Tea? (Part 2)

[Night Train]

Just got a job . Working at Sainsbury's not exactly exciting but something to do while waiting for something better to come along. No more dealing with the bloody dole.

Well done!

I am going to revisit my CV and see if I can make it useful again.

 

[Archie_tect]

Go on then, just a quick one [Fnaar!]... then home through the park!

 

[potsy]

Can somebody hold Rocky's hand a minute?

 

[Night Train]

OK, I didn't look at my CV as that means even more time in front of the laptop.

I did hitch up the trailer to the car so I can pick up the bath tonight, it will live in the trailer for a while so it made sense to take the trailer and just get it in there.

I also topped up the oil in the car but still haven't managed to get the airbag light to go off.

I then dug out a load of 2 1/2" waste pipe and 63mm dust extraction tubing and fittings to start running a fixed dust extraction system in my workshop. I then fixed the drawers in a cabinet in my workshop. The bottoms were sagging and falling out so I braced and glued them. They work now!

Right, nearly dinner time! Then out to bring the bath home.

 

[phil_hg_uk]

I took off the roof of my new log store as it was one of those crap overlapping wood things and put on a proper roof with some proper thickness wood and then put felt on it

 

[phil_hg_uk]

I've spent the afternoon at my mother's, sweeping up leaves

You missed one

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

All together now. 1 - 2 - 3 Awwwwww

 

[Lullabelle]

I also like Dave Edmunds, Pink Floyd and Graham Parker......

Stranglers, Iron Maiden,

 

[Lullabelle]

Because emotions are 'manic' so really happy and active and then really down and sad. It all runs to extremes which is the problem. I can't stabilise the feelings of looking forward to something good and feeling absolute despair and so they swing wildly from one to another out of my control. Everything seems to be all or nothing.
That makes it difficult to explain to people sometimes if they only seem to see me when I am happy and active.

It does mean that left to my own devises I can sometimes achieve a lot of stuff, making things, sorting paperwork, house work, preparing for work and it all looks good. But then there are other days when I don't want to get out of bed and cannot get the drive to do anything, and just sit and type on here or watch daytime TV for hours on end and achieve nothing.

I am trying to keep to routines, like getting up and making tea, planning daily tasks, having dinner, doing washing up and laundry, just so that I don't waste all the time not doing stuff.
Also the small daily achievements help to keep things in perspective so I can cope and none of the chores mounts up to a task I can't cope with and run away from.

One good thing is that I pay all my bills on time as I am more afraid of letting them mount up with with interest and late payment fees then of wondering where the money is coming from to pay them now.

The good thing is that you understand what is going on and take steps to deal it. I know it is hard NT but you have a lot of friends here

 

[Lullabelle]

Have been seeing a councillor for about a month or so now, every Monday. What I'm beginning to understand is that its not my parents messing with my head now, all that happened for the first 19 years of my life. I was constantly told I was worthless and stupid, I watched my parents fight and my mum's abuse by my father. My mum would always say it was my fault, that I was like my father. (I digress somewhat).

What I have to come to terms with is that I have become the abuser, I'm the person who bullies me, not my parents, the people at school. I hit myself, swear, call myself thick, stupid and worthless. I hide my emotions, I laugh at them, thinking myself weak if I allow myself to cry. There is a battle between my head and my emotions, when I talk about things that happened in my childhood, I laugh it off, feel myself wanting to cry, but my head pushes those feelings away and locks them away. The constant battle is exhausting, sitting in a room with someone pointing out my behaviour to me has made me recognise that I'm extremely guarded about myself.

I am afraid of my emotions, that they will make me out of control if I unlock that box and let them out. I don't want to be seen as being weak. I'm tired of the internal fight. I have three more sessions left with the councillor. I don't understand why I'm so scared of crying about what I never had. I guess I need to be able to accept it, accept what happened, grieve for the loss of my childhood, not having a loving mother and father, grieve for not having closure from my mum before she died. She never acknowledged that she should have been the one protecting me, not siding with my dad.

I have reached a point in my life were it (what ever that is) is messing with my life, it is stopping me from doing things, I'm full of self hate, I don't have the confidence to do anything, through fear what people will think of me. It's affecting me, and my relationships with others, If I lock down nothing can hurt me any more, but that's the abuser taking over.

It's not easy to get to the bottom of the problem, but accepting that it's possible that you are the cause of your problems rather than any external reason is a difficult step to take, and one that you will need help doing. It's difficult to talk about it with people you are closed to as they find it difficult to understand.

 

[Lullabelle]

You missed one

Oh that is so sweet xx

 

[TVC]

See, I can do it too.

 

[Lullabelle]

Can somebody hold Rocky's hand a minute?

View attachment 14571

Ah, cutie x

 

[Lullabelle]

View attachment 14573

See, I can do it too.

Gorgeous xx

 

[Arch]

Good lord, what a lot of cute sad puppies.

I bangeded my head. I was bending down and picking up bits of paper, that had fallen the wrong side of the skip, and I stood up and bangeded it on the handle of the winch on the gantry.

It's just the exact spot where I rest my head against the wall sitting in bed.

On the upside, I painted several pumpkins, a couple of spiders, a bat and a love heart on various bits of children at the Pumpkin evening tonight.