So we return to the latest of “The Races”. Following on from Episode 1:
The Ascension Island Socialist Worker’s Party (AISWP) are currently in a running battle against just about everyone…
Comrade Pratt has just decided the Cause of the Workers is best served by reversing into the 40 Elephant Gang’s truck.
Charles Vane has managed to get around this battle and is racing after the other two competitors:
It seems they will outpace him easily, but Moggerington-Smythe and Skerrit have to take a card on this turn. It turns out to be “Engine Fire”.
“Skerrit?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Remember that you said the engine might catch fire if I didn’t fix it, and I told you not to be pessimistic?”
“Oh dear…”
“Quite, please accept my apologies, and jump out and see what you can do, there’s a good chap. I’ll look for a fire extinguisher.”
“Very good sir…”
The Limpton sisters accelerated away as Skerrit beat the fire with an old coat.
Comrade Beadrsworth, the gunner on the AISWP, was trying to get as far away from the large gun on the other van as he could. To this end he was practically trying to climb out of the front of the vehicle, causing Comrade Pratt to crash.
“Why have you abandoned your post?”
“They’re shooting that massive great gun at me”
“The road to revolution is paved by the blood of the Martyrs, Comrade”
“Assume I don’t want it to be my blood just yet, okay?”
Mary lined up the experimental gun, aimed, and pressed the trigger…
The gun fired for two seconds, then made a noise like an elephant inhaling a vacuum cleaner. I’d pulled the “Guns Jammed” card, so the Socialists were safe for this turn…
“Fire’s out sir” Reported Skirret. as Moggerington-Smythe ran out of the crowd.
Moggerington-Smythe looked at the now superfluous extinguisher in his hand and then at a man in the crowd.
“Excuse me?”
“Yes?” Said the startled bystander
“Catch!”
He leapt on board and started the engine.
“Let’s go!” He pressed the accelerator to the floor while waving to the crowd…
“Look out, sir!”
Charles vane’s furious face peered over his now quite tilted car.
“Scoundrels! Road Hogs! I’ll report you to the race marshals, you see if I don’t!”
Moggerington-Smythe accelerated, pushing past the lighter Bugatti. There was a sound of twin Lewis Guns firing from the rear and Vane was briefly silent as he ducked under the side of the car.
“Any luck?” Called Moggerington-Smythe.
“There appears to be a small wisp of smoke coming from his engine, sir, unfortunately no physical damage is visible”
“Never mind; every little helps, Skerrit; every little helps…”
“Why aren’t you shooting at them?” Shouted Jim into the back of the 40 Elephants’ van.
“It won’t work!” Mary demonstrated by pressing the electronic trigger again: there was a whirring noise that was possibly terminal, a loud bang from the roof, and silence.
Jim looked towards Col. Lawrence. The Colonel made his opinion clear using a surprisingly wide range of gestures.
Jim looked forward. This was it then: it all depended on him. Just like it always did.
“Hold tight.” He called back, forcing the van into gear and driving towards his target…
Comrade Beardworth emerged from the back of the van to see the 40 Elephants gang charging towards them. He banged on the side frantically.
“Colin! Get out… quickly”
This service to the revolution rendered, he ran.
Jim didn’t see or hear anything any more: all he was aware of was the need; the need… he thought for a moment… for speed… Mary was shouting at him from a long way off, he ignored her. A tyre burst on a pothole, causing the steering to wobble: he merely gripped the wheel tighter and accelerated… His entire world consisted of that tiny slit in the van’s armour, giving a view of the AISWP truck, getting bigger, and bigger…
He saw Comrade Pratt scramble out of the broken windscreen, the side of the truck filled the whole of his vision; he remembered that he didn’t have a seatbelt, and braced for impact…
Wham…
The AISWP truck lurched sideways into a building, the 40 Elephants truck engine whirred briefly, and stalled. There was silence…
Meanwhile, at the distant end of the course…
“Should you have given that extinguisher away, sir?”
“”The engine seems to be working Skirret, we’re doing fully eighteen miles an hour.”
“I admire your optimism, sir…”
“I know you do. Hold tight, Those delightful ladies are about to try and ram us.”
The Limpton sisters passed Moggerington-Smythe.
“Take a shot at them” Shouted Jicama to her sister, “Then hold on: I’ve got a secret fuel from Charles…!”
“Oh dear” said Romaneque.
Suddenly everything became a blur. Romaneque was thrown onto the floor of the car.
“What… are you… doing?” she screamed, as they charged down the road.
“Sp-ee-e-ccc-c-ial… M-ii-i-xxt-uu-u-re!” Shouted her sister in return, gripping the wheel. “We’re way… ahe-a-aa-d… n-o-oo…ww...”
There was a loud bang, both sides of the engine burst sideways with a cloud of sooty smoke, and the steering stopped working.
“My word” Said Moggerington Smythe, peering into the distance. “I do believe I scored a hit.”
Skirret stepped forward to look over his shoulders. Some way ahead the sisters were climbing out of the remains of their Bentley.
“My word sir, I believe you have.” he responded.
“Now all we need is…”
“There was another, louder bang, and the Rolls Royce lifted into the air, bouncing hard on the landing.
Skerrit fought his way to the rear and peered over the machine guns.
“Mr. Vane appears to have fired on us, sir!”
“Hoisted on my own Petard, eh Skirret?”
“It happens sir” There was a prolonged burst of machine gun fire. “However, I can report that Mr Vane’s vehicle also seems to be smoking profusely, and even appears to be stopping.”
“Well, that is most gratifying, Skirret, Our car, on the other hand appears to still be moving, and I can steer…”
“We are still in the race then…”
“Indeed, and… Oh dear.”
“Is there a problem, sir?”
“It seems our brakes are not working…”
Charles Vane's Bugatti rolled to a noisy stop with one wobbly wheel and a great deal of smoke. He stood up in the driving seat.
“You bounders!” he shouted “You… cheating scoundrels! I’ll have the race committee on you. I’ll write to the authorities. I’ll sue you through the courts… I’ll…”
Then he saw Jiacama and Romaneque looking at their damaged car. He jumped out of his vehicle and sauntered over to the sisters, straightening his moustache.
“Can I help you ladies?”
Romaneque turned. “You can explain what was in that ‘Secret fuel’ you sold us!”
“Oh,” said Vane awkwardly. “Ah, yes. Um…”
“Um what?” Began Romanesque, but was nudged by her sister
“Hello Charles…” smiled Jicama. Romaneque rolled her eyes.
“Seriously?” she asked. “He just…”
“Shutup, shutup, shutup…” muttered Jicama, smiling at Vane.
Romaneque gave up and walked towards the finish line.
“Well done on that checkpoint!”
“Very kind of you Skirret. I’ve also found there is a little bit of a response on the brake if I stamp on the pedal. We are slowing down…”
“That is most encouraging sir, However, will we slow soon enough to avoid the large truck in the roadway?”
“Er… hopefully” Moggerington-Smythe was stamping on the brake, which was causing the car to lurch in a manner never conceived by Rolls-Royce.
“Nearly there… Skirret”
“So I can see sir” came Skirret’s muffled voice from the back of the car.
Then there was a thud, and silence…
“There! said Moggerington-Smythe, arms outstretched. “All’s well, that ends well!”
“That was a bourgeois act of repression!” Comrade Beardsworth stalked towards them, a one-man proletariat uprising.
“What?” Asked Moggerington-Smythe, helping Skirret out of the back of the Rolls.
“Your use of our vehicle to stop you, I demand reparations for your treatment of the property of the working classes!”
Moggerington-Smythe and Skirret looked at Beardsworth for a moment, then each other, then back again. Moggerington-Smythe patted the activist on the shoulder.
“Would it help if I buy you a drink?”
“We stopped ’em didn’t we?”
Alice Diamond, leader of the 40 Elephants group, was watching Col. Lawrence inspect the remains of the van, which had gained even more dents than previously.
“Oh, yes,” said Lawrence. “Eventually.”
“You said nuffink about how fast we was to do it!”
“But I did expect you to do it without sacrificing my vehicle.” Lawrence climbed down and slammed the drivers door shut. The passenger door fell out. He shook his head.
“I’m afraid I can only pay half of what we agreed.” he concluded
“But…”
“I will have to get this vehicle repaired which will incur considerable costs and delay” If you manage to do better next time, maybe I will be able to pay a small bonus.”
“You said…”
“Good day to you…”
He walked off to his waiting car.
