Kids are little S####

[mr_hippo]

This week we discovered my son had been spending his whole lunch locked in the toilet cubicle reading books to avoid this kid.

Although I left school 45 years ago, I read that sentence through a veil of tears. I do not remember any bullying in primary school; a bit of gentle teasing maybe but that was all.
Mine started when I went to grammar school, I do not want to say why I was bullied so forgive me. Someone suggested hitting the bullies; at the age of 11 I was over 6 ft tall and my bullies were smaller than I - big boy being bullied hits smaller bullies, who would get into trouble - the big boy!
What about home life? Not only did my parents bully me but they actively encouraged my 5 siblings to bully me as well!
I overheard one of my aunts talking to Dad about it and his reply? "Don't worry about him, he'll be alright."!!!
fossyant, I know that you and your wife will give him all the love and support he needs and hope that the school can resolve the problem.

 

[Darbo]

Sorry about your problems with regard to bullying, we had the same with our son when he was at school. We got no satisfaction from the school when I broached the subject with them direct. I went to see my GP to discuss the issues he advised me that the school had a duty of care to my son and that he would contact the school direct. Low and behold this happened and the bullying was sorted.
Best of luck

 

[summerdays]

Doesn't solve the problem that this kid will probably go somewhere else and bully, nor that the bullies may be at the same secondary school.

When we were appealing for secondary school (on different grounds), they asked why we hadn't applied to the nearest school - it wasn't on our choice list at all. I told them it was that a child who my daughter had been bullied by was going there. So you may be able to use it as grounds for appeal - I don't know - it certainly might support a case.

For that daughter - no 2, this girl bullied both the girls and boys in the class. She had children eating off the ground, licking her shoes (I mean literally), and physical bullying too. Somehow she was one of those children that was believed when ever she was accused of being a bully. I didn't realise until after she left that she had caused one of the other children to break their arm. Problem was somehow she was the popular girl - and most wanted to be her friend - though not my daughter luckily she missed most of it as she wasn't in this circle that continuely went in and out of favour.

Even though she is not at the same school as her she still has had a few problems when she has met her on the streets. I know its wrong of me - but I do wish she gets her come-uppence at some point. So far she seems to have sailed through it all with out mud sticking to her.

I'm really not sure what the answer is to bullying - what have the school said to the fact your son is in the toilets at lunchtime? Do you know any of the lunch time staff that are supervising in the playground - could you get them to keep an eye on things. What about his friends are they being bullied or could they help support him any way? Do they have a box were they can report problems they are having?

I wish you the best of luck - it can leave a parent feeling so helpless, not sure what the best way to support their child but knowing what they would love to do was go into school and shout at the child to leave their child alone. (Don't do that - a friend tried to talk to a bully and the child got all upset and the parent got banned from the playground for a week.)

 

[Crankarm]

When we were appealing for secondary school (on different grounds), they asked why we hadn't applied to the nearest school - it wasn't on our choice list at all. I told them it was that a child who my daughter had been bullied by was going there. So you may be able to use it as grounds for appeal - I don't know - it certainly might support a case.

For that daughter - no 2, this girl bullied both the girls and boys in the class. She had children eating off the ground, licking her shoes (I mean literally), and physical bullying too. Somehow she was one of those children that was believed when ever she was accused of being a bully. I didn't realise until after she left that she had caused one of the other children to break their arm. Problem was somehow she was the popular girl - and most wanted to be her friend - though not my daughter luckily she missed most of it as she wasn't in this circle that continuely went in and out of favour.

Even though she is not at the same school as her she still has had a few problems when she has met her on the streets. I know its wrong of me - but I do wish she gets her come-uppence at some point. So far she seems to have sailed through it all with out mud sticking to her.

I'm really not sure what the answer is to bullying - what have the school said to the fact your son is in the toilets at lunchtime? Do you know any of the lunch time staff that are supervising in the playground - could you get them to keep an eye on things. What about his friends are they being bullied or could they help support him any way? Do they have a box were they can report problems they are having?

I wish you the best of luck - it can leave a parent feeling so helpless, not sure what the best way to support their child but knowing what they would love to do was go into school and shout at the child to leave their child alone. (Don't do that - a friend tried to talk to a bully and the child got all upset and the parent got banned from the playground for a week.)

Reminds me of one incident when I had first started going to grammar school. We were waiting outside the train station for bizarrely the school bus to take us to school 15 miles away which was late. It was when winters were frequently very cold. Two bigger lads had grabbed either end of my scarf and were pulling as hard as they could like tug 0 war. I was rapidly turning blue and my life was being squeezed out of me. Next thing this chap had jumped out of a car and grabbed one of these lads about 16-17 years old and pinned him up against a wall by his neck. I thought he was going to do him serious harm. Anyway this bloke let go after a bit after reading him the riot act, I then realised that this bloke was my Dad . He'd not gone to work by car as his own car had a flat battery or something or other so Mum had dropped him down to the train station. My old man contacted the school, went to have a 'friendly' chat with the head. From then on the two lads treated me with utmost respect after that in fact were positively friendly. Actually they weren't really nasty guys, that was later to come as the school had quite a bullying problem. I didn't tell my parents that the bullying commenced again in earnest a couple of years later. It made me so miserable and helpless. I was constantly thinking of ways to get out of certain activities or avoid certain things, places, people. I occasionally reflect on much on the stuff I endured as a kid at that school and even now decades on it feels very unpleasant and I try not to dwell on it.

In life it's a sad fact you have to stick up for yourself. There are seldom other people to do it for you. The same behviours I saw in the playground and in the classroom, I have seen in the workplace. Young bullies grow into adult bullies unless they are stopped. Pandering to them is useless. Most bullies are cunning and deceitful. A gentle talk isn't going to achieve anything. Bullying is the abuse of power of one individual over another whether physical or mental. Bullies bully as they see they can control people through fear. They know they can get away with it most of the time. The bullies in my situation only stopped when they came up against much bigger, stronger or capable people who could physically and mentally control them in return as they were NOT scared of them thus putting a stop to the bullying.

Strange one never hears the other side from parents struggling to deal with kids who are bullies, it's always victims of bullying. No adult ever says, "actually I was a nasty bully at school......ruining and making a misery of countless other kids' childhoods."

 

[summerdays]

I think there is a difference between primary and secondary school bullying. I think secondary school are more aware its a problem in the first place. And the child is that bit older - but at primary school I think you really need to get the school on side. The problem is how do you do that without coming across as a paranoid parent. Perhaps see if you can find other children who are suffering and get them to complain as well - nicely in a calm manner.

 

[XmisterIS]

I'll ask if they train teachers in psychology.....pretty sure they do - I work with teacher trainers...

Yes, they should at least be studying Piaget's stages of child development , Bowlby's parenting model and also Attachment Theory (Bowlby and Parkes). If they're not, then God help the kids!

 

[swee'pea99]

Horrible situation - I feel for you & your child. My own youngest's last few years have been blighted not by bullying but just by one kid in the class who's hyperactively disruptive. Your situation is worse, but I know the (sort of) feeling.

It's a really hard one to deal with/get dealt with. The only thing I can suggest is to see if you can get other parents to get together with you to demand that something is done - and make clear that you are not requesting, you are demanding. Heads are human, and many will try to ignore such situations in the hope that they will sort themselves out in time. Plus, if you complain, it's just 'your word against theirs'; if there are four or five of 'you', it becomes far more compelling, and far more difficult to ignore.

The child concerned has probably had a hard time, by your account of his parentage. But that's no reason why he should be allowed to persecute yours. The head must deal with it. If they don't, get onto the governors. If that doesn't work, get onto the local authority.

Good luck.

 

[Crankarm]

fossyant - times have changed. Kids don't get caned any more or beaten, well they are not supposed to be. What ever the hoops you have to jump through to get this sorted make sure you play hard and if need be - dirty as from some one who was on the receiving end of sustained nasty bullying this has to stop asap. If you either need to threaten to sue the school or ultimately remove him then so be it. Schools don't like publicity either so that is also something you could use. Play dirty if you have to. It's your kid and we only get one chance to make the best for them starting out on life's long path.

Could you not kit him out with a head cam and microphone? The ones us cyclists wear are very good .

 

[Yellow Fang]

It can be rubbish being a school child. You don't get any control over which school you go to. You can't just hand in your notice. You feel like a grass if you report bullying to teacher. If you do report it, it's often not sorted out anyway. Often teachers aren't interested in your problems until it becomes a problem to them. It has to be sorted though. Kids don't go to school to be miserable, and it can affect their self-confidence long-term.

 

[ttcycle]

How did it go Foss? Hope you got some results.

Having endured hellish physical and psychological bullying that continued through two schools and started at a very young age I hope the school stamps this out. One thing though, it taught me some good skills the very hard way and some not so good skills-lol.

 

[fossyant]

The head was pretty good, my son has direct access to her and she'll check every day. She was receptive to hear what we said - we were very 'reasonable' about it, as she'd spent most of the day checking up and getting stories sorted - it's all been documented.

The 'bully' was taken in to the Head today, and upon being quizzed, admitted it and bust into tears. He'd also 'upset' another girl today also.

It's going to be monitored, all the teachers are aware, and if my son is feeling threatened he can come in and go on the computers or read if he wants - no hiding in the loos.

Anyway, good result so far, let's see what happens in the next few weeks - my son knows to speak to us and the Head.

My worry is the 'bully' needs some attention, as we said we felt maybe something wasn't right in his personal life. These are Primary kids, second year in Juniors.

I'll be back if it re-occurs, but at least the bully has had his 'collar felt'..... for now. Much better than when this was raised in Reception - the teacher was a battle axe, and my son was accused of lying - they were only 5 then. It's easier to judge the kids when they've been there 4 years....my son's got a good reputation with the teachers, the 'bully' is known to be disruptive.

Well the dirty washing's been aired.

As a treat, my son was asked what he wanted for tea........NOODLES was the answer, so off I went to the Chinese !

 

[PBancroft]

You're right. Bullies are always cowards and the shock effect of suddenly getting one hard smash in the face as they are about to start on their next round of low level psycho-torment sorts them out to the benefit of all, including themselves.

Beg to differ. Some are certainly cowards, maybe even most but not all. We had one or two at my school who were hard as nails and delighted in anyone taking the initiative in giving them a thump - looking back they seemed to be on the lookout for someone willing to fight back so that they had a half decent challenge!

 

[ttcycle]

The 'bully' was taken in to the Head today, and upon being quizzed, admitted it and bust into tears.


My worry is the 'bully' needs some attention, as we said we felt maybe something wasn't right in his personal life. These are Primary kids, second year in Juniors.

Foss, that's very true. It sounds as if he's got some issues he needs support with - hopefully if the school are any good they will be looking into that. Bullying starts from insecurity and often a messed up home life. Despite my background, I have sympathy for why sometimes people respond the way they do. Hopefully the kid will get some support ie counselling and if things are really that bad at home, maybe he might get moved to foster parents. Who knows.

Glad to hear the school are taking positive steps. Hope your son is happier.

 

[PBancroft]

I'll be back if it re-occurs, but at least the bully has had his 'collar felt'..... for now.

Good news!

 

[Arch]

My worry is the 'bully' needs some attention, as we said we felt maybe something wasn't right in his personal life. These are Primary kids, second year in Juniors.

I'm listening to the news about the Edlington kids, and thinking you're right there. Letting stuff go can lead to some seriously f***** up kids and then adults. Some parents don't deserve to have kids, just to ruin them, and by extension, the lives of others...

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the Chinese!