The Joke Thread

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Billloudon

New Member
Location
Escocia
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED THAT SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?



Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,

My forty-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?



Remember ~ these people can vote!!
 
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Billloudon

New Member
Location
Escocia
GOD LOVES THE PLAIN TALKING IRISH. SAY IT LIKE IT IS !!!




I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'..
I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'






.................................



A six year-old boy shouted out:



" YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
 

swee'pea99

Legendary Member
What d'you call a man with a tree on his head?










Edward


What d'you call a man with three trees on his head?










Edward Woodward


What d'you call a man with four trees on his head?










I don't know either, but Edward Woodward would.
 

Amanda P

Legendary Member
Bill returns to work, having been to see the doctor. His mate asks him how it went.

"He says I've got to take a pill every day for the rest of my life!" complains Bill.

"That's not so bad," says his mate, "lots of people have to take a pill every day".

"I know that", replies Bill, but he's only given me three".
 

Amanda P

Legendary Member
Bill is involved in a nasty accident at work which results in his ears having to be amputated. After a lengthy convalescence, Bill's boss gathers his workmates together and explains that Bill's returning to work, but he's a bit sensitive about his missing ears, and hasn't had time to grow his hair to hide them. Would they all respect Bill's dignity by not mentioning his lack of ears.

Stuck for something to say when Bill arrives at work, his mate comments: "I see your eyesight's improved, then, Bill - no glasses today?"
 
Cubist said:
Bloke goes to the Doctor, who says "I've got your test results back, do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"Give me the bad news first Doctor."

"OK, the results confirm that what you have is incurable, untreatable, and fatal. You haven't got long to live, perhaps a week at best, and I'm sorry to say it's going to be very painful"

"So there's absolutely nothing you can do about it?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"Bloody hell, what could possibly be the good news?"

"Did you see the receptionsit when you came in?"

"Yes"

"The one with the blonde hair and huge breasts?"

"Yes, what about her?"

"I'm shagging her."

In a similar vein


Bloke goes to the Doctor, who says "I've got your test results back, do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"Give me the bad news first Doctor."

"OK, the results confirm that what you have is incurable, untreatable, and fatal disease. You haven't got long to live, perhaps a week at best and I'm sorry to say it's going to be very painful"

"So there's absolutely nothing you can do about it?"

"No, I'm sorry."

"Bloody hell, what could possibly be the good news?"

“You also have Alzheimer’s disease, so you can go home and forget about it.”





I’ll get my coat.
 

PaulB

Legendary Member
Location
Colne
Three old men in a nursing home are discussing the problems of ageing. The first old guy says, "My big problem is weeing. I used to piss like a horse but now it takes 15 minutes to produce a tiny little dribble that wouldn't put out the flame from a match." The second grandad sympathises by saying, "Well my problem is in crapping. I used to enjoy a good shite but now I'm bunged up for days and when I do go I'm on the bog for about two hours." The third guy nods in empathy and says, "I don't have either of those problems. At 6 am every morning I piss like a fire-hose and evacuate my bowels completely. Unfortunately I don't get out of bed until 8.30."
 

jeltz

Veteran
A pair of ducks go off to a hotel for a dirty weekend, but upon arrival realise they've forgotten to bring any condoms.

Mr Duck phones down to reception to ask if they can send some up, the receptionist replies "No problem, would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Errrr, no I'd suffocate"
 

Ashtrayhead

Über Member
Location
Belvedere, Kent.
I went to the doctor and he said ' You've got to stop masturbating'. I said 'Why's that? He said ' Because I'm trying to examine you'.
 

Jaye

Veteran
Location
London
Bill and Maggie are on their honeymoon on board a cruise ship. The evening entertainment features "The great Tonka". Who they go to see and find standing room only. On stage appears a muscular 6' 4" 25 year old adonis with a wonderfully curly golden mane extending to near his waist wearing only a gold and silver brocade cape that doesn't cover his enormous manhood. His able assistant produces and places on a table a cherry followed by an apple and finally a small gala melon. The lights dim and the drum roll begins at which Tonka smashes his huge appendage onto the cherry he sidesteps and it's ditto to the apple after a brief pause he leaps off the floor and his massive dong descends on the melon and obliterates it the front 12 rows are covered with cherry, apple and melon juice pips as well as skin. The audience gasp, leap to their feet and give a standing ovation.

We now skip forward to Bill and Maggies diamond anniversary, they decide to celebrate 60 years wedded bliss with another cruise. Much to their disbelief the first evenings entertainment features "The great Tonka". On stage this time appears a wizened old man 90 years old if a day bent near double barely 5' tall bald as a babies bottom adorned in nothing but a gold and silver brocade cape. The lights dim and his able assistant produces and places on a table a coconut a watermelon and finally with the help of an audience member a 20lb marrow. The lights dim, drum rolls and tonka unleashes with a deafening whip-crack his massive meat wrench to wreak havoc on the coconut and watermelon after a brief pause he lunges forwards and with both hands gripping his gristle missile he decimates the marrow. The audience are agog and from front row to the cheap seats covered in melon and marrow juice as well as coconut shrapnel. With this Bill and Maggie decide to visit backstage and see if this is the original Tonka. They introduce themselves to the octagenarian marvel, Bill asks what training regime he must have undertook to progress from a small cherry and apples 60 years prior to huge watermelons and coconuts.............................................


wait for it..................................................





here it comes..............................................




None replies "The great Tonka" it's just that my eyesight isn't what it was you see.
 
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Billloudon

New Member
Location
Escocia
A man takes his seat at a Celtic V Rangers match, he notices a spare seat between him and the next guy.Who the **** would miss this game he asks. The other guy looks sorrowful and explains that was my wife's seat and we went to every game but she passed away. That's terrible says the first guy but it seems such a waste could you not get a member of the family or a friend to take the seat. No he says.................they are all at the funeral.
 
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Billloudon

New Member
Location
Escocia
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
 
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Billloudon

New Member
Location
Escocia
A married couple were staying overnight in a Hotel room. Unfortunately there were only twin beds.
As they were settling down in their single beds the husband says
" My little honey bunch I am lonely wonely!"
Taking the hint she leaves her bed and makes her way to his.
On the way she trips over a suitcase and falls flat on her face.
Concerned her husband says.
" Oh, did my little Honey Bunney hurt her little Nosey posey?"
She gets up and crawls into his bed. After making passionate love for an hour she makes her way back to her own bed.
On the way back she trips over the case and falls flat on her face again.
Looking over her husband says.
"Clumsy Bitch".​
 
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