Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Durrrm,

I advise caution.

The vehicle you see and the occupant within could be the elusive Chris Rea, time travelling megastar. As a fan he could have selected you to join him on his travels, a sort of fat middle aged non PC non ehtnoc minority Doctor Who companion.

Or it could be a dishevelled Philip Schofield received by your youthful good looks and Bay City Rollers T shirt, so a degree of circumspection is required.

 

[tyred]

Dear uncle Drago,

I own the ultimate driving machine in the form of a twenty year old BMW 316i but I increasingly find driving a chore. I don't get the same enjoyment from it as I used to.

I find people just get in my way and restrict my progress. Don't they realise that I own the roads? Just the other day some peasant in a Kia Soul dared to use my overtaking lane of the motorway and made me slow down to about 70. How dare they hog my road with a slow-moving lesser car. I almost dropped my phone in disgust which made me spill my gin.

Then there are these people in tight clothing that ride these funny two-wheeler contraptions on my road and expect me to slow down. Surely that should be illegal. They cause all the accidents in my opinion.

There are also these red light things where people keep stopping and impeding my progress. Don't they know that red lights don't apply to me.

Finally, one other question. There is this stalk thing behind my steering wheel that puts on flashing amber lights on my car. You know, like the flashing lights I can use to signal I'm parking on double yellow lines, but only one side at a time. What is it for? I can find no reference to it in the owners' manual.

Thank you,
Concerned BMW driver.

 

[Drago]

Dear loon,

Things are moving on. If you want access to the photocopier salesman walanker lane in 2024 you need an Audi.

That thing by the steering wheel activates the straight person dating device, so you ought to use it if you want to avoid any further attention from hairy truckers when you stop for lunch in a lay by.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I sprained and injured my eyebrow muscles and now my face is all swollen and red.

What treatment would you recommend for this and how could I prevent a re-occurrence?

Yours faithfully,
Roger Moore

 

[Drago]

Dear Pearce,

Sorry to hear that you have been shaken rather than stirred. A sprained eyebrow is no laughing matter.

I would suggest perhaps a faceful of Miss Moneypenny's warm compress will assist. It won't help your recovery one bit, but itll take your mind off things.

 

[tyred]

Dear uncle Drago,

For 24 years, I have lived next door to Alice. I've waited for 24 years to get a second chance and tell her how I loved her.

Now I believe she is leaving as I've just seen her load a few suitcases into the boot of some trendy guy's Austin Allegro Vanden Plas.

Now, I've just watched the Vanden Plas pull out of Alice's drive.

How do I get used to not living next door to Alice?

Yours faithfully,
Nicky C.

 

[DRM]

Dear uncle Drago,

For 24 years, I have lived next door to Alice. I've waited for 24 years to get a second chance and tell her how I loved her.

Now I believe she is leaving as I've just seen her load a few suitcases into the boot of some trendy guy's Austin Allegro Vanden Plas.

Now, I've just watched the Vanden Plas pull out of Alice's drive.

How do I get used to not living next door to Alice?

Yours faithfully,
Nicky C.

 

[Drago]

Dear uncle Drago,

For 24 years, I have lived next door to Alice. I've waited for 24 years to get a second chance and tell her how I loved her.

Now I believe she is leaving as I've just seen her load a few suitcases into the boot of some trendy guy's Austin Allegro Vanden Plas.

Now, I've just watched the Vanden Plas pull out of Alice's drive.

How do I get used to not living next door to Alice?

Yours faithfully,
Nicky C.

Dear Ricky,

Fear not. Alice Cooper has only gone on tour. He'll be back in then spring.

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
A little advice would not go amiss here.
I went to visit her up the road once again.
I told her straight........
I am leaving on a jet plane.
I do not know when I'll be back again.
But babe I hate to go.

I then told her.........
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go.

Unfortunately all I had was a plastic Tesco bag.

I like to think there was a tear in her eye as she said " well wat you watin for, clear off".

My question is, what do I do now ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

Another fine mess!

I suggest you get drunk, crash the car, have your pilots licence technically revoked, then find a home made experimental light aircraft with little fuel aboard and a reserve tap out of reach of the pilot, then take a long flight over water. That'll give you something to occupy your mind.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Mavis,

Another fine mess!

I suggest you get drunk, crash the car, have your pilots licence technically revoked, then find a home made experimental light aircraft with little fuel aboard and a reserve tap out of reach of the pilot, then take a long flight over water. That'll give you something to occupy your mind.

What a great idea.
I don't know how you think them up

 

[DRM]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I need some urgent advice, apparently
There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
and she’s buying a stairway to heaven,
when she gets there she knows
if the stores are all closed
with a word she can get what she came for,
do you know where I can contact her, and do you think she could get me a smart TV?
Yours in search of a bargain

 

[Drago]

Dear Durm,

She needs cooling, and baby you ain't fooling.

You want to be her back door man? Then you need to be brave like Achilles at his last stand. If it goes wrong it's nobody's fault but mine.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago

Last night I stepped onboard a vision, travelling with the wind. It were the 23rd June, the day before the fair. When we anchored at Spanchill, I went to see the neighbours to see what they might say. The old ones were all dead and gone, the young had all grown old.
I met Taylor Quigley, as proud as ever still, he made my britches when I lived in Spanchill.
I met with Jenny, my first love. As white as any lily and as gentle as dove. She threw her arms around me, saying that she loved me still. She said I was only dreaming, but was I?
It all seemed to real to be anything but true. Could this be some cruel twist of fate that denies me my only love.

I await your wise views on this matter
Yours
Johnny

 

[Drago]

Dear Tommy,

I think the fact thatnypure hideously deformed, a hunchback, have chromic halitosis and are a raving pervert are probably the reasons fate denies you love of any kind.