Our Alcoholic Friend

[ayceejay]

Alcoholics find friends amongst other alcoholics, this can be positive in an AA context. Non alcoholics offering advice is often counter productive. There is an AA support group called Al-anon and if you want to help this may be where to start. It may also help if you see her alcoholism is a disease rather than her just being out of control.

 

[Fnaar]

I spent years trying to sort out my mum, who eventually drank herself to death... and was always going to, no matter what I did. I realised afterwards I'd wasted some potentially good years of my life trying to help someone who simply wasn't going to help herself. My advice? Tell her what you don't enjoy about the situation, and tell her how you'd like her visits to be, and if not, she's not welcome. If she's ready to hear it, she will. If she isn't, she won't listen. Do it on your terms, not hers. Hope it all works out for the best.

 

[lanternerouge]

Ayceejay - great post!

 

[Globalti]

Having lost a very long-standing and valued friend to liver failure I'd say you need to discuss it with her. If you value her friendship and if loyalty to friends means a lot to you, give her a drink then sit down and say "we are worried that you are drinking too much, let's have a chat about this".

She might value the opportunity or she might throw a wobbler; if the latter, ask her to leave and tell her to come back when she's ready to discuss the problem or accept treatment.

If it turns out the right way, you'll have a loyal friend for life, if not, at least you have tried your best. Sadly, my pals and I didn't with our friend until it was too late. He was a binge drinker, not a regular drinker and none of us realised how much damage he was doing himself.

 

[MontyVeda]

having a word isn't easy and is seldom well received.

My nameless friend, who gets drunk to the point she can't stand up managed to break her hand one night... then a couple of weeks later managed to smash the other elbow, which resulted in a 4 night stay in hospital having metalwork put in. I/we hoped that having both arms in plaster and complete reliance on others would be a big wake up call. Which it was for about two months until she began to get the use of her arms back.

Thing with this one is she isn't a daily drinker, she'll be sober for a week or two then drink three bottles of wine in an evening, plus a couple of tinnies and maybe some gin. she even got sent home from her own birthday party at 7pm for being too pissed and shouty!!! I/we enjoyed her party once she'd been sent home!

she wont admit to being an alcoholic, she won't admit she's a problem. she thinks we're all hypocrites because we all like a drink too.

I've given up trying to have a word... but I don't go to the off licence for her, i don't put up with her when she's drunk and I make it perfectly clear why I'm going when i go (you're pissed up, and I really don't like your company)... but she has the luxury of forgetting all that the next day.

in the last two months round these part two 40ish year old's have died due to alcohol... hopefully these very sad deaths will be some kind of wake up call... but I'm not holding my breath.

As for your friend... coming round to socialise but is blotto by 8pm... I wouldn't stand for it, not in my own home.

 

[Saluki]

Sadly, with the majority of alcoholics, trying to confront them or get them to change their ways just won't make a difference. They'll carry on regardless. I used to be married to one, and put up with increasing amounts of hassle, abuse and drunkenness over nearly 20 years. She's still drinking even though she's lost her home and virtually all access to the children. There is quite a lot of support available which made me realise the children & I didn't have to put up with that crap any more.

If you don't want your friend to get wasted round your place and crash out, tell her up front. Be brutally honest. It's the only way, for your own sanity and peace of mind.

We knew an alcoholic lady. It sounds harsh but we kind of moved away from the friendship (and the town) as there was no talking to her sober or drunk. She'll drink herself to death and we simply didn't want to be around to watch it. We did try speaking to her. If we had no alcohol in the house she would nip round the offy and come back with an arm load. Occasionally she would stay for a couple of days. We were a bit scared of her actually.

One of my work colleagues was living with an alcoholic man and she always had a haunted look about her until she slung him out after one of his drunken rages resulting in more broken ribs and another black eye. She then joined Al-Anon for some support which was very helpful (silly girl took him back a couple of times after slinging him out), She's totally finished with him now and watches the obit pages in the paper. She said, that as a partner of an alcoholic, that Al-Anon literally saved her.

You could try talking to her because its the right thing to do but I don't suppose that she will listen unless she is ready to listen. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[dellzeqq]

I'd have something sensible to say about this if I wasn't completely shoot-faced

 

[MarkF]

I agree with a previous suggestion, whether she believes you or not. Say you are on the wagon for a period and want no temptation. She then has a choice........

I dropped a good friend, pals over 30 years, because he was "pre-loading" before arriving at my house, worse, the "pre-loading" was taking place as he drove, he too would be a ga-ga spent force early in the evening, it was predictable, boring and having an adverse affect on my children.

I don't believe calling alcoholism a disease (don't believe it is one anyway) helps either, that only produces a stigma, no wonder some can't or won't confront or accept their problem. The OP is contributing to her problem, maybe she could see one if she was left to miserably drink alone, but if others are giving and participating in her problem hey! Where's the problem?

 

[numbnuts]

I've got an alcoholic neighbour only been in the flat for 6 months and he is a pain in the arse, the housing society are taking him to court next month to get him moved out.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

We had a neighbour come round after big sessions. Her husband had put in place some "rules" for the sake of himself and the kids. She was using us to undermine him so we have stopped "assisting". She got the message - but not the "don't drink" one. It is a tragedy but you can't help those who won't be helped.

 

[mr_hippo]

How can you help an alcoholic? The short answer is you can't! In the early stages, they are fully functional and hide it well My first wife hid it well for years and when you are close to a person you do not notice the changes; just like you do not notice your own child getting taller but you do notice that your niece/nephew has got taller since you last saw them 12 months ago.
With that wonderful thing called hindsight, I could have handled things better. She did go to an alcohol clinic once and asked me to go with her which I did; after the session was over I picked up her handbag which was heavier tham normal. She had only gone to seek help with a full bottle of vodka in her bag. Friends of hers offered to help but the only help they gave her was to put more ice in her drink!
Ilost all contact with her after she divorced me apart from my stillborn grandson's funeral which she ruined along with her Mum's funeral the day before when she grabbed the microphone off the priest and said "I am burying my mum today and grandson tomorrow. Everyone is invited!" Her Mum left her about £1000 and her lovely brother gave it to her in cash and I believe that was gone in a few days.
The only advice that I can give the OP is that it is a case of tough love; get help or stay away.
Where is my first wife now? Drank herself to death almost 8 years ago.

 

[Milo]

Went though a stage of very heavy drinking myself once. Thankfully i'm not the type to get carried away and just grew tired of it and stopped. Problem with booze is the way it sneaks up on you.

 

[User482]

I'm generally of the view that if people wish to drink themselves to death, that's up to them. I guess the problem comes when a) she would stop if she believed she had a drink problem and b) you don't wish to facilitate her drinking.

I think you have to talk to her but it's very likely that your friendship will end.

 

[Thomk]

I've got an alcoholic neighbour only been in the flat for 6 months and he is a pain in the arse, the housing society are taking him to court next month to get him moved out.

I love this post and I don't know why

 

[Thomk]

I'm generally of the view that if people wish to drink themselves to death, that's up to them. I guess the problem comes when a) she would stop if she believed she had a drink problem and b) you don't wish to facilitate her drinking.

I think you have to talk to her but it's very likely that your friendship will end.

One of my biggest problems with the whole thing is that her partner is a good friend and a good bloke and I fear this will result in him being more isolated. I don't really fear an end to our friendship with her but she will probably drag him along with her.