Modern Nursery rhymes

[Dayvo]

Are sole, are sole, a soldier I will be
Too pissed, too pissed, too pistols on my knee
For q, for q, for curiosity
We'll fight for the old cu*t, fight for the old cu*t, fight for the old country.


There was a man from Newcastle
who did a shoot in a parcel.
He sent it to Spain
to explain
that he had a very big peanut

The was a man from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Tufts of grass
grew out of his arse
and his bum was full of weeds.

Hilarious as a 12-year-old!

 

[Lisa21]

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who is the fairest of them all??
well, said the mirror with a grunt
It isnt you, you ugly person

 

[Deleted member 1258]

There was an old party of Lyme,
Who married three wives at one time
When they asked, "Why the third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"


There was once a prostitute named Sue
Who filled her f**** with glue
She said with a grin
they pay to get in
And they'll pay to get out too.

There was a young man from Darjeeling,
Who got on a bus bound for Ealing;
It said at the door:
'Do not spit on the floor.'
So he leant back and spat on the ceiling.


Thats all folks, I cant remember any more.

 

[Cubist]

There was a young man from Westphalia
Who painted his arse like a dalia
The petals were fine,
The colours- divine
But the aroma? Now, that was a failure

 

[Pat "5mph"]

I'm no good at rhymes or poetry but one that has stuck in my mind for a long time is this from an 80's comedy show:

I found a little robin, It had a broken wing
and though it could no longer fly, still it tried to sing.

It look so helpless lying there I could not be a louse
so I picked it up, petted it and took it in the house.

I fed it bread, I fed it worms, I fed it choco-lat
and when it put on lots of weight, I fed it to the cat!

 

[JtB]

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkey like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

 

[mr_hippo]

Oh, darling Grace
I love your face
I`ve seen you in your nightie
When to moonlight rests
Upon your breast
Jesus Christ Almighty

Ther was another version
Oh, darling Grace
I love your face
I`ve seen you in your nightie
When to moonlight flits

But cannot remember how it ends