The Joke Thread

[JtB]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... two days... and then three days.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the f****ing ship?"

 

[Gerry Attrick]

Where would you find a legless duck?






Wait for it!






Where you left it!

 

[Cubist]

An eskimo on a driving holiday breaks down outside Chester Zoo. He calls the AA and the patrolman tells him it'll take him the best part of two hours to find the problem and fix it, so why doesn't the Eskimo visit the zoo while he's waiting.

The Eskimo takes his advice and goes round the zoo. It's a hot day, and after a lovely time looking at all the animals the Eskimo buys himself a vanilla cone to cool down, and then goes back to the car.

The patrolman looks up and says "You've blown a seal."

"No, no," says the Eskimo wiping his beard, "It's ice cream, I swear it is."

 

[Billloudon]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is
watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn
you that Jesus is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.'

 

[Billloudon]

A mate just called me in tears. His wife had left him, taking his Bob Marley collection and Satellite dish! The poor bastard, no woman no Sky...........

 

[Archie_tect]

Brilliant, Bill...

 

[Dayvo]

To improve the marching pace of the military, officials are using polish to aid a slip-streaming effect.

It´s known as ´buff a slow soldier´!

Taxi!

 

[JtB]

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the headmaster."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in the futue, you are going to be sadly disappointed!"

 

[JtB]

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

 

[JtB]

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"

 

[simonali]

A Polish woman stows away on a ship, hoping to make a new life in America. After 3 weeks she is discovered and brought before the Captain.

"What are you doing aboard my ship without a ticket?" he enquires.

She replies "One of your sailors helped me sneak on board and I am to make a new life in America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him f*** me every night"

The Captain says "Oh he's f***ing you alright. This is the Isle Of Wight ferry!"

 

[JtB]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chieflooks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,"Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of going at it big time. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

 

[JtB]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CYCLING IF....

• You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"
• You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike...you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.
• You buy your crutches instead of renting.
• You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
• You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers
• You refuse to buy a settee because that patch of wall space is taken up by the bike.
• You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
• Biker chick means black lycra, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley.
• "Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries" is for you.
• You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle.
• You empathize with the roadkill.
• Despite all that winter weight you put on, you'll take off weight by buying titanium components
• You use wax on your chain, but not on your legs (girls).
• You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys)
• Your current bike is older than your grown up children.
• Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.
• You yell "Car!" when passing another car, and "Bump!" when you see a pothole - while driving your car.
• Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.
• You wear your bike shorts swimming.
• You wear Voodoo T-shirts all the time, including under dress shirts.
• Your bikes are worth more than your car.
• You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.
• When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
• You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.
• You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
• You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.
• You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.
• You spend weeks during the summer spraying arrows on the sides of roads.
• You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.
• You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).
• You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don't have any problems at all meeting your mates at 5:30 AM for a hundred-miler.
• You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.
• Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.
• You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it's to hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.
• You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.
• When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.
• Your kids bring a rear derailleur to "Show & Tell".
• Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
• Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.
• A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn't refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.
• You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
• You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours.
• You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.
• There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead...
• You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
• You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.

 

[JtB]

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants! You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

 

[Billloudon]

Brilliant, Shaun. I take it you had a good day at work yesterday or went straight to the Pub after