The Joke Thread

[NormanD]

A father walks into a toy store to buy his daughter something for her 5th birthday. Having no idea on what to buy her, he approaches the female shop owner for some advice.

Father; Excuse me I’m looking for something nice for my fiver year old daughters birthday, but I’ve no idea on what to buy?

Owner; Well sir the Barbie doll range are very popular with young ladies of her age group.

Father; OK sounds good to me, what do you have?

Owner; Well sir we have Disco Barbie for £25, Sports Barbie for £30, Horse Riding Barbie for £35 and Divorced Barbie for £150.

Farther; huh? How come Divorced Barbie is so expensive?

Owner; Well sir Divorced Barbie comes with, kens House, Kens car, kens bank account!

 

[Billloudon]

And one for the pc goodies to get into me about!!!

A man says to his wife, "You know you're the double of Cheryl Cole"!
She says" do you think so"?
He says "definitely.
She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat bitch!"

 

[Gerry Attrick]

I've just been to a pot smoking party on the sea front. I saw the Blackpool hallucinations!







I'll get me coat.......

 

[Ashtrayhead]

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car.

 

[Piemaster]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she
made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of
cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her
hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

 

[Piemaster]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to
repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who
ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you
to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates
continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test
what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a
third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

 

[GentleBenn]

A woman was distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me..." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem reery bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. This why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."

 

[Billloudon]

Paddy goes to marks & spencer to buy his wife
a maternity bra ....shop assistant says
'what bust?'
paddy says
'the f*ckin condom!!!

 

[Billloudon]

What has 100 legs and 3 teeth?
.
.






































A methedone queue!

 

[Slim]

What has 100 legs and 3 teeth?
.
.


A methedone queue!

That used to be the front row of a Willie Nelson concert..:?:

 

[Gerry Attrick]

Two fish in a tank......................one says to the other, "How the heck do you drive this then?".

 

[postman]

I was out walking in a local park last saturday afternoon.When i saw this lad stood by himself.So being a decent sort of bloke i thought i would go up and introduce myself.
"hello my name is Bob and i have noticed your'e on your own"

"All the other lads are down at the other end of the park.Why don't you go and join them"?


"Carn't" he replied

"Why not"? said i

"Cos i'm the bloody goalkeeper"

 

[albal]

want a laugh???
Just watch the wedding video to your ex-wife in reverse. The best bit is when she hands you the ring walks out into a waiting car and *%@* s off!!!

 

[albal]

last week a girl from my past rang. It was many years since our brief affair, but i have never forgotten the amazing sex and wonderful times we had together....imagine when she suggested revisiting our glorious past. I explained i wasnt the man i was,having gained a spare tyre and a bald patch & a slight pile problem.
She giggled girlishly, and said not to worry as she had put a few pounds on herself..........So i told her to f**k off!

 

[Slim]

Two parrots on a perch......one says to the other "can you smell fish??"