Any good jokes ... ?

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by cisamcgu, 31 May 2011.

  1. cisamcgu

    cisamcgu Guru

    Location:
    Merseyside-ish
    Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

    "Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

    "Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
    Archie nods approvingly.
    I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

    "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

    "Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.
     
    ozboz, Grant Fondo, Threevok and 14 others like this.
  2. Angelfishsolo

    Angelfishsolo A Velocipedian

    LMAO :smile:
     
  3. XmisterIS

    XmisterIS Purveyor of fine nonsense

  4. CharlieB

    CharlieB Junior Walker and the Allstars

    Location:
    Redkiteland
    People said I had a Phil Collins obsession. I'm over it, though. Take a look at me now.



    I'm getting angry about people making all these fat jokes about Adele. Hasn't she got enough on her plate?











    IGMC
     
    Nigel-YZ1, Threevok, So-Cycle and 3 others like this.
  5. User482

    User482 Guest

    What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?




    One's a marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.
     
    ozboz, Threevok, Herbie and 6 others like this.
  6. wiggydiggy

    wiggydiggy Über Member

    Whats got two legs and bleeds a lot?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .


    Half a dog
     
  7. Apparently Viagra is now available in the form of eye drops................

    Your don't get an erection but you certainly look hard :biggrin:
     
    ozboz, Cuchilo, Bianchi boy and 8 others like this.
  8. Archie_tect

    Archie_tect De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold

    Location:
    Northumberland
    At the battle of the Litttle Bighorn Custer sent out Geordie to scout for information.
    Three days later Geordie returned.
    Custer asked if he'd seen anything, Geordie said no, but he'd heard a load of banging.
    "Like war drums?" Custer asked, looking worried. Geordie replied "Nah, theirs"
     
    ozboz, Cuchilo, Turbo Rider and 3 others like this.
  9. goo_mason

    goo_mason Champion barbed-wire hurdler

    Location:
    Leith, Edinburgh
    Not so much a joke, but a recent line from Milton Jones on the radio:

    "I like my tea like my women - large, black and with a penguin". :biggrin:
     
  10. Red Light

    Red Light Guest

    A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says "Are you a piece of string, because we don't serve string in here?" "No, I'm a frayed knot" came the reply.

    or the ISIHAC excerpt heard on the BBC yesterday:

    Samantha made her usual trip down to the gramophone library earlier, where there was a bit of a buzz about the release of her latest cookery film. Samantha says the archivists were all very excited about watching her new dinner video.
     
  11. What do we want?

    A CURE FOR TOURETTE'S!

    When do we want it?

    TWATS!!
     
    JennyWr3n, Cuchilo, Cavalol and 7 others like this.
  12. martint235

    martint235 Dog on a bike

    Location:
    Welling
    A duck walks into a bar. "I'll have a slice of bread please?". "This is a pub, you want the bakery next door" says the barman. The duck walks out. The next day the duck walks back in to the bar, "I'll have a slice of bread please". "I told you yesterday", says the barman, "we're a pub. You want the bakery next door". The duck walks out again. The next day, back comes the duck "I'll have a slice of bread please". "Look I've had enough of this" says the barman, "If you come in here one more time asking for bread I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the bar".

    The next day the duck walks into the bar "Have you got any nails?" "No" says the barman. "I'll have a slice of bread please then." says the duck
     
  13. Melonfish

    Melonfish Evil Genius in training.

    Location:
    Warrington, UK
    I once bought a car from Bonnie Tyler,
    it runs OK, but every now and then it falls apart.

    I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.
    She thinks I'm digging a pond.

    guy takes his goldfish to the vet and says i think my goldfish is epileptic
    vet takes a look.. seems fine to me..
    he replies i haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.
     
    Threevok, r04DiE, Cuchilo and 5 others like this.
  14. Smokin Joe

    Smokin Joe Legendary Member

    The BBC are reporting that Gaddafi has slipped into Jordan.

    Is there no-one that Katie Price won't shag?
     
  15. Tottenham called it rioting,

    Manchester called it looting,

    Liverpool called it.........Tuesday :whistle:
     
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