KingstonGraham
Well-Known Member
I, for one, do not recognise this attempted usurper and will not read that drivel.
The Official Lanterne Rouge Thread 2025 [spoilers]
- Thread starter Lanterne Rogue
- Start date
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Beebo
Firm and Fruity
- Location
- Hexleybeef
Even the rider who walked over the line pushing his badly damaged bike a good 5 minutes after the others had to suck up the fact he was inside the final 5km when it happened.
So his efforts were for nought. Gutted.
So his efforts were for nought. Gutted.
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
Think of it like having a teammate domestique get up the road but the peloton don't chase and he ends up with the win 
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
I tried to warn them it was a 5km day, but despite tootling around Northern France at just over walking speed, nobody checked in on the thread.
I'll have you know that once upon a very long time ago I actually ran the Lanterne thread on BR, until I conned some bloke named after a bit of carpet into taking over by claiming my phone was a Nokia 3100 and I couldn't update while I was on holiday. It was a shagpile dog story, obviously, but it got me out of it. Dunno where he went, but then this Rogue bloke rocked up and took over and I definitely wasn't going to stand in his way, as he's got a f@ckin dreadnought.
KingstonGraham
Well-Known Member
I'd say it was before my time, but it's probably just before my memory loss.
OP
OP
Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
And so finally to stage 3, because undue haste is very much not in the tradition of the Lanterne Rouge, and a stage that people are saying was one for the ages - the specific ages being the three geological periods that the first 118km took to traverse. Fortunately an intermediate sprint then broke out, although given the soporific build-up everybody seems to have been caught by surprise. After a huge amount of argy and no small degree of bargy, the main result was a badly broken Jasper Philipsen who departs the tour with a broken collarbone and two popped ribs. Philipsen was naturally distressed, and possibly the only person disappointed to not be watching the rest of the stage. An unwelcome reminder that to finish last, first you have to last to the finish. We wish him a speedy recovery.
The rest of the course saw the entire peloton mark themselves out of any movement on the underall - a combination of a block headwind and a dead flat parcours saw only Tim Wellens bother with an attack, and that to save Pogačar the embarrassment of wearing his badly measled kit two days in a row. Wellens might have considered dropping off the back of the peloton immediately afterwards except that I'm not sure it's actually possible to cycle that slowly.
On the subject of UAE, I see Vingegaard's wife has been saying that Tadej is lucky because it's obvious he's the team leader. I'm not sure being the only UAE rider apart from Wellens to make the split in the opening stage is quite the shining demonstration of their support for Pogačar that he would have wanted, but it certainly made it obvious that nobody else was bothered about their own personal ambitions. Perhaps that's also why he "jokingly" went back to the team car this afternoon - he's not only the team leader but apparently his own best domestique...
The final run in was marked by yet more crashes - the last time Dunkirk saw that many fallen bodies was likely 1940. The role call inevitably includes veteran chaos-magnet Geraint Thomas, but also a Remco Evenpoel who was desperately trying to stay up front and out of trouble, Laurenz Wrecks living up to his name for the second time today, and Coquard rounding off a thoroughly miserable afternoon. Most of them seem to be largely ok, the big concerns are for Jordi Meeus and Émilien Jeannière, both of whom will be assessed tomorrow. I can only assume that the standard concussion questions - "do you remember the first 118km of today's stage?" - will be as hard for them to answer as the rest of us.
The crashes also involved the lanterne (all too literally) on the road - Cees Bol - and his wingman David Ballerini. There's no suggestion either are terribly hurt, but if they wanted an excuse to take it easy over the next couple of days they now have one. The biggest effect though was that by causing virtually the whole peloton to come to a halt, any developing gaps in the peloton were immediately removed by the race jury throwing their hands up in the air and awarding everybody the same time. The haste of this decision was partly pragmatic, and partly so they could start distributing cards in the angry manner of a magician undergoing a particularly nasty divorce. Brian Coquard in particular was awarded one so forcefully that we may not see if it really was the card they were thinking of for at least a couple of bowel movements yet. Join us tomorrow to see if Un Ox really do have the one bovine they keep promising, or if it's just a load of bull...
Stage honours:
Literally everybody
Dishonours:
The rest of the course saw the entire peloton mark themselves out of any movement on the underall - a combination of a block headwind and a dead flat parcours saw only Tim Wellens bother with an attack, and that to save Pogačar the embarrassment of wearing his badly measled kit two days in a row. Wellens might have considered dropping off the back of the peloton immediately afterwards except that I'm not sure it's actually possible to cycle that slowly.
On the subject of UAE, I see Vingegaard's wife has been saying that Tadej is lucky because it's obvious he's the team leader. I'm not sure being the only UAE rider apart from Wellens to make the split in the opening stage is quite the shining demonstration of their support for Pogačar that he would have wanted, but it certainly made it obvious that nobody else was bothered about their own personal ambitions. Perhaps that's also why he "jokingly" went back to the team car this afternoon - he's not only the team leader but apparently his own best domestique...
The final run in was marked by yet more crashes - the last time Dunkirk saw that many fallen bodies was likely 1940. The role call inevitably includes veteran chaos-magnet Geraint Thomas, but also a Remco Evenpoel who was desperately trying to stay up front and out of trouble, Laurenz Wrecks living up to his name for the second time today, and Coquard rounding off a thoroughly miserable afternoon. Most of them seem to be largely ok, the big concerns are for Jordi Meeus and Émilien Jeannière, both of whom will be assessed tomorrow. I can only assume that the standard concussion questions - "do you remember the first 118km of today's stage?" - will be as hard for them to answer as the rest of us.
The crashes also involved the lanterne (all too literally) on the road - Cees Bol - and his wingman David Ballerini. There's no suggestion either are terribly hurt, but if they wanted an excuse to take it easy over the next couple of days they now have one. The biggest effect though was that by causing virtually the whole peloton to come to a halt, any developing gaps in the peloton were immediately removed by the race jury throwing their hands up in the air and awarding everybody the same time. The haste of this decision was partly pragmatic, and partly so they could start distributing cards in the angry manner of a magician undergoing a particularly nasty divorce. Brian Coquard in particular was awarded one so forcefully that we may not see if it really was the card they were thinking of for at least a couple of bowel movements yet. Join us tomorrow to see if Un Ox really do have the one bovine they keep promising, or if it's just a load of bull...
Stage honours:
Literally everybody
Dishonours:
Pinno718
Über Member
- Location
- Way out West
Yay! The best thread ever in forum history @Lanterne Rogue . [I had better do some catching up].
Of course, my rough and paltry contributions went down with the good ship BR - a bit like most of the riders today. So many chucking themselves at the tarmac to get an edge n the most coveted prize. Why inside the last 5km's though? Did they all suffer amnesia over the new rule? Did they all eat Beef Wellington last night?
So may questions and... so many pink fairies and kaleidoscope eyes... oooo...
Of course, my rough and paltry contributions went down with the good ship BR - a bit like most of the riders today. So many chucking themselves at the tarmac to get an edge n the most coveted prize. Why inside the last 5km's though? Did they all suffer amnesia over the new rule? Did they all eat Beef Wellington last night?
So may questions and... so many pink fairies and kaleidoscope eyes... oooo...
Pross
Veteran
One thing I’ve never checked is whether time penalties are frowned upon upon. Are they viewed as the equivalent of Roglification seconds at the other end or is taking a 30” bonus for taking an illegal feed to your mate good tactics? Not one we see get used much.
Today should give opportunities for late attacks and if the wind blows there could be some big gains for the breaks off the back.
Today should give opportunities for late attacks and if the wind blows there could be some big gains for the breaks off the back.
OP
OP
Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
Time penalties - both good and bad - are all part of the game. Cycling's actual rules as applied, as opposed to how they're written, are notoriously loose. I'm sure the jury would find a way to stamp down on any egregious abuse.
The LR is usually decided by such a margin that you'd need to drop a hell of a lot of litter, I think.
matticus
Guru
Who?!?
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
Cees Bol. Everyone knows that.
OP
OP
Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
I'm pleased to announce that after consultation with stakeholders, the engagement of an international branding agency, and a series of carefully selected focus groups, today's stage is officially known as "Stage 4" - and what a stage it was. After two days of phoney war, with nothing much happening other than a couple of trial accidents to see how opponents and directeurs sportif alike reacted, the LR battle finally kicked properly into life. Taking advantage of road furniture, uneven cambers and - let's face it - plain old dopiness, riders were chucking themselves impressively but harmlessly off their bikes in all directions in an attempt to move up the standings.
Taking advantage of the GC hotheads ripping the race apart in the final climbs, a large group rolled in over 15 minutes down, with the wisest riders carefully allowing a gap to open up to gain those vital extra seconds. And how vital they might be - the top five are currently separated by just forty seconds.
The big mover on the day was Matteo Vercher of Gotno Energies, who slipped away from others to claim an impressive 17'44" and catapult himself up to second in the standings. Biniam Girmay showed his potential by coming in not long before with Roel van Sintmaartensdijk (handily weighed down by the baggage of being in my Velogames team) and Jordi Meeus, who looked in a bad way yesterday but seems to have realised a serious tilt at a major title is now open before him. Astana were as busy in the peloton as ever - at one point three of their riders fell over within about thirty seconds - but conceded time overall. Fedorov now leads, but Cees Bol will be kicking himself for not marking Vercher and slips to third.
Join us tomorrow as we lift up our petticoats, strike up the band and titillate the audience by dancing the Caen-Caen...
Taylor Swift's Eras:
Ben Swift's Ears:
Taking advantage of the GC hotheads ripping the race apart in the final climbs, a large group rolled in over 15 minutes down, with the wisest riders carefully allowing a gap to open up to gain those vital extra seconds. And how vital they might be - the top five are currently separated by just forty seconds.
The big mover on the day was Matteo Vercher of Gotno Energies, who slipped away from others to claim an impressive 17'44" and catapult himself up to second in the standings. Biniam Girmay showed his potential by coming in not long before with Roel van Sintmaartensdijk (handily weighed down by the baggage of being in my Velogames team) and Jordi Meeus, who looked in a bad way yesterday but seems to have realised a serious tilt at a major title is now open before him. Astana were as busy in the peloton as ever - at one point three of their riders fell over within about thirty seconds - but conceded time overall. Fedorov now leads, but Cees Bol will be kicking himself for not marking Vercher and slips to third.
Join us tomorrow as we lift up our petticoats, strike up the band and titillate the audience by dancing the Caen-Caen...
Taylor Swift's Eras:
Ben Swift's Ears:
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
Always a difficult day for the Lanterne contenders, as they need to go as slowly as possible while still making the time cut, which will be based on a finish time set much later in the day. Have they made their calculations right? Will the weather change? How much time can they safely give up without being thrown out OTL?
