The Joke Thread

[Billloudon]

A bloke just knocked on
my door and said
"do you know your dog has
just chased a woman on a bike?"
I said "f e c k off, my
dog hasnt even got a bike!"

 

[Gareth]

To all those gardeners out there.

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps
him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'".

 

[Billloudon]

Dear Deirdre,

I'm about 3 years into
my relationship now and started
having erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different
ideas about what the problem is;
she bought me some viagra; I've
bought the fat bitch a
treadmill.

 

[Gerry Attrick]

In line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better
than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He
deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering however if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good
measure.

Jack hurries back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin .
The computer prints the following:-
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

 

[Billloudon]

Jack was attending his biker club's monthly meeting, and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies, Jack left to go back home to his wife.

When Jack's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Jack! There he was; sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, with the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Jack?"

"I didn't have to" was Jack's reply. "When I left the meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

"So here I am!"

 

[Billloudon]

2 dogs, jack n butch at the vets, jack says wot you in for.?
butch replies,i mauled the postman,an being put to sleep.
butch asks jack what you in for then.
jack replies,i was walkin past the owners bathroom an saw her naked bending over washing her hair.
i was so horny ,i mounted her doggy style , jesus says butch,no wonder you are bein put to sleep.
jack replies im not, im in to get my nails clipped!!

 

[Cubist]

Dear Deirdre,

I'm about 3 years into
my relationship now and started
having erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different
ideas about what the problem is;
she bought me some viagra; I've
bought the fat bitch a
treadmill.

 

[Billloudon]

This is for Siadwell who helped me with a bike computer problem.
Thanks again, bud.


selling biscuits for 27p thats asda price.
selling toys for 99p thats fisher price.
selling pathetic rape stories to the sun thats KATIE PRICE.!!

 

[Billloudon]

[SIZE=+2]LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
[/SIZE]
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

[Davidc]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me to', she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She

gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked, 'How does that feel'?

'Feels great', he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken'!

 

[Billloudon]

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, paddy said
that actually he had a particular fondness for lovely pert bottoms,
he was informed that this wasnt option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket!!

 

[PaulB]

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

"They're right. We do taste of chicken."

 

[PaulB]

What do George Michael and a pair of wellies have in common?

They both get sucked off in bogs.



What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

 

[gbb]

Dear Deirdre,

I'm about 3 years into
my relationship now and started
having erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different
ideas about what the problem is;
she bought me some viagra; I've
bought the fat bitch a
treadmill.

Absolute class ...i need to wipe my monitor down

 

[Ashtrayhead]

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses"

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese"

Nope, that still didn't sound right,

"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi"

'Ahh f*** it' I thought,

"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one"