ScotiaLass
Guru
- Location
- Middle Earth
My kids usually gift me the Firemen's charity calendar at Christmas, but I didn't get one this yearYes, it was rather! And it was mixed showers.
Firemen, in, and out of their uniforms.
Give me some dialogue from your day
- Thread starter Crackle
- Start date
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MontyVeda
a short-tempered ill-controlled small-minded troll
- Location
- Lancaster... the little city.
this is actually from the other day... I was round at a friend's house and after being asked about The Big Bang and me briefly explaining the theory that nothing became something and it all expanded from there....
she: "What a load of bollox!"
me: "Well I reckon it's marginally more likely than God made it."
she: "Is it f*ck!"
me: "er..."
she (after moment's thought): "So... what is the difference between the old testament and the new testament?"
me:
she: "What a load of bollox!"
me: "Well I reckon it's marginally more likely than God made it."
she: "Is it f*ck!"
me: "er..."
she (after moment's thought): "So... what is the difference between the old testament and the new testament?"
me:
ScotiaLass
Guru
- Location
- Middle Earth
OMG I have never laughed so much....
I'm watching Calendar Girls on TV. My 13 yr old son (with Aspergers) is in the room too.
Me: <laughing> Imagine coming home from school to find your mum topless behind a bowl of fruit!
Son: I would die!....<deep in thought type silence>
Me: xxxx! I didn't mean IMAGINE it!!
Son: Oh no! I have just scarred myself for life, haven't I?
One day I will learn to phrase my words more carefully around him!!
I'm watching Calendar Girls on TV. My 13 yr old son (with Aspergers) is in the room too.
Me: <laughing> Imagine coming home from school to find your mum topless behind a bowl of fruit!
Son: I would die!....<deep in thought type silence>
Me: xxxx! I didn't mean IMAGINE it!!
Son: Oh no! I have just scarred myself for life, haven't I?
One day I will learn to phrase my words more carefully around him!!
gbb
Legendary Member
- Location
- Peterborough
Me, after fixing a machine that just needed the heaters 'tuning'..a simple process..
'Ooh, before we go to blah blah job, just let me log that in the diary'
Colleague..
'Whatcha bothering for, its was just a simple fix'
'Cos it build up a record of what we've done on those new machines'
'But why, no-one cares'
'No-one YOU know about, but having info to relate back to can sometimes help..and theres nothing worse than the bosses asking you for info that you cant give them'
'Dunno why your bothering really'
Me, now getting ticked off with a couldnt care less attitude from my colleague...
'If you cant be bothered with simple stuff, whats the point of any of it then ?, you might as well not bother with any paperwork at all'
Later...
me, filling in maintenance records, we're slightly in front by a few days, im doing Aprils servicing, no problem, its just a few days ahead...but ive just dated it all incorrectly for the schedule..
'Bogger it, ive gotta do that again'
'Why, its only 3 days out'
'So ?'
'Dates wrong'
'And ?..its only three days, who cares ?
' The auditors will if they see it'
''Its only three days'
'You really dont know how auditors work do you, they LOVE to find little things like that, it justifies their existence'
'But thats just plain stupid'
'Oh dont get me wrong, I agree, but paperworks gotta be right'
Colleague shakes his head...
If it were left to him, he probably would dig himself in a hole so deep with a slapdash mentality hes showing at the moment...his immaturity shines through at times. Christ help the company if it were left to him to run the maintenance in a professional manner. I like him, but ....
'Ooh, before we go to blah blah job, just let me log that in the diary'
Colleague..
'Whatcha bothering for, its was just a simple fix'
'Cos it build up a record of what we've done on those new machines'
'But why, no-one cares'
'No-one YOU know about, but having info to relate back to can sometimes help..and theres nothing worse than the bosses asking you for info that you cant give them'
'Dunno why your bothering really'
Me, now getting ticked off with a couldnt care less attitude from my colleague...
'If you cant be bothered with simple stuff, whats the point of any of it then ?, you might as well not bother with any paperwork at all'
Later...
me, filling in maintenance records, we're slightly in front by a few days, im doing Aprils servicing, no problem, its just a few days ahead...but ive just dated it all incorrectly for the schedule..
'Bogger it, ive gotta do that again'
'Why, its only 3 days out'
'So ?'
'Dates wrong'
'And ?..its only three days, who cares ?
' The auditors will if they see it'
''Its only three days'
'You really dont know how auditors work do you, they LOVE to find little things like that, it justifies their existence'
'But thats just plain stupid'
'Oh dont get me wrong, I agree, but paperworks gotta be right'
Colleague shakes his head...
If it were left to him, he probably would dig himself in a hole so deep with a slapdash mentality hes showing at the moment...his immaturity shines through at times. Christ help the company if it were left to him to run the maintenance in a professional manner. I like him, but ....
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threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
Just heard a dedication being read out on kids TV, I'm sure she just said "mummy and daddy blew the dog...".
alans
black belt lounge lizard
- Location
- Staffordshire
Whilst riding the tandem yesterday.........
Man operating tree cutter at roadside : She's not pedalling at the back*
Me : She's doing more work than you.
all three of us,one with less sincerity than the others
* if I had £1 for each time I've heard the pedalling joke comment I'd have enough for another Brooks ti Swallow,with change.
Man operating tree cutter at roadside : She's not pedalling at the back*
Me : She's doing more work than you.
all three of us
,one with less sincerity than the others* if I had £1 for each time I've heard the pedalling
alans
black belt lounge lizard
- Location
- Staffordshire
again from yesterday's tandem ride,as we progressed along the canal towpath between Barlaston & Stone
A STWA engineer to me ;" bet you can't do a wheelie on that "
A STWA engineer to me ;" bet you can't do a wheelie on that "
gbb
Legendary Member
- Location
- Peterborough
I get a call over the radio..
'Colin ?..you busy ? (there's a slight mirth in her voice)
'Errrr, go ahead'
'I've got a lurrrvely job for you'
I already guess what this means...a toilet is blocked
I wander into the office to be met by two smirking faces....
'Ok, do i need my tools, gauntlets or a full body suit ? '
'Oh god, wait till you see it'
'Thats ok, im going to join 4 drain rods and clear it from a safe distance, i'll be 10 feet away' (i mimic rodding at arms length'
As i walk out the door and head towards my nemesis...one of them calls...
'Its a sh#t job, but someones gotta do It '
Ive done worse, It goes with the territory...no day Is ever the same.
'Colin ?..you busy ? (there's a slight mirth in her voice)
'Errrr, go ahead'
'I've got a lurrrvely job for you'
I already guess what this means...a toilet is blocked
I wander into the office to be met by two smirking faces....
'Ok, do i need my tools, gauntlets or a full body suit ? '
'Oh god, wait till you see it
''Thats ok, im going to join 4 drain rods and clear it from a safe distance, i'll be 10 feet away'
(i mimic rodding at arms length'As i walk out the door and head towards my nemesis...one of them calls...
'Its a sh#t job, but someones gotta do It
'Ive done worse, It goes with the territory...no day Is ever the same.
IDMark2
Dodgy Aerial
- Location
- On the Roof
Yesterday, after getting home after a three hour drive, MrsD and I were still um, bantering. Like an argument but only one of us is taking it that seriously. Anyway, tired, probably of everything, MrsD finally snapped after being with me all day and said:
'You always take it just that one sentence too far don't you? First answer, funny, second answer near the knuckle but the next one always makes me annoyed and want to hit you..' And with that she disappeared upstairs..
I shouted, 'Well, I never know if ANY words are TOO FAR when you're like this, I'm taking the dog out'
'FINE!'
Meanwhile, I grabbed a sheet of A4 out of the printer, got a pen, quickly wrote down four key phrases, cut them into individual strips, put them in my pocket and went out with the dog as planned.
When I got back the dastardly plan was ready.. MrsD now back in kitchen, calmer...
'Awww..did you have a nice walk?'
Pull paper out of pocket, say nothing, select a strip, turn it round 'Yes' it says.
'Oh, no.. you haven't got more of those have you?'
Grinning, select another bit of paper, turn it around 'Yes, I have' it says...
'Aww..stop it now..
Fumble, 'No'
Both collapsing with laughter now.. me internally pleading for a question to which I can use my last strip of paper..still saying nothing...
'Stop it right now, you can talk again now...' I can see she's looking at that last bit of paper too, trying to guess what it might say..'OK.. have you brought the dogs drinking bowl in from the car...?'
Success! 'No, I haven't' ... Four out of four and both hysterical...
Ahhh....you had to be there....
'You always take it just that one sentence too far don't you? First answer, funny, second answer near the knuckle but the next one always makes me annoyed and want to hit you..' And with that she disappeared upstairs..
I shouted, 'Well, I never know if ANY words are TOO FAR when you're like this, I'm taking the dog out'
'FINE!'
Meanwhile, I grabbed a sheet of A4 out of the printer, got a pen, quickly wrote down four key phrases, cut them into individual strips, put them in my pocket and went out with the dog as planned.
When I got back the dastardly plan was ready.. MrsD now back in kitchen, calmer...
'Awww..did you have a nice walk?'
Pull paper out of pocket, say nothing, select a strip, turn it round 'Yes' it says.
'Oh, no.. you haven't got more of those have you?'
Grinning, select another bit of paper, turn it around 'Yes, I have' it says...
'Aww..stop it now..
Fumble, 'No'
Both collapsing with laughter now.. me internally pleading for a question to which I can use my last strip of paper..still saying nothing...
'Stop it right now, you can talk again now...' I can see she's looking at that last bit of paper too, trying to guess what it might say..'OK.. have you brought the dogs drinking bowl in from the car...?'
Success! 'No, I haven't' ... Four out of four and both hysterical...
Ahhh....you had to be there....
jhawk
Veteran
- Location
- New Brunswick, Canada
Dad: "Say, if you have a camouflage cover for your mobile phone and you drop it in the woods... How are you supposed to find it?"
jhawk
Veteran
- Location
- New Brunswick, Canada
Sunday. Sitting in a restaurant - there is a man wearing hunting/camouflage clothing that we notice hasn't been served yet.
Friend of ours: "How come buddy over there in the camouflage hasn't been served yet?"
Dad, quick as ever. "Cause nobody's seen him!"
Friend of ours: "How come buddy over there in the camouflage hasn't been served yet?"
Dad, quick as ever. "Cause nobody's seen him!"
IDMark2
Dodgy Aerial
- Location
- On the Roof
My son is deeply into camouflage kit... for his eighth birthday I told him that I had bought him a new tent, it was camouflage and I had put it up in the woods next to our house to 'air out'... all he had to was find it. Hour and a half he was out there before he came in admitting defeat and I gave him his pressie still wrapped up.... I am an evil man. 
i hate hills
Its my day to be brilliant
Evil yes .....but a comic genius with it....My son is deeply into camouflage kit... for his eighth birthday I told him that I had bought him a new tent, it was camouflage and I had put it up in the woods next to our house to 'air out'... all he had to was find it. Hour and a half he was out there before he came in admitting defeat and I gave him his pressie still wrapped up.... I am an evil man.
gbb
Legendary Member
- Location
- Peterborough
Me..to a driver behind me...
'Turn ya bl00dy lights off will ya
'
Sat in slow moving traffic for 5 minutes..with a new type Mini behind me with 6, yes 6 blazing lights on the front of it.
I flashed my rear fogs, i pointed out my window to 'his' lights, then reached the exit and away from the lights that were frankly, giving me a headache...only for it to follow.
Damn It, just drive and get away, im nearly home. Up to a R/A..its now behind me again with several cars behind it.
Stop at the R/A..out the car, walk to the Mini, point to the lights?.
'turn ya bl00dy lights off will ya'
At which point i realised its a woman, who apologetically put her hand up and immediately switched her lights off. Shame she didnt think to do that until forced I thought..difficult to Imagine she couldnt know, they were the brightest things Ive seen In a long time.
4 hours later..ive still got a mini headache .
'Turn ya bl00dy lights off will ya
'Sat in slow moving traffic for 5 minutes..with a new type Mini behind me with 6, yes 6 blazing lights on the front of it.
I flashed my rear fogs, i pointed out my window to 'his' lights, then reached the exit and away from the lights that were frankly, giving me a headache...only for it to follow.
Damn It, just drive and get away, im nearly home. Up to a R/A..its now behind me again with several cars behind it.
Stop at the R/A..out the car, walk to the Mini, point to the lights?.
'turn ya bl00dy lights off will ya
'At which point i realised its a woman, who apologetically put her hand up and immediately switched her lights off. Shame she didnt think to do that until forced I thought..difficult to Imagine she couldnt know, they were the brightest things Ive seen In a long time.
4 hours later..ive still got a mini headache .
