$t. Got home and had to say goodbye to my beloved trainers - it was clear they would never recover from the experience (the verdict is still out on the trousers), then wash the cowmuck of myself, and then spent a couple of hours in the freezing cold washing the bike to get it back to some resemblence of cleanliness as well as to restore brakes and gears to working order and then unfortunately the whole backyard needed a scrub as well, as this was now covered in an even layer of rather smelly watered down poo... And all my friend had to say was "I should have filmed it and put in on YouTube!". Overall, not a very good Sunday outing

Sorry about the endless rant, just had to get it out of my system

 

[zimzum42]

I was pissed off at having to be at work on a Sunday, but that cheered me up a treat!

I think there are magazines for what you're into.......

 

[Elmer Fudd]

Appearing in the latest issue of Whoopy doo poo .........

 

[cyclebum]

We were out walking with some friends and all our kids a number of years ago when 1 of our girls and 1 of theirs ran straight into the middle of a slurry pit and got stuck. eventually my friend wadded into pull out her daughter only to leave the wellies in situ! She got her daughter and mine out but then took the dreaded 'bath' I nearly lost a friend that day as she was not amused at my histerics, but from my side the whole thing was just so funny. At least she laughs about it too now.
We got back to our house and she had to litteraly strip off at the back door before spending the next hour in the shower!
I hope you've got over the worst and can now tell the story with a smile on your face.

 

[Arch]

Ugh, doesn't sound nice, but have a drink or two and retell it, it'll seem much funnier. Tell it as if you've sprinkled it withlots of , and . Embroider it like mad. Even add in a bull if you like or a gang on puzzled heifers. Pretty soon, you'll have a fantastic tale to tell whenever you're down the pub...

 

[cyclebum]

great idea Arch

 

[punkypossum]

It was bad enough as it was thank you very much, don't feel any need to embroider it! The bike, although it is as clean as I could get it, still smells like a farmyard and is adding a lovely aroma to my hallway...The trousers are in the wash (by themselves) and I'm hoping that, unlike the trainers, they might be salvagable

 

[cyclebum]

Cheer up, and put it down to experience. At least you had a friend with you. When I tried riding across and unridable field, thick sloppy mud etc.. and occupied with cows, I was on my own and felt so stupid. I kept looking round to check I wasn't being watched
Mind you it was no where near as bad as your experience, but it was the beginning of not one of my best rides. I was following a cycle guide that always gets me lost, but this particular day seemed worse. It should have been a 29 mile ride but at just over 1/2 way round I had already done 22 I had gone wrong that many times! . I spent most of the time cycling into the wind and I was getting pretty knackered. I realised that the way the route took me I was actually only about 3 miles from the car so I just gave up. Pitty as I think it could have been a nice ride especially riding through the centre of Tatton Park.

 

[surfgurl]

Don't worry. I am just waiting for the day when I have an off on the bridlepath and end up in the rhyne (a Somerset water ditch.) They are all covered in green algae and the stench is released as soon as the top levelof algae is broken. They have steep muddy sides and often have rats in them too.
I shall then have to limp to the school where I work and be laughed at by all the kids before (hopefully) I can get a shower. I shall then reek for the rest of my shift.

 

[punkypossum]

Don't want to cheer up, quite happily wallowing in self-pity and demanding sympathy!!!

 

[cyclebum]

Wollow away girl, though er haven't you done enough of that

 

[mondobongo]

Ah the joys of shortcuts, we cut across a field once got to the other side where there was a small wall I decided to climb over first and my mate was going to pass the bikes over. Its a cobbled together wall with a small fence I put one foot over lifted the other foot and my first foot found a nice patch of moss to go with my cleat whoosh there I am straddling the fence with nothing to put my feet on and I have now discovered the barbed wire. There was nothing for it other than my mate to lift a leg and unceremoniously dump me off the fence. Bloody painful shortcut I can tell you.

 

[gbb]

Crikey Punky...thats something that happened to me 30 years ago...in slightly different circumstances.
We used to drive Landrovers cross country surveying for coalfields.
We pulled up at the gate to a field we had to cross. I jumped out, held gate open while the other 3 in the L/R drove through.....straight into a poo pit
I quickly sunk up to its axles and beyond...the driver of that L/R desperately trying to free it by rocking the gears.
The surface was broken, the slime was above the doors so they couldnt just jump out...my mate on the back jumped off and we left them to their fate. (laughing uncontrollably)
The stench was unbelievable..i dont think i ever larffed so much.

Had to bring another L/R to free them

Oh the joy we had on that job....

 

[cyclebum]

I'm just going to add my own it was lovely until.... though definetly not up to your standard Punky.
i was going to go the gym this morning but I left it a bit too late to catch my xbike class. So I decided as it ws such a beautiful day to wait till it warmed up a bit then get out on the road.
It really was lovely, though taking no chances with the head (see past post on brainfreeze!) having had difficulty buying a buff yet, I dug out a beach bandana and managed to tuck that up under my helmet. I set off but before the end of the road my fingerless gloves were proving totally ineffective so went back and put some leather gloves underneath. This worked quite well except I couldn't change down with my left thumb until the leather softned up a bit. I struggled on for a bit but my ears were so cold I had to stop again to pull down my bandana. then my hands got to hot so I was finally able to take off the leather ones. By this stage I had done about 8-9 miles and was finaly going quite well till a squirral ran out in front of me, just as I thought I had missed it the stupid bugger changed direction and I think I ran over its tail!
But shortly after this the cold started to get to me, my bum started to ache which I found odd, my right knee ached then my left hip. I was frozen to the core by the time I got home and I'm just about thawed out now after a long hot shower. I felt on the whole it was an awful ride but hopefully it was the effect of the cold and not my fitness level rapidy diminishing!

 

[andy_wrx]

One of our neighbours has a red setter dog, which like all setters is 'enthusiastic' (i.e. bloody loopy).

A couple of Christmases ago, he came back from a party completely sozzled, but had to quickly take the dog out before bed.

In his drunken state, he didn't realise that the farmer had that day spread chicken manure over the field, walked-out into it then the dog pulled him over face-first by the lead and along in it.

His wife wouldn't let him in in that state, forced him to get undressed in the porch. Again, in his drunken state, he didn't realise that the Christmas lights perfectly illuminated his striptease.

The dog went in the garage overnight before a hosepiping in the morning.