Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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guitarpete247
Just about surviving
- Location
- Leicestershire
The one and only joke I've ever heard my dad tell was:
A who suspects his wife of having an affair comes home from work early. As he steps out of the lift on the floor of his apartment he sees a shifty looking bloke heading from the direction of his apartment. He rushes in and looks out of his window on the 6th floor and sees the same chap coming out of the building. Picking up the wardrobe, with a superhuman feat of strength he hurls the wardrobe out and it hits the man and kills him instantly. Unfortunately the exertion brings on a heart attack and he drops down dead.
Outside the Pearly Gates there are 3 men. St Peter asks the first "Why are you here".
He replies. "I was coming out of my mistress's apartment building when I was hit by a wardrobe".
"Well for your , admitted, infidelity you can't come in. And you, what did you do?" he asks the second.
"Well I spotted my wife's lover coming from our apartment so rushed in and threw the wardrobe out of the window and killed him.I then had a heart attack and died".
"Well" says St Peter "For admitting murder and because of your jealousy you can't come in. And What about you?" he asks the third man.
"Well I was in this wardrobe".
A who suspects his wife of having an affair comes home from work early. As he steps out of the lift on the floor of his apartment he sees a shifty looking bloke heading from the direction of his apartment. He rushes in and looks out of his window on the 6th floor and sees the same chap coming out of the building. Picking up the wardrobe, with a superhuman feat of strength he hurls the wardrobe out and it hits the man and kills him instantly. Unfortunately the exertion brings on a heart attack and he drops down dead.
Outside the Pearly Gates there are 3 men. St Peter asks the first "Why are you here".
He replies. "I was coming out of my mistress's apartment building when I was hit by a wardrobe".
"Well for your , admitted, infidelity you can't come in. And you, what did you do?" he asks the second.
"Well I spotted my wife's lover coming from our apartment so rushed in and threw the wardrobe out of the window and killed him.I then had a heart attack and died".
"Well" says St Peter "For admitting murder and because of your jealousy you can't come in. And What about you?" he asks the third man.
"Well I was in this wardrobe".
wonderdog
Senior Member
- Location
- Canberra, Australia
Shark infested custard to be sure! Yes, it was the early 60s
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
So some of the bigger names in the insurance market are getting into the relatively new area of offering insurance for people having sex... I believe Radio 4's Moneybox has done a comprehensive review of the market and, depending on the type of sex you are engaging in, were able to recommend specific suppliers for the best cover... IIRC:
If its husband and wife sex then Legal & General offered the best cover. For Telephone sex - Direct Line
Sex with your usual partner - Standard Life. Sex with someone different - Go Compare
If you are thinking about doing it in the back of the car - Sheila's Wheels had a special offer on and Priviledged were the best if he or she is from the the home counties. For everything else there is Confused.com
If its husband and wife sex then Legal & General offered the best cover. For Telephone sex - Direct Line
Sex with your usual partner - Standard Life. Sex with someone different - Go Compare
If you are thinking about doing it in the back of the car - Sheila's Wheels had a special offer on and Priviledged were the best if he or she is from the the home counties. For everything else there is Confused.com
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
My friend can only sleep on stacks of magazines.
He's got back issues.
He's got back issues.
AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
NorthernDave
Never used Über Member
- Location
- The real Northern Powerhouse
(Shamelessly lifted from the Simon Mayo show earlier this week)
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.
This continues with the next patient:
Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.
This continues with the next patient:
Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
That's terrible. Thanks.
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Hearing that scientists have developed a cure for dyslexia was music to my arse.
mrcunning
Über Member
Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "im the hardest in here.''
Barman says ''calm down mate,of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!''
Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says"I'll fight any one here. Who wants a beating?"
Black tarmac stays silent.
The barman says to black tarmac "Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?
Black tarmac replies"I'm not messing with that bugger, he's a cyclepath."
Barman says ''calm down mate,of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!''
Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says"I'll fight any one here. Who wants a beating?"
Black tarmac stays silent.
The barman says to black tarmac "Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?
Black tarmac replies"I'm not messing with that bugger, he's a cyclepath."
