a thought about depression

[stuee147]

there is a lot of igronace and a lot of misconceptions about deression it is an illness and a very serious one anwy iv found a bit of wrighting done in some of the lowest times of a suffera of deppresion and i think it somes up just how it can feel.
i have coppied and pasted as it was written the badley spelt words seem to show the emotions that were felt as it was written and thats why i havent changed it in anyway.
i will warn you thow it can be a bit hard reading at time not just because of the spelling but the emotion and subject its self and i hope it dosent offend anyone and moderators im sorry if you feel this isnt right for this site and i appoligize now.

stuee


lost all motervation to do things then me being me when i do manage to motevate myself i cant do what i want to do because its to late or to dark to do it so i get pissed off at myself for not doing it sooner this then gets me more down then when its light or its during the day when i dont need to worry if i make a bit of noise im so low i cant get motivated to do it again and it just gose on like that again and again. i know its happening but its like im powerless to stop it i can see it happening and know when its happening but i still cant get out of the cycle ahhhhhhhh.
iv had a couple of good days where i did manage to get out and do things but it was only a couple and they didnt last all day it feels like it will never change i know it will at some point but im rellay haveing troble holding onto that thought i just cant see any point to anything any more
i dont know how to explane it very well i cant seem to find a reason to do anything and i do mean literly anything even getting a drink of water or going to the loo i just cant be bothered anymore why should i do anything i cant see the point, or reason in doing anything i dont want to do anything apart from get drunk and stoned so i go numb and let the days blure into nothingness im just waiting for time to pass untill i can die. i want to die but i really cant be arsed to kill myself iv sharpend all my knives and when im at dalry im never more than 10 steps away from a nice sharp blade wether its one iv shapened or a razor blade im never more than 10 steps away even if im in the bloody garden there are blade close by hidden so only i know where they are and iv even counted my saved tablets so far its 136 tablets in store thats not including the 40+ tabblets iv got that im ment to take daily iv not been to bad at taking them i have missed a few so they have been added to the store box. most of which are priscrition drugs i have a lot of zydol in there and a the rest is made up of things like sumertriptine, matazapine, amatryptoline, half ideral and lanzaprozole thers even 4 disolverbal asprin that should hel rip my stomoch lining away so the other tablets can take affect a bit quicker but i just cant seem to do it myself iv even thought if i take all my tabs the 136 iv got in my stores and the 40+ iv got for daily used and even the
30 or so i have of paracetomole all that combined with some drink and some nice deep cuts so i can bleed out then this time i will actuly manage it and there no way i could suvive surely !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i just cant do it im not sure why because the feeling of wanting to is so strong i cant belive it myself i cant remember a wanting so strong before. yet i still cant do it and i dont even know why i cant do it i have theroys but im not sure if they are right or not i would love to say it because i dont want to because i want to be here for my kids but to be honest i really dont think it is because of them and it hurts that i dont feel that way its how i should feel they should be the ones that keep me going i do think that they are part of the reason iv not killed myself yet but i dont think they are the only or ven main reason (even though they should be) another possible reason is that who would find me or more to the point when would i be found. i dont want to be found weeks latter when iv started to rot away i want to be found a few hours after iv died that way i dont leave a mess that would be hard work to shift (and cause problems for someone else ) and i dont know its funny it just seems wrong to be there for to long after i die, but who would find me there isnt anyone noone visits noone has daily contact with me i might not even get found untill the letting agent comes round for the 6mounth house inspection unless i smell the place out before then and te nebours complain i dose make me wonder if and when i would be found i do feel that this one could be a strong reason
then there is the reason of i really just cant be bothered whats the point of taking the tablets and/or cutting myself i mean really why bother it something i do think of alot i really want to kill myself i cant see the point of carrying on but then at the same time i really cant be bothered or see the point in killing myself its a confuseing one as i cant see the point in doning it but i cant see the point in not doing it either what the hell it dosent make sense.

 

[stuee147]

i know most folk would say its the drink and/or smoke thats making me feel this way or at least partly feel this way, maybe they are right but i
dont think so i started drinking and smoking more because of these feelings its the only thing that helps me forget or least not feel the feelings yea maybe the feelings are a bit worse due to the drink and drugs but i would rather they are a little worse when i soberup and come down from a drug high but i would rather that at least this way i do get a bit of time were i dont feel anyting and can be at peace then have it hard atleast that way i can just have another drink and a couple of smokes and go back to not bothering again its a lot better than feeling feelings all the time
i used to be happy as a kid/teen i didnt feel it was that simple. back then i had become so accustome to hiding my feelings so my mother couldnt use them against me that i had managed to hide them even from myself it didnt matter what feelings weateher it be the feeling of hot or cold or pain but also things like love, sadness, lonelyness, hate, bordoom, even things like fear and scared i had it down to a real fine art back then i knew first hand if you didnt feel it then it couldent hurt i think it was one of my eirliest defence meconisums i dont mean hurt as in the sense of a cut or broken bone hurt i mean the deep inside your body in your heart type of hurt thats the worse type of all so i just swiched it off i dont know how i did it or even when i stared doing it all i remember was the peacefullness and calmness i was able enjoy as a kid simply by just not feeling. yes now and then it did come out not that many time but yes the feelings did breakthrew now and then they never lasted long but they did hit hard and it took alot of effort and strenghth and a good hour or two for me to get it back under control but i always did and after i would have the best sleeps ever i would be so fisicaly and mentaly excausted that i would just lay down and sleep more or less where ever i was at the time in a building or out in the fields or woods that where i normaly ended up if the feelings hit i would try to head for the nearest woodlands the sight and smell of the woods would always help get myself calmed down and thinking straight again but anywhere away form everyone and everything.
i think i liked the woods so much because it was easy to hide behind a tree, up a tree or even in a tree loads of places to hide and just as many escape routs incase anyone came around i could diserpear in the woods and it didnt matter who or how many would come looking i was always able to stay hidden as long as i wanted i had several favoraite hiding places that i had set up ranging from a few hundred yards to a few miles from where i lived with my mother. and i never ever told or showed anyone the good spots they were well built/hidden places that i was able to lay up in without a worry of being found. most were in trees way way up in the highest trees hidden away from site i even had a couple of places underground to that were never found i used to spend a lot of time in them places it was the only places i could really relax and sleep without the fear of being woken up by a smake acrose my body by a sliper or anyother hard object that my mother had to hand at the time. she was never worried or even bothered if i was in my bed or even in the house at night the only thing that pissed her off was her punch bag wasnt there for her when she wanted it.
but since iv been getting "help" with my depression and selfharm i dont know i seem to have lost the abbility to hide myfeelings tomyself and also a little bit to others to every now and then i can find myself unable to hide my feelings for other folk not often luckely but it s happening im normaly able to get it back under control quite quick but it leaves me open and its very easy for it to start letting the feelings out againg very easily. sofar its only realy been sadness thats got out and one episode of anger but it scares the shoot out of me that they are getting out at all and that it has done it so quick before i even realise im feeling it. i scares me as i dont know how i would/will react or what might come out.
since i been getting "help" i keep getting told to feel and understand my feelings and try to accept them but i dont know its like when you start trying to learn a new language you hear it and you think you know what it is/means but your not entily sure and you dont really want to try it out (or show it) incase you have it wrong and instead of asking for a drink you
ask for sex with a pig or something as bad thats sort of what i feel about my feelings i know im hurting inside but im not sure with what am i sad, lonely, hurt, heartbroken or something iv not been told of or is it all of them or is it something compleatly different i know the definition of hundreds of feelings but to be honest i dont really know what any of them really deeply fell like some time i think i know what im feeling but then im not sure i can only really manage to identify 2 types of feeling good ones and bad ones i really do feel like i can diffiretuate them any more than that im only sure of them being either good or bad with vairiing degrees of both.
to be honest i dont really want to feel i want to be like i was as a kid able to hide it all atleast i was clam and at peace with myself that way i keept myself to myself i knew if i wanted/needed something i had to put the work in to get it noone was going to give me anything so why bother waiting if i had it that was great if i didnt i either workied to get it or i went without it was that simple none of this feelings crap to get in the way

 

[gbb]

Stuee...not sure if you are talking about yourself or is this about another.
I think we've moved on from the misconceptions and ignorance about depression these days...most of us will or have suffered at some time, most of us will empathise and know those feelings, although they are extreme compared to my experiences..
Doctors without doubt. When I suffered, I put up with it for what seemed like years. Eventually went...got tablets and honest to God, I felt better within 2 weeks. I felt stupid for putting up with it so long, such a waste to have felt so black for so long.
They dont solve the problems, but they can help a person lift themselves out the mire, to get another perspective...just to get a lift.
Shortly after, i remember watching TV and laughing out loud at something and it struck me, I hadnt laughed in maybe a couple years.

Doctors, without fail.
My thoughts to you or whoever it relates to.