Advice for a quote

[magnatom]

Hi Guys,

As you may know I am about to become famous . Well not really. However, I've got First Bus (Glasgow) to take part in the Give Cyclists Room campaign (i.e. stickers in the cabs.

They want to put out a press release and I was wondering if you could help me write it.

I need to get it back to them today so let me know what you think of this

I am pleased that First Bus is taking part in the campaign, whilst raising awareness of cyclist issues among its drivers. I should stress that the majority of my, and other responsible cyclists interactions with buses are positive, and I commend bus drivers on their patience and understanding when they interact with cyclists. However, when conflict does occur with a bus it can be very serious due to the nature and size of the vehicles. It is therefore worthwhile to remind drivers of the issue whilst also stressing that cyclists should cycle lawfully and responsibly.

Serious comments only please!

 

[alfablue]

That is very succinct and makes the necessary points effectively, I was thinking the terminology might be a little "cold" ("commend" "interactions") but I am at a loss to think of any better terms. And well done for getting this far, fantastic effort, hopefully a model that other bus companies will want to follow - could be the start of something BIG! Next task, WVMen!!!

Then taxis, then HGVs, then 4x4 drivers, then....

 

[Cab]

Hi Guys,

As you may know I am about to become famous . Well not really. However, I've got First Bus (Glasgow) to take part in the Give Cyclists Room campaign (i.e. stickers in the cabs.

They want to put out a press release and I was wondering if you could help me write it.

I need to get it back to them today so let me know what you think of this

I am pleased that First Bus is taking part in the campaign, whilst raising awareness of cyclist issues among its drivers. I should stress that the majority of my, and other responsible cyclists interactions with buses are positive, and I commend bus drivers on their patience and understanding when they interact with cyclists. However, when conflict does occur with a bus it can be very serious due to the nature and size of the vehicles. It is therefore worthwhile to remind drivers of the issue whilst also stressing that cyclists should cycle lawfully and responsibly.

Serious comments only please!

Isn't very snappy.

How about:

I am delighted that First Bus is taking part in the campaign, whilst raising awareness of cycling issues among its drivers. Most bus drivers are conscientious drivers who show consideration towards other road users, but, when conflict does occur between a bus and a cyclist it can be very serious due to the nature and size of the vehicles. It is therefore worthwhile to remind drivers of the issue whilst also stressing that cyclists should cycle lawfully and responsibly.

 

[magnatom]

Isn't very snappy.

How about:

I am delighted that First Bus is taking part in the campaign, whilst raising awareness of cycling issues among its drivers. Most bus drivers are conscientious drivers who show consideration towards other road users, but, when conflict does occur between a bus and a cyclist it can be very serious due to the nature and size of the vehicles. It is therefore worthwhile to remind drivers of the issue whilst also stressing that cyclists should cycle lawfully and responsibly.

Thats a great revision Cab. Thanks for that. I knew it was a bit wordy and dry but I have been misquoted before (long story) and so I am probably to careful about the language I use.

 

[Bug]

I am pleased that First Bus is taking part in the campaign, whilst raising awareness of cyclist issues among its drivers. I should stress that the majority of my, and other responsible cyclists interactions with buses are positive, and I commend bus drivers on their patience and understanding when they interact with cyclists. However, when conflict does occur with a bus it can be very serious due to the nature and size of the vehicles. It is therefore worthwhile to remind drivers of the issue whilst also stressing that cyclists should cycle lawfully and responsibly.

I'm no copy writer, but I'd make it a little snappier. I would also end on the crux of the message, rather than finishing on the cyclist's responsibility. This is my attempt, which may or may not be better:

I am delighted that First Bus is taking part in the campaign, raising awareness of cyclist issues among its drivers. Although most bus drivers are courteous, patient and understanding when they encounter cyclists, it is always worthwhile to remind drivers that conflicts between buses and cyclists can be very serious and even fatal.

 

[Amanda P]

Press Releases are usually written something like this:

GIVE CYCLISTS ROOM ON GLASGOW'S STREETS

First Bus Glasgow is to take part in a campaign encouraging its drivers to take a responsible attitude towards cyclists on the city's roads. Measures include the company putting "Give Cyclists Room" stickers in the bus cabs.

Magnatom, a regular cyclist around Glasgow and (list all your other epic achievements and claims to fame here) said:

"I'm delighted that First Bus is taking part in the campaign: this will raise awareness of the care needed when large vehicles encounter cyclists. Most bus drivers are conscientious professionals who are considerate to other road users, but when buses and bikes do come into conflict the outcome can be very serious. It's worth reminding drivers of the dangers, but of course cyclists must behave lawfully and responsibly too.

As a regular, and, I hope, responsible Glasgow cyclist, I regularly see examples of the best and the worst behaviour by both bus drivers and cyclists. Have a look at my YouTube clips for some examples."If you have any still photos, maybe captured from your YouTube clips, add them to the release. Journos are lazy and if you save them a browse through their photo library, chances are they'll use your pic if it's clear and fits the story

(Just tidying up some dangling clauses and odd constructions. "Show... towards" only occurs in press-speak, not English. "Most bus drivers are... drivers" - too many drivers in one sentence. "Worthwhile... to remind", well usually you'd say "it's worthwhile reminding...".)

Background Information:

Add links/concise info about the Give Cyclists Room campaign, including a copy of the sticker if at all possible - you want it in the paper don't you?

Add concise info about CycleCraft?

Add concise info about Magnatom's YouTube activities?

There you go, pick and choose as you will from that lot. Take a look at http://www.pressbox.co.uk/contpr1.htm for advice on press releases. Don't miss the opportunities to give them extra info/propaganda. They might cut it all out or not use it, but they certainly won't put it in if you don't give it them to use!

 

[alfablue]

Wow - Uncle Phil - what a difference a professional makes!

 

[magnatom]

Thanks Guys!! I've sent that little bit off already, but they have said that they will get back to me with the full article for my approval, so Uncle Phil your advice will come in handy!

 

[Amanda P]

Wow - Uncle Phil - what a difference a professional makes!

 

[magnatom]

Wow - Uncle Phil - what a difference a professional makes!

Wait a minute.... should I be taking this as an insult......

 

[Amanda P]

Wow - Uncle Phil - what a difference a professional makes!

Magnatom won't be saying that when he gets my bill...

 

[bonj2]

mangatom - not suggesting for one minute that you shouldn't be, but how have you managed to elevate yourself to the lofty heady heights of the position of chief of cycling in glasgow?

ever thought of using this as a platform to launch a profitable business opportunity, 'cycling consultancy services'?

 

[magnatom]

mangatom - not suggesting for one minute that you shouldn't be, but how have you managed to elevate yourself to the lofty heady heights of the position of chief of cycling in glasgow?

ever thought of using this as a platform to launch a profitable business opportunity, 'cycling consultancy services'?

Don't be daft! There are some active campaigning groups in Glasgow and the surrounding areas who do far more work and are better at it than I am. I'm just chipping away at my own wee bit. If we all chip away maybe one day attitudes will change.

I don't have time to to launch such a business anyway, although if anyone else wants to I'll happily do a Carol Vorderman type advert for you for a large fee....

(Oh and I'm male just in case the last comment confuses anyone, just go to the cyclecafe picture thread to see my large ball )