The Joke Thread

[Deleted member 1258]

Life Explained​

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On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.I'll give you a twenty-year life span."The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."​

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So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.​

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Life Has Been Explained To You​

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[Cubist]

Paddy goes into a bar and asks for four pints of Guiness. The barman asks if he wants them all at once and Paddy says yes. "It's a family tradition. I've just moved here from Dublin, and I have three brothers. We always havd a pint together, every Friday afternoon. Now we've all moved apart we agreed we'd keep the tradition going."

The barman thinks what a wonderful gesture and serves Paddy his four pints of Guiness every Friday evening for about six months.

One day Paddy comes in looking mournful, and orders only three pints of Guiness. Being a sensitive soul the barman pulls the three pints and after Paddy has sipped one of them says "Paddy, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Has one of your brothers died?"

"Oh no," says Paddy "no-one's died. My Doctor has made me give up drinking."

 

[maverick]

'An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son..

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 

[gbb]

Man boards a plane and sits next to a guy with a dog.
He asks ' is it a guide dog ?'
'No, i'm from customs and this is a sniffer dog'...'i'll show you'...'go search Rover'.
The dog comes back and places a paw on the handlers lap....'cocaine' said the handler and notes where the dog came from.
He sends him again...and the dog comes back and places both paws on the handlers lap...'heroin' says the handle, and again notes where the dog went.
The third time the dog comes back and shoots all over the seat next to the handler....
'Cannabis ? asks the guy...

No...he's found a zarking bomb !!!!!

 

[postman]

Leroy goes to church and asks his Minister to pray for his hearing.
The Minister places one hand on Leroys head and one hand on his chest and prays and prays and prays.

"Hows the hearing now Leroy"?
"I don't know it's not till next Thursday" replies Leroy.

 

[gf1959]

Did you hear about the 2 blondes that froze to death at a drive-in movie?


They went to see "Closed for the winter"

 

[Billloudon]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. she undresses, lies on the bed and says ' you know what i want, dont you?'
"yeah" says paddy
"the whole bloody bed by the looks of you"

 

[Billloudon]

A bloke walks into the pub, and asks for 12 vodkas.
The barman lines them up and watches him knock them back. Hell mate whats the celebration.
I've just had my first blowjob..
The barman congratulates him, let me buy you another one.
Na feckit, if 12 dont take the taste away 13 not gonna do it!!!!

 

[Piemaster]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then.......................

he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.​

 

[Cubist]

Three men sat in the pub discussing what they thought was the fastest thing in the world. One says " I reckon it's electricity. You flick a switch, and a mile a way a light comes on in an instant. that's fast."
Second one says " I reckon it's your eyelids. Just try and count how many times you can blink in a minute. That's fast."

Third one says "I reckon it's diarrhoea. I had that this morning, and by the time I switched on the light and blinked, I'd shoot myself."

 

[yenrod]

Womens Translations

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

 

[yenrod]

Men writing the rules

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

 

[yenrod]

Thnaks to Billloudon for starting the thread...

 

[Billloudon]

Thnaks to Billloudon for starting the thread...

You're very welcome m8.
However you can't get away that lightly........


Paddy stumbles across a mass baptiism at a river...
he walks in to the river and stands
next to the preacher...are you ready
to find jesus my son, paddy sez i am sir...
preacher puts him under the water then says,
have you found jesus...no sir...he puts
him under for longer...have you found
jesus...no sir...he puts him under
for 2 minutes...have you found jesus...


Paddy says No, are you sure this is
were he fell in"!!!!

 

[Cubist]

The vicar thinks he has spotted Mrs Green's daughter in the front row of the congregation wearing a miniskirt. He turns to the verger and asks:

"Is that little Fanny Green in the front row?"

"I thought so at first Vicar" replies the verger "But I think it's just the way the sun shines through the stained glass windows."