Any good jokes ... ?

wildjetskier

Active Member
Location
Ascot
A classic


A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
 

Smokin Joe

Legendary Member
Mick goes to confession. "Bless me father for I have sinned, that car I sold you last week father, The big ends were shot so I retarded the ignition and the gearbox was whining so I put sawdust in the oil".


Patrick goes to confession. Bless me father for I have sinned, I've had sex with one of the married women in the village after the dance last week".

The priest says, "Was it that jezebel Mary Riley?"

"No father", says Patrick.

"Was it that shameless hussy Katie Reardon?"

"No father, it wasn't her either"

"Then was it that immoral slut Margaret Kelly?"

Patrick replies, "No father it was none of those, but thanks for the tips".
 
A bloke is walking along the beach at Blackpool and finds a rusty old lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie.

Master, you've released me from a thousand years captivity, your wish is my command. Well, said the bloke, I'm going on my holidays to the USA next week, I'm terrified of flying and suffer from aweful sea sickness so could you build me a bridge across the Atlantic so I can drive to America.

Master, replied the genie, that is way beyond my abilities, may I grant you another wish.

The bloke thought for a moment then said, Can you explain to me how women think.

How many lights do you want on your bridge replied the genie.
 
Last night, I reached out for my liquid viagra on the bedside table but drank some Tippex instead.

This morning I woke up with a huge correction.
 
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to
the lady at the
registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To
which she replied, "No,
it's regular porn, you sick bastard."



i tried one of those new stick deoderants this morning .. the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom ... i've had a hell of a job driving the Taxi all day


I Married a Devon Girl
The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on
the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.

The second man married a woman from sussex. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Devon Girl . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed
enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.



Classic use of the "F" word through time
10th - "Scattered f**king showers, my ar$e!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Jeez, look at all those f**king Indians?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does f**king look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f**k are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f**king clown could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word

..... "Aw c'mon. Who the f**k is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009



Simon
 

Titan yer tummy

The little yellow crayon! What's this all about?
The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill.




After his retirement, he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex- British Prime Minister would chose an Italian ship.




"There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship", said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first."
 

Doseone

Veteran
Location
Brecon
The day after the Costa Concordia sank my mate turned up at work with a black eye. He explained that the newsreader was just saying that "she was lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" and he happened to glance at his missus...........
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
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