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Another joke

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by Peter, 12 Jan 2008.

  1. Peter

    Peter Senior Member

    You know when you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

    I politely said, "This is Peter. Could I please speak with Ryan Smith?"

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f *** ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Ryan's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an peanut!" and hung up.

    I wrote his number down with the word 'peanut' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

    Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an peanut!" It always cheered me up.

    Then Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'peanut' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?"

    He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an peanut!" and hung up.

    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first peanut (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW peanut, too.

    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

    He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 165 Oaklands Avenue, Welwyn. It's a yellow bungalow, and the car's parked right out in front."

    I asked, "What's your name?"

    He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

    I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

    I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

    He said, "Yes?"

    I said, "Don, you're an peanut!"

    Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two peanuts to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called peanut #1.

    He said, "Hello."

    I said, "You're an peanut!" (But I didn't hang up.)

    He asked, "Are you still there?"

    I said, "Yeah."

    He screamed, "Stop calling me."

    I said, "Make me."

    He asked, "Who are you?"

    I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

    He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

    I said, "peanut, I live at 165 Oaklands Avenue, Welwyn, a yellow bungalow, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, peanut," and hung up.

    Then I called peanut #2. He said, "Hello?"

    I said, "Hello, peanut."

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    I said, "You'll what?"

    I exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!" I answered, "Well, peanut, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 165 Oaklands Avenue, Welwyn, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

    Then I called BBC News about the gang war going down in Oaklands Avenue, Welwyn.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Oaklands Avenue.

    I got there just in time to watch two peanuts beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
     
  2. Frazer

    Frazer New Member

    Haha, thats great. Seriously, I think I might get myself an peanut number now...
     
  3. Peter

    Peter Senior Member

    CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"


    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I
    real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
    work."

    The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today When I
    feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That
    makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say
    and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."
     
  4. Keith Oates

    Keith Oates Janner

    Location:
    Penarth, Wales
    Like it:biggrin:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  5. fossyant

    fossyant Ride It Like You Stole It!

    Location:
    South Manchester
    Ha..ha.. Great ! :wacko::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
     
  6. girofan

    girofan New Member

    :wacko::thumbsup::blush: Peter. You're a sicko! :ohmy::biggrin::biggrin:
     
  7. Dave5N

    Dave5N Über Member

    AHa. Big mistake pal. I know who you are now. ANd you won't even see me coming 'cos I sold the Beamer anyway.

    Start looking over your shoulder, mate. But you wan't see me 'til it's too late.
     
  8. Peter

    Peter Senior Member

    I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
    as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
    happened to me at Tesco in Camberley and it could happen to you. Here's
    how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as
    you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your
    windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling
    out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you
    thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a
    ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the
    way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over
    into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one
    steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday,
    twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and probably
    tonight.
     
  9. Dave5N

    Dave5N Über Member

    I've warned them about that!
     
  10. col

    col Veteran

    Mmm time for some investigative reporting?:blush:
     
  11. Peter

    Peter Senior Member

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

    The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
    the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
    kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
    in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
    Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
    The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very
    fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
    and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
    across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening,
    to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
    brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
    She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
    The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
    a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
    "What is your last request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE." The
    Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
    square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time


    .......... . BRING POSSE!!!!
     
  12. Pete

    Pete Guest

    Ah well, :blush:, another old one:
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped for the night in a town. When they arrived Lone Ranger was thirsty after his long dusty journey so he said to Tonto "How about blowing the froth off a couple of beers at the saloon?"
    "Kemo Sabe have you forgotten that drinking alcohol is not allowed where I come from!" replied Tonto.

    "Oh right..." said Lone Ranger "Tell you what...you go and have a run down the store and collect some supplies, then run down to the stables and book the horses in for the night, then run down to the gunsmiths and see if they have any silver bullets"

    Later, Lone Ranger had drunk 6 pints of beer and a bottle of whiskey when suddenly the sheriff burst into the saloon and shouted.
    "Hey You!"
    "Who me?" replied Lone Ranger.
    "Yeh you....just thought i'd better let you know....."

    "You left your injun running!!!!"
     
  13. Peter

    Peter Senior Member