Any good jokes ... ?

[Cubist]

Mrs Cube says she doesn't think a small penis should stop us having a good sex life.




















She may be right, but I just wish she didn't have one.

 

[Bayerd]

I went to see my Aunt Flora tonight in hospital. she's been there a while suffering from flu.


I can't believe she's not better...

 

[2PedalsTez]

My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and she asked what was I doing, apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the right answer

 

[PBancroft]

I phoned in sick to work the other day. "How sick are you?" my boss asked.

"Well, I'm in bed with my sister..."

Hmm... I can almost feel the tone being lowered.

 

[smokeysmoo]

Q: What has two wings and a halo?

A: A Japanese phone.







Wing, Wing! HALO?

 

[loadz]

TEXTING for over 40s,The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.
So here are some codes for the more mature...
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In!

 

[loadz]

Bob asks his doctor, "How can I live to be over 100?""Hmm," says the doctor. "Do you participate in dangerous sports?""No," say Bob."Do you smoke?""No.""Do you eat rich, fatty foods?""No.""Do you drink lots of alcohol?""No.""Do you take drugs?""No.""Do you have lots of sexual encounters?" "No.""Then why the hell do you want to live to be over 100?"

 

[loadz]

I found the wife dead in the washing machine. I'm absolutely gutted....but at least she died in Comfort.

I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs . If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me , I'd flippin stay at home!

Local police are hunting the 'Knitting-Needle Nutter' who's stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern!

 

[roadrash]

i see the new margaret thatcher film has been re-classified ...its now a PG ..as its unsuitable for miners

 

[Cubist]

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?



Half a dog.

 

[Cubist]

You know historically many surnames are derived from occupations or things they did. Fletchers made arrows, Carters were early hauliers, Baker, well, pretty obvious, same with Butcher. Apparently Cleveland has a lot of people called Dickinson................

 

[guitarpete247]

The Brown Paper Cowboy came into town. He had a brown paper stetson, brown paper shirt, brown paper coat, brown paper jeans, brown paper chaps and brown paper boots.




They lynched him for rustling.

 

[PBancroft]

You know historically many surnames are derived from occupations or things they did. Fletchers made arrows, Carters were early hauliers, Baker, well, pretty obvious, same with Butcher. Apparently Cleveland has a lot of people called Dickinson................

This isn't a joke, so apologies for derailing the thread, but did you know that Dickinson has the same etymological history as Richard? The name basically means Strong Ruler or similar, but was so popular became to mean everyman, which is why we ended up with our little Richards, or... *cough* and moving swiftly on if you know any Richard Dickinsons, their parents thought they were so great that they named them twice.

And back on topic, I once turned up on Dragon's Den with full armour and a broadsword. They looked just as confused as I was.

 

[loadz]

I was in Curry's earlier today and I asked my wife "What's your favourite tele tubby?"
She said "Tinky Winky." I rolled my eyes and replied
"No you fat git, which TV do you want?"

 

[loadz]

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill. They were goodyears...