The Joke Thread

[Billloudon]

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

' Dave , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shoot the bed !!'

 

[PaulB]

Three men meet at a bee-keeper's convention and get talking about their favourite subject.
First man. I keep 10,000 bees myself.
Second man. Really? And how many hives do you keep them in?
First man. Seven hives.
Second man. Seven, yes, that's about the perfect number for that many bees.
First man. So tell me, how many bees do you keep?
Second man. I keep 40,000 bees.
First man. 40,000 bees? Wow. And how many hives do you keep them in?
Second man. I keep them in 25 hives.
First man. Yes, 25 hives is a good number to keep 40,000 bees in.
Second man to third man. Tell me, how many bees do you keep?
Third man. About a million.
First and second men together. A MILLION!
First man. Wow, that's a big number. Tell us, how many hives do you keep them in?
Third man. One.
First man. ONE? Surely that's nowhere near enough hive space for a million bees?
Third man. F*ck 'em.

 

[Cubist]

Mick is sitting in his usual position in the bar when Sean the barman comes over. "Mick, " he says kindly, "I reckon you've had enough now fella, time to go home."

Mick, realising that Sean is probably right weighs up the distance between his seat and the doorway, and reckons he should be able to make it. He lines himself up, gets to his feet, takes a step and falls flat on his face. Undeterred, he drags himself to the doorway, and pulls himself up using the frame as suport.

Squinting down the passageway to the front door of the pub, he calculates three careful steps to the next resting point, takes a deep breath and launches himself for the door. One step and he's down on his face again, breaking his glasses and getting a mouthful of carpet. Once again he drags himself to the front door.

Luckily he lives opposite the pub, so he lines himself up with the front door of his cottage, drunkenly checks wind direction and sets off. Straight down onto his face, giving himself a bloody nose and a cut over his eye. Nothing else for it but to pull himself across the mercifully quiet road, and in through the front door.

He half considers making himself some supper, but the distance to the kitchen simply defeats him, and deciding it wouldn't be a good idea to wake his wife in this state he drags himself over to the sofa and goes to sleep.

The next morning he wakes with the mother of all hangovers, and finds his wife standing over him. "You were pissed again last night weren't you Michael!" she scolded.

"How can you tell?" he asked, realising defeat.

"Sean just called from the pub. You left your wheelchair behind again."

 

[Billloudon]

Is it just me?

 

[TVC]

Blind prostitutes....

....You've got to hand it to them.

 

[Dayvo]

Is it just me? [/IMG]

Er, not sure!

If you mean you're the only one without a cap, then yes!

Otherwise too subtle for me!

 

[Cubist]

Delicious irony!

 

[TVC]

Delicious irony!

Just got it - he must be American.

 

[Billloudon]

Well done Cubist and The Velvet curtain. Next time Dayvo

Of course it is because he has his cap on back to front yet shades his eyes with his arm - Muppet!

 

[Dayvo]

Well done Cubist and The Velvet curtain. Next time Dayvo

Of course it is because he has his cap on back to front yet shades his eyes with his arm - Muppet!

I did (finally) get it before I read your reply! Then I saw the light! Your 'Am I the only one' threw me!

 

[gavintc]

I like my whisky like I like my women

16 years old and mixed with coke

I know it is poetic licence for a joke, but you seriously cannot mix 16 yr old malt with coke (unless you are American).

 

[snapper_37]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and he shows her around. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are 3 shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute bears, carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.

There were small bears on the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears on the middle shelf and huge cuddly bears on the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine man to have such a large collection of teddy bears and was impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention it to him.

They share a bottle of wine and a meal and continue talking. The woman finds herself thinking ‘My God, this may be THE one!!! Maybe he could be the father of my children?’

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips and he responds warmly. They continue to kiss and the passion builds and he romantically lifts her into his arms and carries her into his bedroom. There they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity and more heat that she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive man, they are lying together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’.

The man gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deep into her eyes and says……..




Wait for it…………………..





‘Help yourself to any prize of the middle shelf’.

 

[Billloudon]

I did (finally) get it before I read your reply! Then I saw the light! Your 'Am I the only one' threw me!

Sorry Dayvo. I can see how this would have thrown you.
Like my old school report card used to say I was "thick but savable". I promise to improve.

 

[Dayvo]

Sorry Dayvo. I can see how this would have thrown you.
Like my old school report card used to say I was "thick but savable". I promise to improve.

No need to say sorry, Billo!

As my old school report said (and most likely my gravestone, too) - could have done better!

 

[Cubist]

A man goes for a lads' night out in a nightclub. He realises after a few minutes that an attractive girl keeps looking at him, and making eye contact.

Eventually he gets within speaking range and she says " Excuse me for staring, but I think you may be the father of one of my children."

Puzzled he thinks back to the only time he has ever had sex with anyone except his wife and says

"Bloody hell, are you the stripper I shagged on my stag night?"

"No" She replied, "I'm your daughter's primary school teacher."