Not happy

[Posting Anon]

I am a regular Cycle Chatter posting anonymously.

I am a bloke. There is a woman I have become a little friendly with since we have a hobby (underwater basket weaving will do for now) in common, I pick her up and drop her off when the group gets together as she lives on my route. I have been doing this for a few months now though I rarely spend any direct time with her otherwise while we are engage in our hobby. I also have no contact with her outside of the hobby.

Yesterday she called me and told me that she had been sexually assulted and though she had called and reported it to the police she didn't have anyone else she could call on. I arranged to drop by after work to see that she was ok.

She was very distressed and told me a few of the details of the assult and then also told me that she had asked the police not to pursue a proscecution. I am not sure of her reasons for that but I respected her decision on that. She said the person who assulted her was a neighbour.

Anyway, having held her while she cried and sat with her while she tried to talk about things. She then hesitated before saying something. I asked her what it was, thinking that she was going to tell me some more about the assult. Instead she said 'I love you!'.

She then said that it was because she thought I was lovely for helping her so I let it pass.

A little later on she said 'Can I give you a kiss?'.
I thought Whoa there! I said to her that I wasn't there to get invoved with her and wasn't looking to take advantage of her nor be taken advantage off.
She had a little strop and said I was over reacting to the offer of a thankful peck on the cheek. She then lean forward and planted a kiss on my cheek.

I wasn't sure if I was over reacting and I was also thinking that if she had just been assulted then her emotions were going to be all over the place so I didn't want to be over defensive in rebutting her.

We had some coffee and she then reelled off a monolog of how she feels she has at last found someone who she could really be in love with and would be wonderful for her. That person was apparently me!

I did continue to sit with her for a while longer explaining that I wasn't interested but she then kept on pushing the point, trying to kiss me and asking what my ideal woman would be and how she could fit that and looking for things we had in common.

Eventually I had had enough, it was becoming both scary and distressing for me to be there and so I decided to leave.
She excused herself to go to the toilet first and while up there 'had a fall' banging her head.
She wasn't seriously hurt so I left.

I am now getting concerned that:
a. The assult may be a ruse to get me there (though it could be genuine).
b. She may become a nightmare stalker.
c. She may now be making a crime report against me for something because I have rejected her advances. That may also be an alternative background to the original assult story where she is not pressing charges.

I can't really avoid her as we have an exhibition of underwater woven baskets to present and we will both need to be in attendance.

I'm not sure what I should do now.

 

[Fnaar]

Blimey, difficult one.
Question 1: While you were chatting, was there any alcohol involved? That generally changes things.
2) If you have none of those feelings for her, phone her (or email) and say look, I count you as a friend, and as such I would support you through the darkest of times, but that's as far as it goes.
Good luck.

 

[Lisa21]

I would be very VERY careful with this. Seriously. She sounds a very troubled person and you need to keep your distance. If you do have to meet up again-in whatever context-do yourself a big favour and get a voice recorder and have it on in your pocket so any dialogue is recorded. You may need that some day

 

[Posting Anon]

She said she did have a couple of drinks and I could understand that if she was trying to cope with the shock of being assulted.
I wasn't drinking.
I made my feelings clear at the time but maybe I should reinforce that again. I have no interest in her in that way and my response to helping her was no different to what I would have offered anyone else I know.

 

[Fnaar]

I sort of had a similar one years ago while at uni. A girl I was going out with, who'd split up with a guy I knew* "received" through the post a letter containing a joker playing card with a razor blade attached, so that you could have cut your finger on it if you'd opened the envelope in a certain manner (she didn't). She went to great lengths to prove it was her ex... she let it go in the end, and as she proved herself to have more than a screw loose, we went our separate ways. But I always suspected she'd fabricated the whole incident (but she was physically gorgeous, so...)

*he subsequently became a good mate of mione, but we've never talked about "the incident". Anyways...

 

[Posting Anon]

If you do have to meet up again-in whatever context-do yourself a big favour and get a voice recorder and have it on in your pocket so any dialogue is recorded. You may need that some day

I think I will do that, not sure how but I may also have a chat with the person organising our hobby.

 

[Archie_tect]

Just play it by ear... treat her with politeness at any events when you meet her and see how she reacts to you in public. If you are concerned that she was setting you up, have a chat with a mutual friend, if she has one.

[Edit: just read your last sentence... good idea- same thought.]

 

[yello]

It sounds an awful position to be in. And it sounds as though you really really tried to handle it respectfully and genuinely. So big credit for that.

If it were me, I'd tell her my concerns. That is, the a,b and c you listed. Then very slowly and carefully tell her (again) that you respect her and value her friendship. That you are there to help her if she needs, but only as a friend. She how she takes it. That may take a while for her to respond.

If the assault report is genuine, and you ought assume that it is, then she is probably emotionally all over the place, as you say. Give her time to get herself together again, stay firm with the friendship line but do stay there for her.

 

[Posting Anon]

Just play it by ear... treat her with politeness at any events when you meet her and see how she reacts to you in public. If you are concerned that she was setting you up, have a chat with a mutual friend, if she has one.

We don't have any mutual friends. I hardly know her but have, out of politeness, been car sharing to our hobby.
I don't even spend any time with here there, we just get on with our own thing once there and I spend much of the time with the people there who are my friends.

 

[Posting Anon]

If the assault report is genuine, and you ought assume that it is, then she is probably emotionally all over the place, as you say. Give her time to get herself together again, stay firm with the friendship line but do stay there for her.

Yes, I have had friends who have been assulted in the past so I know her emotions could be everywhere. I gave her the benefit of the doubt all through due to that but now I feel that I could have been naively drawn into a trap.

Thinking about it she has my DNA and fingerprints all over the place, I went up to use the toilet too during the course of the evening, and a bump on the head!

 

[PaulB]

She sounds like a right nutter and you're right to be concerned about accusations she might make against you. I doubt that she was assaulted by the sounds of it. She was either not touched at all (well, touched in the head, obviously) or had consensual sex with someone she regrets having consensual sex with and she may start projecting on to you. Write everything down and keep a record and if you're called on to explain why, you've got justifiable reason. Is there another woman in the class you can confide in? She may have exhibited nutter-ish behavious previously and others may be aware of it. Lastly, that "having a fall" thing; she was obviously pissed or doped up. Either way, give her a wide swerve in the future.

 

[Archie_tect]

If it takes that turn then it's just your word against hers... if you are worried contact someone ... possibly your local victim support group- she may have done this before.

 

[Lisa21]

We don't have any mutual friends. I hardly know her but have, out of politeness, been car sharing to our hobby.
I don't even spend any time with here there, we just get on with our own thing once there and I spend much of the time with the people there who are my friends.

IF her assault was genuine then of course her head would have been all over the place but to behave in the way she did, with someone that it sounds like she barely knows, sounds more like an emotional timebomb than anything else imho. I personally would engineer it so that you are NEVER alone with her, and just be so careful, I hope to god im wrong but I can see this turning nasty for you.

 

[Posting Anon]

If it takes that turn then it's just your word against hers... if you are worried contact someone ... possibly your local victim support group- she may have done this before.

That's a good point.
I will look in to that now.

Thanks.

 

[Speicher]

It sounds like she is the sort of person who may have done this before.

Your Presentation of Woven Baskets, there will be plenty of other people around, I guess. Confide in someone, and try to make sure that at the presentaion they (your confidante) is not very far away from you at all times.

It sounds like you have made your opinions clear to her. Do you need to attend Basket weaving next week? Surely you have a friend with a 30th/40th birthday that is absolutely unmissable, and you have forgotten to tell her, so you cannot car share next week.

As Lisa21 says, be very careful in this situation. Ask yourself why she has not got a female friend to turn to. It seems strange to me, to turn to a man for support if it was a man who alledgedlly assaulted her.