The Joke Thread

[Billloudon]

A man picks up his new car and the salesman says " Your car is so hi - tech that you only have to speak to the radio and it plays what it's told". The guy thinks i'll give it a bash and shouts "Beatles" & A Hard Days night plays.
Rolling stone he says and "Brown sugar" plays. A few days later he is out in his car when he gets cut up at a roundabout"F*ckin peanuts" he shouts & the radio starts" Hello, hello we are the billy boys....."

Sorry to any Rangers supporters out there.
Actually that meant to read I am sorry for any Rangers supporters out there.
Just kidding lads. It's just fun.

 

[gbb]

You know the symbols you get on mobile phones, here's some new ones...

(_._) Regular ass

(__.__) Fat ass

(.) Skinny ass

(_X_)........kiss my ass

 

[gbb]

Mate of mine was so severely depressed, he asked me to help him end it all...so i pushed him in front of a train.



He was chuffed to bits !!!

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: "is it me, or does this taste funny?"

 

[RabbitFood]

want a laugh???
Just watch the wedding video to your ex-wife in reverse. The best bit is when she hands you the ring walks out into a waiting car and *%@* s off!!!

haha love it

 

[Billloudon]

When I was a kid my mum used to send me to the shops with 50p I could get a chicken, 2 pints of milk, a comic book, 6 eggs and a pair of jeans


you cant do that these days











Fekin CCTV

 

[Billloudon]

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning




A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Ok, Ok I'll leave quietly

 

[Billloudon]

Was in Asda's today with 2 full trolleys of booze and my weekly shopping, when a little old lady got behind me in the Q.

She only had a pint of milk so I said " Is that all you have, love"?

She replied "Yes".

So I did the decent thing and said "If I were you I'd Feck off to another till. I am gonna be ages".

 

[Speicher]

I was outside the pub the other night, when a man asked me if I had a match. Yes, I said, my bum and your face!


IGMC

 

[Billloudon]

3 Guys had to spend the night together in a Hotel and share a double bed.
In the morn the guy on the right said "I had a great dream last night that a girl was giving me a hand job". The guy on the left said "that's weird so did I".
Finally the guy in the middle said "lucky for you I dreamt I was skiing"!!!!

 

[gbb]

One from my granson this evening, one i hadnt heard before...

What do you call a three legged donkey ?













A 'wonkey'

 

[yenrod]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

 

[yenrod]

Why the Internet is like Penis

* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
* It's something you don't like to share becuase you know that if you do they may want to come over and play with it again.

 

[yenrod]

Signs you may have a drinking problem

Alright, we all celebrate at New Year's, some to excess.
However, please consider the below listed tip-offs as
Signs You May Have A Drinking Problem the rest of the year:

* You fall off the floor quite often

* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

* Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle

* Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense

* You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects

* You have a "Reserved Parking" space at your liquor store

* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

* You don't recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass

* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth

* You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women/Men

 

[yenrod]

I was outside the pub the other night, when a man asked me if I had a match. Yes, I said, my bum and your face!
IGMC

And I thought, Speicher, you where a lady