He's totally East Ham (See the District or Hammersmith and City lines on a London Tube map)
Made me feel as welcome as a fart in a space suit.
Stands about as much chance as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition.
The second mouse gets the cheese (in response to someone quoting the early bird catches the worm)
If you can keep your head whilst all around people are losing theirs, it is entirely possible you have failed to grasp the full magnitude of the situation.
No thanks, I've got enough to carry. (but only when the barmaid offers you a tray to carry the round of drinks)
I recently found out that people of a certain age in the USA have an equivalent to "Don't tell him Pike." if you quote them the line "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." it should prompt a similar response (google in the context of WKRP in Cincinnati)
On a similar train of thought...need to get everyone laughing in a social context? ask the question "Apart from Vincent, what was Don Mclean's only other number 1 hit in the UK?". The answer you get back will usually be American Pie, except it wasn't, the correct answer is a cover version of Roy Orbison's hit, Crying. Once that is revealed it seems the only possible way for the conversation to go is for someone, unprompted, to sing "Cwying" a la Philip Pope in the classic Only Fools and Horses sketch and everyone else will chip in with all the other song titles with R in them and bingo everyone is laughing.
