I often get asked to do some pretty weird things as part of my job. Last year, someone signed off on a poetry book featuring efforts from colleagues and I was chosen to design it. I don't think it ever saw the light of day, mercifully, so here are some of the poetic 'high'lights.
First of all is an effort lacking in any kind of creativity. Though perhaps the author didn't want to dull the shining message of our customer experience principles. Can you work out what they are?
Virgin customers should always feel special
and we should offer solutions our customers will love
we should go the extra mile
and put ourselves in our customers shoes
and always finish on a high
This starts off in muddled fashion before segueing into modest self congratulation. I can only assume the phone battery highlighted in the final stanza is a metaphor for something.
Every day I work and do my best,
just like all the rest,
but its great to say,
that the intermedaries make my day.
I come from a place called Hull,
and the guys here are never dull,
for my help, they always thank me,
and tell me how great I am, that’s me to a tee.
I love my job and the help I can give,
it makes my days great to live,
on that note I better go,
as my phone is ringing and my battery’s low!
There is a gentle simplicity to the next effort.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I love Virgin Money customers
They are at the heart of everything I do
The next poem is written by someone who clearly fancies themselves a scribe. I don't know much about poetry in general, but I'm confident that this really isn't very good.
Echoing through their earnest soul,
The ardent yearning for a home ideal.
Twinkling eyes veil the anxious qualm,
Hand in hand, a couple enter the room.
Confident dignity through age's autumn,
Soothing shield for the uncertain life.
For pensions, insurance, savings and all,
The old and young arrive at the doors.
Welcoming faces, a ray of radiance sparkle
We tend to your needs; your dreams are ours.
Guiding through each step you take,
Ushering the finest, unparalleled yield.
Putting forth the products prime,
Weigh the case and adopt the apt.
Each query sated by precise response,
Your satisfaction our utmost intend
The haze of confusion steadily fades,
Hassles shift to effortless course.
Unwavering commitment till triumph attained,
Perseverance is our virtue, you see.
With serene ease, we stamp the pact
Dreams and hopes, they sprout new wings.
As the scarlet dusk concludes the day,
A smile lingers; In your hearts as well as ours
And finally, a poem that puts me in a quandry. On the one hand, it is embarrassing bollocks of David Brent-esque proportions, but on the other, it makes me laugh every time I read it. If I ever meet the author I will punch him in the face and buy him a pint at the same time.
Alright stop, Gather round and listen
Customer Focus excellence, is our Iitention
Thanks for your custom is what we'd like to mention
"How can I help" is what we say politely
Looking after your needs, daily and nightly
Mortgages, brokers, current accounts and savings
We have all our customers dancing and raving
If there was a problem, Yo! We will solve it
We'd sort it out promptly and not just revolve it
Love us, Love us, Daily.......Love us, Love us, Daily
Quick to the point, to the point no faking
Everybody’s Better Off is the point that were making
Shout!! Virgin Money, go on, Shout go hey, yo , tell all your friends
Our hard work and dedication really transcends
Take heed (brokers) because I'm a lyrical poet
First time landlords OK with us, in case you didn't know it
So, there you have it, we want you to love us
We set our standards high, so no one above us
Love us, Love us, Daily.......Love us, Love us, Daily
Yo!!!! And that's a Rap!!!!!!
