Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Green Fingers,

Stop whinging. You young blighters don't know you're born. No national service, no rickets, pith easy A levels, you've got it made.

Anyway, don't despair. The MUBIE has an excellent chemistry syllabus. Their meth lab is first class.

 

[Gwylan]

Dear Green Fingers,

Stop whinging. You young blighters don't know you're born. No national service, no rickets, pith easy A levels, you've got it made.

Anyway, don't despair. The MUBIE has an excellent chemistry syllabus. Their meth lab is first class.

See you haven't lost the deep and meaningful caring style.

 

[Drago]

See you haven't lost the deep and meaningful caring style.

You know me Gwen. Detail orientated and empathetic to a fault.

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
Got myself in a delicate situation here, bet that has surprised you!!
Long story short, a guy offered me some cheap used y fronts. OkI thought....... a bit grubby but OK.
Turns out the guy nicked them off a line outside a posh gaff near Milton Keynes.
OK, the problem.
After one week I can't get them off. Tried WD40. Tried tying them to the bannister and jumping....... nothing works.
So, guess where I am!! yep, A&E.
They are talking about an oxy accetylene burner which is scary.
Police are now asking personal details. I can't tell them they are stolen can I.
So...... with your depth of wisdom do you have any suggestions as to how I can remove them.
Yours
Mr Todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear uncle Drago.
Got myself in a delicate situation here, bet that has surprised you!!
Long story short, a guy offered me some cheap used y fronts. OkI thought....... a bit grubby but OK.
Turns out the guy nicked them off a line outside a posh gaff near Milton Keynes.
OK, the problem.
After one week I can't get them off. Tried WD40. Tried tying them to the bannister and jumping....... nothing works.
So, guess where I am!! yep, A&E.
They are talking about an oxy accetylene burner which is scary.
Police are now asking personal details. I can't tell them they are stolen an I.
So...... with your depth of wisdom do you have any suggestions as to how I can remove them.
Yours
Mr Todge.

Dear Mavis,

Yet another tricky predicament in which you find yourself.

The dibble clearly suspect they are the Y fronts belonging to Prince Andrew that were stolen off the washing line. The stains, skid marks, and newly evolved life forms are the give away.

Avoid suspicion by telling the Five-O they're you're Y fronts and you cooked them in the toaster in order to sterilise them. That would explain the burn marks caused by acidic farts.

As for getting them off they'll probably have to undo your nuts first. Still, a locking washer and some loctite should see them back on as good as new. Fortunately they're badly deformed anyway so a bit of new damage shouldn't arouse suspicion any more than they're likely to arouse a female.

 

[tyred]

Dear Mr Dragon,

I fear my husband, Victor, is suffering from stress. He has a terribly cynical view of the world.

He is also a rather grumpy, moody and tends to get very irritated with other people.

It is rather embarrassing for me when he picks pointless fights with other random people, after for very minor grievances.

What do you think I could do to help my beloved Victor to have a more cheerful disposition?

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. M. Meldrew

Phone 4291

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I hope you have enjoyed your break and are ready to hurl yourself back into the fray.
I have alienated all my old friends and I am trying to ingratiate myself with a younger set. I keep sober so I can drive them back home, while I also buy a lot of the drinks. They all like a singer called Taylor Swift. Should I pretend to like her too, because I don't.

 

[Drago]

Dear Mr Dragon,

I fear my husband, Victor, is suffering from stress. He has a terribly cynical view of the world.

He is also a rather grumpy, moody and tends to get very irritated with other people.

It is rather embarrassing for me when he picks pointless fights with other random people, after for very minor grievances.

What do you think I could do to help my beloved Victor to have a more cheerful disposition?

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. M. Meldrew

Phone 4291

Dear unsympathetic old trout,

Divorcing you should do the trick.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I hope you have enjoyed your break and are ready to hurl yourself back into the fray.
I have alienated all my old friends and I am trying to ingratiate myself with a younger set. I keep sober so I can drive them back home, while I also buy a lot of the drinks. They all like a singer called Taylor Swift. Should I pretend to like her too, because I don't.

Dear Chris Rea,

Give it up gramps. Your rohypnol impregnated Werthers Originals clearly aren't working.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am an thirty-one-year-old woman from New York State. I can say with confidence I am an attractive woman. I have long, golden hair. I am 5'7" and weigh 120 pounds. I am a kind of high flyer. I work for the US Inland Revenue service. My role is to investigate companies whose tax returns look suspicious, whether they are too high, too low, too consistent or inconsistent, anything which may indicate either tax evasion or money laundering. It was while I was investigating one of these businesses in a small town in South Dakota that I met HIM. Indeed, the company I was investigating was a front for a massive counterfeit pharmaceuticals operation. The business owners had not been pleased to meet me there, and I was being held in an underground complex in a room with no means of communication or hope of escape. HE just appeared, all 6'5" and 230 pounds of him. To cut a long story short, he offed the criminals fronting the operation and his henchmen, and I won a commendation after discovering the identity of a mole in Food and Drug Administration.
Only now I cannot get HIM out of mind. I lie awake at night hoping that I am pregnant with his child. The prospect I may not be seems dreadful to me. I count and recount the days from my previous period to the two glorious days we made love. I have broken up with my boyfriend who I was planning to marry in the spring. I do not think I could ever face the prospect of having sex with any other man. I know I could not have held HIM. He was a free spirit. But how do I live my life now?

 

[Drago]

Dear Brown Funk,

Clearly you've fallen under Boris Johnsons spell, and what woman could resist?

Boris is as fertile as he is virile so you can bensure that you're pregnant with a future prime minister.

Of course,the drugs thing isn't good. Selling drugs is not a good way for him to make money, although that wallpaper needs paying for somehow.

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
You will Not believe the predicament I find myself in, or guess where I am .
I hoped I had got "that" woman out of my system but every night I wake up with, you know, 'thoughts' about her..
So I bit the bullet. Went to a certain naughty knicker shop and bought myself a new NYLON thong.
I decided to physically strengthen myself by eating 2 large cans of beans (maybe it wasn't my best ever idea).
Anyway, she let me in whereupon a sequence of events occurred.
Remember.... My thong was/is NYLON.
To get warm I stood near the open fire. Due to the beans I felt the need for what turned out to be a humungous fart, I mean this was BIG.
So.......
Beans =methane +open fire + Nylon thong. Jeez the pain as my thong melted into every crevice AND my dangly bits.
So....... This is where I need your advice as I sit in A&E.
1. How do I explain myself to these nurses as for some reason they just keep giggling.
2. How do I get molten/melted nylon out of all my bits?
NB they are talking about trying various types of acid...... Sounds painful.
Regards
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nadger,

I think the bedr explanation would be to blame Chris Rea. An unexpected materialistation of the TURDIS exposed you to rhe Auberge Field and that caused the backfire,didn't it?

As for the melted nylon...then doctors tell me that's there for good. The good news is that because it's a bluey-purple nylon colour you can just tell folk it's varicose veins.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am hitching across America trying to find myself. I can't decide where to go next. I am about a day away from Tulsa, but I can't find Amarillo on the map.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am hitching across America trying to find myself. I can't decide where to go next. I am about a day away from Tulsa, but I can't find Amarillo on the map.

You heard it on the peacetime radio,
New york, new York, so good they named it twice.
You'll find a place there called Heartbreak Hotel where you can check in but never leave.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Sam Drago

I find myself in a very confused State.

You see, I was trying get back to sweet home Alabama, but I had Georgia on my mind! However, the midnight train could not get me there, and, to be honest I wasn't in a New York state of mind.

So the country road was heading me for West Virgina, but I ended up in Denver, Colorado, and had to book into the Hotel California, and now I can never leave!

Can you help?

Elvish Boy (still not left the building).