Who do you reckon 'wins' this?

[montage]

The community warden looses his rag and whips out an Uzi. Luckily your brought your steel road bike - which coincidentally is bullet proof so as he unleashes a full magazine of hate filled 9mm rounds in your directions, you scramble on your bike and start sprinting towards him. The rounds start getting dangerously close at this point black range so your flip the front wheel up into a wheelie, causing the rounds to deflect off the bottom tube. Two seconds later your front wheel's tyre collides with the bridge of the nose of the Uzi's owner, knocking him to the ground in a flurry of blood, flesh and metal, also causing you to fly over the handlebars are cut open your cheek in an action man type manner.

Unfortunately, on the other side of the van, the other councilor is reloading his SPAS shotgun having already wounded your riding buddy. Despite being wounded you take the initiative - you look into the van to see a packet of ciggies and a lighter lying next to them on the dash board. Grabbing the lighter out van, you turn round to see the first councilor with the Uzi starting to get up, so you pick him up by the scruff of the neck and deliver two strong punches to the bridge of his nose. Following this you jump onto the bonnet of the van and proceed to sprint along the roof of the van and drop kick the SPAS shotgun holding councilor in the face with your brand new £24.99 yellow cleated SPDs.

Now your plan kicks into action, you have a few seconds to spare as the councilors are withering in pain trying to find themselves. You throw your buddy over your shoulder, and spark a cigarette.

the words "Hasta la vista....baby" spill from your lips after you take a long drawn out puff from the cigarette... following a quick wink you throw the lit cig at the pool of oil which has been gathering after one of the sporadic 9mm rounds punctured the oil tank. As you throw it you turn round to sprint away from the scene, with both councilors pumping the air rounds you full of rounds. Seconds seem like hours as you struggle away before you are thrown to the ground by a huge explosion. You turn round to see a ball of fire and metal with a pillar of smoke replacing the scene of the van.

You stand up, and start picking your friend back up as well after checking yourselves over
"So when is this cafe stop?" you ask your friend

 

[Mr Pig]

Noodly, if you don't get on with this story pronto I am going to hunt you down and kill you! ;0)

 

[TVC]

Did it turn out that Bruce Willis was dead all along?

...Or that the warden turned out to be Noodlys' father, and the daft bint with the danish pastries strapped to her head was his sister?

...Did Noodly look on the bottom of his shoe to see that some kid had scrawled the name 'Andy' on it?

...Did they all go their seperate ways, then Noodly realised he couldn't live without the warden, race to his wedding and hammer on the plate glass window just before the 'I do' bit, finally running off with the warden and being last seen together on the back seat of a bus?

... Or was it that the warden came at Noodly waving a big sword in a theatrical manner, but Noodly just rolled his eyes, pulled out his revolver and shot him?

 

[marinyork]

This is one of the most exciting and funny threads in at least a few days .

 

[LordoftheTeapot]

* waits *

 

[Landslide]

The council guy loses his cool, and tries to punch Noodley, who is standing by the van. With Mr Miyagi-like reflexes Noodley shimmies to the side, and the council guy's fist goes throught the van window.

 

[TVC]

Actually, on second thought, given that they are both council employees; they probably set up a committee of enquiry, published several reports, had a couple of training days and let the whole thing die off without really achieving anything.

 

[Keith Oates]

Seems to me that Noodley won the fight and then went home to post about on here. However the Warden recovered staggered back to Noodleys house and just as he was going to give us the answer, Bang, frying pan around the back of the head and we now have to wait until he regains consciousness !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[MichaelM]

You share an office with/have an office next to his immediate manager, and it ends with you telling him to be in your in-tray first thing on Monday morning.

 

[peanut]

turns out it was Noodley's long lost son who left home at 12 yrs and has just got out of the nick

 

[Noodley]

you took a picture of them

I did. I took a picture of them just after I asked the small passenger with the big attitude if he was also a community warden as he did not have on any identifying clothing. He replied that he was, so I asked his name. his reply was "what's your name?" But it prompted him to put his community warden jacket on but he put his hand over his badge so I could not see his name, then both of them went back into the vehicle to allegedly phone the Police. So I decided to take their photo....which didn't go down to well with the short passenger as I heard him say "Oh f***"

The driver then got out and told me I was again breaking the law....as I had taken his picture without his permission I asked him what legislation he was referring to and when it had been passed as I must have missed it. I also suggested he was speaking sh**

He said he was in a hurry again....I then pointed out his vehicle was parked dangerously and he was causing other vehicles to slow down

That went down really well.

I'll continue the saga later.....but I feel it will be somewhat of a let-down after some of the suggested scenarios.

 

[HLaB]

He said he was in a hurry again....I then pointed out his vehicle was parked dangerously and he was causing other vehicles to slow down

Did somebody crash into the back of their van?

 

[stedlocks]

As they were council wardens, did they then 'health and safety' your arse??

 

[dellzeqq]

Noodley I have just read this entire thread and I simply cannot allow you to string this out any longer, so I'm going to have to tell all....

......All this cycling and getting in and out of cars had raised the temperature a little. The little exchange that Noodley has related was succeeded in this fashion.....

One of the wardens reaches forward and pulls Noodley's head to him. Their mouths lock one on to another. They kiss, their tounges intertwining with an urgent intensity that thrills all that witnessed it - indeed, passing drivers faint, causing a pile-up that stretches half a mile down the road. Noodley's lycra and the community warden's reflective jacket are ripped to shreds, and they fall into a kind of animal lovemaking that slides from the bonnet of the car to the tarmac, rolling in spilt diesel and fallen leaves, oblivious to any consideration other than nipples, tounges, buttocks, all heaving and thrusting in a pulsing orgy of fleshly delight.

This is surpassed only by the amorous intertwining of the other community warden and Noodley's companion, whose feverish sucking and licking know no bounds. Their shrieks are pure Centre Court, their groans those of ships sliding down the slipway.........

Anyway, enough of this. You're going to have to pay to see the rest in the cinema, gonzo film director Thrust Gently having recorded it as part of his upcoming epic 'The Highway Code Explained'.

 

[Fnaar]