spandex
I love Dr D
What is the definition of suspicion?
A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
Nuns in the Nude
- Thread starter Tetedelacourse
- Start date
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Three nuns die in a car crash and go to heaven.
As they waltz through the pearly gates St. Peter says "Hang on, you can't just wander in like that, you've got to prove your faith".
"I've got to ask you all a question and if you get it right, you're in."
He turns to the first nun and asks "Where was Jesus born?"
"Easy", says the nun, "he was born in a stable in Bethlehem!"
"You're in" says St. Peter
He turns to the second nun and asks "Who sits at the right hand of God?"
"Erm ... Jesus" says the nun
"You're in" says St. Peter
"Now then" he says, turning to the last nun, "because you're a Mother Superior, I've got to ask you a more difficult question"
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him without his fig leaf?"
"Oh," says the nun, "that's a hard one"
"You're in" says St. Peter
As they waltz through the pearly gates St. Peter says "Hang on, you can't just wander in like that, you've got to prove your faith".
"I've got to ask you all a question and if you get it right, you're in."
He turns to the first nun and asks "Where was Jesus born?"
"Easy", says the nun, "he was born in a stable in Bethlehem!"
"You're in" says St. Peter
He turns to the second nun and asks "Who sits at the right hand of God?"
"Erm ... Jesus" says the nun
"You're in" says St. Peter
"Now then" he says, turning to the last nun, "because you're a Mother Superior, I've got to ask you a more difficult question"
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him without his fig leaf?"
"Oh," says the nun, "that's a hard one"
"You're in" says St. Peter
KitsuneAndy
New Member
- Location
- Norwich
Chuffy said:I still recall with great fondness the confusion that joke caused over on C+...
I love that joke. Just the way loads of people are so confused about it for ages before it finally sinks in
I'm too scared to post any of my jokes on here for fear of offending people and getting lynched
OP
OP
Tetedelacourse
New Member
- Location
- Rosyth
Man runs into a pub and, in a panic, asks the barman "how tall are penguins?" The barman replies "dunno, 2ft, maybe 3max?". The man says "oh shoot I just ran over a nun."
Andy in Sig
Vice President in Exile
- Location
- Sigmaringen, Germany
What's black and white and red all over?
A pregnant nun in confession.
A pregnant nun in confession.
Jacomus-rides-Gen
New Member
- Location
- Guildford / London
A bus full of Nuns is along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particulary tight corner and crashes down into a ravine where it explodes, all of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.
The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns enterance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP enterance to a rock concert but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.
Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"
The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."
Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.
He asks the second Nun the same thing who replies "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.
Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.
Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter sister?"
the Nun replies "Nothing's wrong I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it"
The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns enterance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP enterance to a rock concert but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.
Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"
The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."
Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.
He asks the second Nun the same thing who replies "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.
Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.
Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter sister?"
the Nun replies "Nothing's wrong I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it"
Elmer Fudd
Miserable Old Bar Steward
- Location
- Durham, and I am the eejit
Little old Jewish fella dies and goes to heaven where St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Can I help you ?" says St. Peter,
"I would like to see my boy" says the Jewish fella.
St. Peter says "Do you think you could describe him, there are a lot of people up here, has he any distinguishing features?"
"Well" says the Jewish fella, "he has holes in his hands and holes in his feet"
"I think I know just who you are on about" says St. Peter and runs off, returning 5 minutes later with Jesus.
Jesus flings the Pearly Gates open shouting "Father !"
"Pinnochio !!" screams the little Jewish fella.
"Can I help you ?" says St. Peter,
"I would like to see my boy" says the Jewish fella.
St. Peter says "Do you think you could describe him, there are a lot of people up here, has he any distinguishing features?"
"Well" says the Jewish fella, "he has holes in his hands and holes in his feet"
"I think I know just who you are on about" says St. Peter and runs off, returning 5 minutes later with Jesus.
Jesus flings the Pearly Gates open shouting "Father !"
"Pinnochio !!" screams the little Jewish fella.
Arch
Married to Night Train
- Location
- Salford, UK
Not a joke, and sorry to break the flow, but apparently there was in the Middle Ages a convent in France which had a parrot, who had learned to say Hail Marys etc. Another convent some distance away asked to have the parrot visit them, so that they could admire his holiness. So it was sent.
By barge.
And when it got there, the Bargees had taught it a load of new words, and it had to repent...
By barge.
And when it got there, the Bargees had taught it a load of new words, and it had to repent...
Chuffy
Veteran
- Location
- On the banks of the Exe
It's like meeting a bunch of old, old, old friends.
OP
OP
Tetedelacourse
New Member
- Location
- Rosyth
That's a good story.
Reminds me of that god-awful joke I posted a while back. Something like:
Convent of nuns decide to renovate a church. They run low on paint so one suggests they use paint thinner to dilute the paint so they can finish the job. The priest comes in at the end, sees the patches and thin sections and shouts "repaint, and thin no more".
Reminds me of that god-awful joke I posted a while back. Something like:
Convent of nuns decide to renovate a church. They run low on paint so one suggests they use paint thinner to dilute the paint so they can finish the job. The priest comes in at the end, sees the patches and thin sections and shouts "repaint, and thin no more".
andy_wrx
Über Member
A nun goes rushing all flustered into the Mother Superiors office
'Calm yourself my dear, whatever is the matter'
'Mother, Mother, terrible news - there's a case of syphillis in the convent !'
'Oh that doesn't sound bad my dear, it'll make a nice change at communion instead of that cheap merlot'
(I reckon this will kill the thread...)
'Calm yourself my dear, whatever is the matter'
'Mother, Mother, terrible news - there's a case of syphillis in the convent !'
'Oh that doesn't sound bad my dear, it'll make a nice change at communion instead of that cheap merlot'
(I reckon this will kill the thread...)
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
A nun goes rushing all flustered into the Mother Superiors office.
'Calm yourself my dear, whatever is the matter?'
'Mother, Mother, terrible news. There's a rumour that only one nun here is a virgin!'
'What on earth . . . ?'
'Yes, Mother, it's terrible news.'
Then after a moments contemplation, Mother Superior says 'I bet you it's that old Sister Gabrielle!'
'Calm yourself my dear, whatever is the matter?'
'Mother, Mother, terrible news. There's a rumour that only one nun here is a virgin!'
'What on earth . . . ?'
'Yes, Mother, it's terrible news.'
Then after a moments contemplation, Mother Superior says 'I bet you it's that old Sister Gabrielle!'
