The Joke Thread

[661-Pete]

Hmmm, still on the church theme:

Tommy visits the Confessional.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavan asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend Mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Paddy is employed on a casual basis to paint the ceiling of the local church. He's no Michelangelo and he gets half way through only to discover he's rapidly running out of paint. So, he gets hold of some turps, dilutes his remaining paint and finishes the job off.
The priest is far from happy. "Bless you Paddy, that's a terrible job. You can see the old paint through it."
"Well Father" says Paddy, "I had to thin down the paint to stretch it out."
"Well, it's not good enough" says the priest. "Repaint, and thin no more."

 

[Crankarm]

A woman went to her vicar so seek advice on her forthcoming wedding. This was to be her third husband and she was not sure how to tell him she was still a virgin in view of this.

"But......how can this be!" exclaimed the vicar, "You've already had two husbands?" sounding confused.

"Yes I have vicar. My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk. My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he did was look. So have got nowhere." she sobbed.

"Come come" said the vicar "Don't cry. Your next husband will understand. I'm sure everything will be fine".

"That's the problem" she sniffed.

"Oh...?" replied the vicar.

"Yes, I am marrying my lawyer and I'm bound to get well and truly screwed".

 

[Bill Gates]

A woman goes to the doctor.

Doctor she says I have a problem. Every time I walk I fart. Really he says, would you mind just walking across the floor for me? She does and sure enough a series of farts are emitted. And would you mind walking back again. sure enough some more farts are heard.

With that he reaches into a drawer and pulls out a large rod with a hook on the end. You aren't going to stick that up my arse are you doctor? No I'm going to open the window. There's a terrible smell in here.

 

[Cubist]

Little sweet old lady goes to the doctor and says
"Doctor, I have a very embarrasing condition. I break wind almost constantly, but strangely they are absolutely silent and have no odour whatsoever."
The Doc drums his fingers on the desk for a minute and says
"So, to sum up, you break wind all the time?"
"Well, several times a minute anyway."
"And they're absolutely silent?"
"Yes, completely silent."
"And don't smell at all?"
"That's right!"

The doc writes out a prescriptions and tells the old lady to take one twice a day for a week and come back to see him.

A week later she's back. "I don't know what was in those pills doctor, but if anything they've made the problem worse. I still break wind just as often as before, but now they really smell quite dreadfully."

"Well," says the Doc "That's your sinuses cleared, now let's have a look at your hearing."

 

[maverick]

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 

[PaulB]

A very religious Yorkshire woman dies. Her husband knows she would have liked a religious saying on her headstone so he tells the stonemason he wants the stone to read "She was thine, dear Lord". Come the funeral, the mourners are not best pleased to see the stone read "She was thin dear Lord." The husband approaches the mason and tells him he's missed the "e" so the mason apologises and tells him he'll sort it out. A day or so later he calls the husband to tell him he's rectified the situation and the husband goes up to the cemetary and to his horror, sees the headstone now reads............."Eee, she was thin, dear Lord"

 

[Billloudon]

Lol, mine are far too long or rude to put on here

Go for it. You know you can

 

[Gareth]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
_________________

 

[Gareth]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's
so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline
does she work for?"


Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"


She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."


A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
her again, "Something special in the air?"


She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and
scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.


Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."


This time the woman turned on him, "What the F*** do you want?"


The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
Ryanair!!!

 

[john59]

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so p****d off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"



"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"


"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished.
See what really p****d me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY p****d me off?


When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX INCHES off the ground!!!!!!!!!

 

[Billloudon]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's
so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline
does she work for?"


Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"


She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."


A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
her again, "Something special in the air?"


She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and
scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.


Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."


This time the woman turned on him, "What the F*** do you want?"


The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
Ryanair!!!

Brilliant, Gareth, absolutely

 

[Billloudon]

Paddy, a scotsman, an essex girl and an alien walk into a bar. The landlord looks up and says, "what the hell is this? Some kind of joke?"

 

[Cubist]

A man on a flight to Washington finds himself seated next to a stunning blonde. He's just about to introduce himself when she pulls a folder out of a briefcase and he sees that the cover reads "Nymphomaniac Society of America Annual Conference 2009"

Astounded he can't help himself "You know I didn't realise such a society existed!"
The blonde replies "Many people don't. They assume we are just a load of sex maniacs, but we actually do a lot of important research. For example, contrary to popular myth, the African American is not the best endowed male, that honour belongs to the Native American. What's more, the most passionate lovers are actually the Hispanic Male, but most surprisingly our research shows that the best partners all round are in fact the Southern American redneck." She pauses then says " I'm sorry, I tend to ramble on, and I haven't even asked your name!"

The man replies "It's Tonto. Tonto Gozales. But those good 'ole boys back home jus call me Bubba."

 

[Slim]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:

"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replies, "Meow!"