Give me some dialogue from your day

[jhawk]

A friend. "We'll have protein powder and Peanut Butter!"

Me: "I'm lactose-intolerant, remember?"

Friend: "Soya protein".

Me: "And, I don't like peanut butter."

Friend: "WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?!"

 

[Lullabelle]

Colleague: if we win the Euromillions this weekend I won't come in on Monday

Me: see you on Monday then

 

[jhawk]

Dad's been away for the weekend.

"Do you know what I had last night after tea?"

"What?"

"I had orange and pineapple, chocolate ice cream, and tiger stripe ice cream. It was delicious."

"Oh yeah? You know what I had after tea last night? F--- all!"

 

[Rickshaw Phil]

Me: Are you going far?

Club Rider: About 30 miles I think. It's the first ride of the year, so not too far. How about you?

Me: I'm going to Stretton and over the Long Mynd.

CR: Over the Long Mynd? What, over the Long Mynd? With that lot? (nods towards pannier laden knockabout bike)

Me: That's right.

CR: Have you ridden up there before?

Me: Yes, plenty of times.

CR: (Looks dubious)

My disguise as a non serious rider is clearly working.

 

[Arch]

I've spent all day sorting out my CV and a job application. Then we met some friends at the pub. As we left, I said:

"I'm exhausted from selling myself all day".

It was suggested, I might want to rephrase that.

 

[Profpointy]

[Man came up to me and pointed a knife at my stomach]

MWK: "Give me your money...!"

Me: "Alright"

[I get my wallet out and pass it to him - As he takes it from me I kick his right shin hard, I grab the (RH) knife hand with both hands, I pivot to my right and end up with his arm in a figure 4 arm lock over my right arm, a quick pull/twist to my left breaks his shoulder]

MWK: "Ow...!"

Me: "OK, your turn.....give me your money....!"

Jujitsu should be on the curriculum.

A colleague at work who was quite handy in these matters was in a fairly similar situation (no cutlery as I understand it, but there were two assailants). Conversation along similar lines - he queried their intentions "are you threatening me?", rather taken aback, answer "well, yes"..... "well you've come to the wrong place pal" ... and they had too as it turned out.

 

[EltonFrog]

Me to small boy playing with toy car:

"nice car, is it Lightening McQueen....is it from "Cars"?

Small boy:

"No. Asda"

Made me laugh.

 

[Maverick Goose]

I've spent all day sorting out my CV and a job application. Then we met some friends at the pub. As we left, I said:

"I'm exhausted from selling myself all day".

It was suggested, I might want to rephrase that.

Good luck with that BTW Arch!

 

[Arch]

Good luck with that BTW Arch!

Thanks! It's a big step after 4 years in my current job, but I've got to get something in Manchester so I can move over.

At least now I've done it once, I've got all the details up to date.

 

[Asa Post]

Doctor in local Dermatology Unit: "That's a Seborrhoeic wart. It's completely harmless. Relax, you don't have skin cancer"
Me: "Thank you"

Doctor: "But you do have sun-related skin damage on your arms and legs. If you intend to keep on cycling, and it's too warm to cover your skin, you need to use at least SPF30 with 4 stars. Use lots, and reapply often - every 2 hours at least"
Me (thinks): "That'll b***er up the long rides!"
Doctor: "I'd normally recommend a wide-brimmed hat as well, but I suppose that won't work on a bike"
Me: "No, not at the speeds I ride"

 

[jhawk]

Our male dog, Akaya - who hasn't been neutered might be going away on a road trip of his own this weekend, when Dad goes away.

"So, this weekend. I might take Akaya with me when I go away."

"Why?"

"Because, he might have a girlfriend!"

"Great... So I'll be the only one not getting any this weekend... Terrific."

 

[gbb]

The site has a grass field opposite our workshops, its frequented by crows, rooks and jackdaws. Its never to our knowledge been frequented by hedgehogs.
The day before yesterday was foggy first thing. We walked out of the workshop, my colleague suddenly said....
'Ooh look, a hedgehog ' and pointed to this shape in the gloom....
'Errrr, thats a crow ' i replied...
'whaaaa , i coulda sworn.....'

Yesterday, we walked out and i pointed out a crow and said...
'Oooh look, a hedgehog '
'Yeah yeah, alright ... replied my colleague.

Today, we're looking out over the field, there are maybe 20 crows, rooks etc in view. I said...
'Ooooh look....a flock of hedgehogs '

Both of us....

 

[gbb]

I'm in an office, another guy Is asking for a pair of gloves. One of two girls in the office open a drawer to retrieve said gloves. I lean forward to see what else is in there..and say...
'Look at that, open yer drawers...and everyone wants a look '
The girl at the drawers gave a stifled snigger, girl two snorted and laughed.
Me...'What ???

as a footnote, this office Is riddled with innuendo and smut....its the girls that usually start it. Im a shrinking violet normally

 

[Lullabelle]

This afternoon I was in the canteen

Jamie: hey Lu, Graham wants to take you in the stationary cupboard (much whistling and cheers)
Me: which Graham?
Jamie: what do you mean which one, how many do we have?
Me: erm 2...
Jamie: oh yeah

 

[gbb]

The wife and I often verbally joust, a bit of fun.
The other evening, all the soaps had finished, I asked...
'Give us the remote ...anyway, whats it doing on your side of the sofa'
'Im using it, its not YOUR remote '
'Gizzit back, you know who's In charge of it'...at the same time beckoning the remote with my hands, magician style.
'Say please' said the wife.
'No, Its my remote '
'Say please...'
'No, no, gizzit'
'oh ok....please'
'Pretty please ?'demanded the wife.
'Noooo, pretty please '
'And you'll clean up tomorrow ?'
'Yeah yeah, giz the remote '
'AND do sunday dinner '
'WOT ?....i usually do anyway ...anything else ?'
'No, that'll do '

me...
'Good job you caved in there, there'd have been trouble otherwise '

wife...
'yeah, right '