The Jokes Thread

[urbanrider]

The C.C jokes thread
Please keep reasonably clean

What is the cheapest type of bicycle you can buy?
A penny-farthing!

Oh dear not a good start


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

Think i better stop there

 

[purpleR]

When my time comes, I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep - just like my grandfather....


.... and not screaming with terror like his passengers

 

[Dayvo]

Clean , but sick!

A vicar is walking down the road one sunny summer's day and sees a little girl skipping towards him.
'Hello little girl, what's your name?' he asks.
'Butterfly,' comes the girl's reply.
'That's a beautiful name, why are you called Butterfly?'
'Because when my mummy was pregnant with me, a butterfly landed on her tummy, and when I was born she remembered that and decided to call me Butterfly.'
'What a lovely story,' said the vicar as he said goodbye and continued on his way.
Shortly after he sees another little girl hopping towards him and asks her what her name is.
'Apple Blossom,' comes the reply.
'That's a beautiful name, why are you called Apple Blossom?'
'Because when my mummy was pregnant with me, some apple blossom landed on her tummy, and when I was born she remembered that and decided to call me Apple Blossom.'
'What a lovely story,' said the vicar as he said goodbye and continued on his way.
Shortly after he sees a severely disabled little girl making her way towards him on crutches. He asks her what he name is.
She slowly stammers out 'Bre . ee. eze Bl . o. ock.'

SORRY for any offence caused

 

[got-to-get-fit]

Sorry this ones not so clean but i couldnt resist


Sitting in class one afternoon the teacher says to the class can you give me a sentance using the word Fascinate.

Lucy pipes up ....the solar system has the ability to fascinate

very good says the teacher.....any one else

Little Johnny pipes up.....my dad has a donkey jacket with 9 buttons but he can only "Fasten Eight"

Errrmmm dont think you quite have the right idea there Johnny but lets continue......who can give me a sentance with the word contagious in it.

Lucy pipes up again...my mum had the flu last week and the doctor said she was to go to bed and not see anyone cos it was very contagious.

Excellent says the teacher ....anyone else

Little Johnnys hand goes up again....My mum said she was going to ask my dad to put some shelves up but instead called out a joiner cos if she had asked me dad it would have took that "cuntages"

 

[Keith Oates]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

"Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

............are you ready for it?....................





"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

 

[Keith Oates]

Little Johnny got a prime clerk's job at the local department store. One day, a young pretty girl strolled up to the fabric store's counter where Johnny was working and asked:
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"That fabric Mam, is only one kiss per yard," Little Johnny smirked.

"That's fine," replied the little girl, "I'll take ten yards please."

With anticipation and excited expectation written all over his face, Little Johnny hurriedly measured out the ten yards, perfectly wrapped up the cloth and held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing just behind her: "Grandpa Fester will pay the bill," she smiled...

 

[redfox]

Elsie takes hear deaf old husband Bert for his check-up.

The doctor says "I need a urine, stool and sperm sample."

Bert says "What did he day?"

Elsie replies "HE WANTS YOUR UNDERPANTS!"

 

[Aperitif]

A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the erfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross. At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken. "Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work". "What do you do then?" asked the ref. "I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining. "Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - professional fowl".

 

[urbanrider]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[urbanrider]

My dog's a blacksmith. Every time we open the front door he makes a bolt for it.

 

[Flying_Monkey]

Hello everyone,

I would just like to pass on this message on behalf of the Moderators.

The Cafe is an open/public forum that is accessable by people of all ages, and as such we'd like to keep the jokes here fairly clean.

We'd also like to remind people that part of not having too many rules on this forum is an assumption that users will not be gratuitously offensive to other people.

Any comments please pass them on to the moderators.

Many thanks,

The Moderators.

 

[Tetedelacourse]

Man walks into a bank and shouts "this is a stinking f**up!"

The teller says "don't you mean a f**ing stickup?"

The man says "nah I forgot my gun".

 

[Jack]

Heheh ^^

A priest is driving in a car, and the car is swerving all over the road. Shortly, a police car pulls the priest over. The policeman looks into the priest's car, and sees an empty bottle of wine on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking sir?" the policeman asks. "No, just water," the priest replies. "Then how do you explain that empty bottle of wine then?" The priest looked over at the passenger seat and saw the empty bottle of wine. "By God, he's done it again!"

 

[Twenty Inch]

A ***** and a ********* walk ***** a ******. "S*****" the *******. Before the ****** can **** another two ********* walk **** in to a big ******. "****** **", says the first ***** "we ***** *** ******** that"

(Moderated for cleaness and decency.)

ROFLMAO. That's very, very funny. Well done Maggot.

 

[Mr Phoebus]

ROFLMAO. That's very, very funny. Well done Maggot.

Seconded!