Any good jokes ... ?

[Philhh]

Putin comes to the UK-as he goes though customs he gets called on to one side and taken into a small room.
The customs officer there looks at him and says it's a problem with your passport sir-Occupation? Putin looks at him and says oh no nothing like that I'm just on holiday

 

[jayonabike]

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

 

[Diggs]

 

[derrick]

Probably on here already but.
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

 

[raleighnut]

Probably on here already but.
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

Nice update on an old joke.

 

[wonderdog]

I'm not going to search through 300 pages of jokes, but stop me if you've heard this one before.
A chap buys a talking centipede from his local pet shop.
One night, he felt like a drink, so said to the centipede, “Do you fancy going down to the pub for a couple of ales?”
No reply
A miniute later, he asked the same question … again, no reply.
A third time, he asked whether a stroll down to the pub was a good idea.
“I heard you the first time,” the centipede replied, “Can’t you wait till I get my shoes on?"

 

[wonderdog]

Closely followed by something even worse ...

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Boom tish!

 

[colly]

I'm not going to search through 300 pages of jokes, but stop me if you've heard this one before.
A chap buys a talking centipede from his local pet shop.
One night, he felt like a drink, so said to the centipede, “Do you fancy going down to the pub for a couple of ales?”
No reply
A miniute later, he asked the same question … again, no reply.
A third time, he asked whether a stroll down to the pub was a good idea.
“I heard you the first time,” the centipede replied, “Can’t you wait till I get my shoes on?"

Probably the same centipede that was out on the razzle and hoping to pull and get his leg over leg over leg over leg over leg over..........................................................

 

[Maverick Goose]

How many Michelin starred chefs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None...we'll all just f*** off early down the pub and let the kitchen porter do it!

 

[TVC]

Probably the same centipede that was out on the razzle and hoping to pull and get his leg over leg over leg over leg over leg over..........................................................

What goes 99 clomp, 99 clomp, 99 clomp...... a centipede with a wooden leg.

 

[Smokin Joe]

What goes 99 clomp, 99 clomp, 99 clomp...... a centipede with a wooden leg.

That one made me laugh like a drain when I heard it.

1963 I think it was, or maybe '62....

 

[Markymark]

That one made me laugh like a drain when I heard it.

1963 I think it was, or maybe '62....

At your retirement party?

 

[TVC]

That one made me laugh like a drain when I heard it.

1963 I think it was, or maybe '62....

Yep, it was one of the first jokes my dad told me.

That and "What's yellow and dangerous?".

 

[Markymark]

Trump has been president for 5 minutes and already a black family is unemployed and homeless.