Any good jokes ... ?

cisamcgu

Guru
Location
Merseyside-ish
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.
 

Angelfishsolo

A Velocipedian
LMAO :smile:
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white. <BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">
 

goo_mason

Champion barbed-wire hurdler
Location
Leith, Edinburgh
Not so much a joke, but a recent line from Milton Jones on the radio:

"I like my tea like my women - large, black and with a penguin". :biggrin:
 
A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says "Are you a piece of string, because we don't serve string in here?" "No, I'm a frayed knot" came the reply.

or the ISIHAC excerpt heard on the BBC yesterday:

Samantha made her usual trip down to the gramophone library earlier, where there was a bit of a buzz about the release of her latest cookery film. Samantha says the archivists were all very excited about watching her new dinner video.
 

martint235

Dog on a bike
Location
Welling
A duck walks into a bar. "I'll have a slice of bread please?". "This is a pub, you want the bakery next door" says the barman. The duck walks out. The next day the duck walks back in to the bar, "I'll have a slice of bread please". "I told you yesterday", says the barman, "we're a pub. You want the bakery next door". The duck walks out again. The next day, back comes the duck "I'll have a slice of bread please". "Look I've had enough of this" says the barman, "If you come in here one more time asking for bread I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the bar".

The next day the duck walks into the bar "Have you got any nails?" "No" says the barman. "I'll have a slice of bread please then." says the duck
 

Melonfish

Evil Genius in training.
Location
Warrington, UK
I once bought a car from Bonnie Tyler,
it runs OK, but every now and then it falls apart.

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.
She thinks I'm digging a pond.

guy takes his goldfish to the vet and says i think my goldfish is epileptic
vet takes a look.. seems fine to me..
he replies i haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.
 
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