Any good jokes ... ?

[loadz]

L'Oreal have announced a huge mens' hair products deal with Liverpools' Andy Carroll . Unfortunately the deal has fallen through because he couldn't stop laughing when he tried to say ..... "Because I'm worth it "

 

[Francesca]

Doctors are now prescribing a new drug to help lesbians with their sexual urges..its called Tricoxagen.

 

[Maz]

Bloke goes bungee jumping with his wife. He goes first and all is well. She goes second and cracks her skull on the ground and is taken to hospital. In the back of the ambulance, bloke says to her "That'll teach you to lie about your weight!"

 

[swee'pea99]

You know historically many surnames are derived from occupations or things they did. Fletchers made arrows, Carters were early hauliers, Baker, well, pretty obvious, same with Butcher. Apparently Cleveland has a lot of people called Dickinson................

Anyone in from Norfolk tonight? Hey - gimme six!

 

[guitarpete247]

Geordie lad starts school in Sunderland. When he gets home that afternoon his dad asks what it was like.

"Weel war dad. Them Makem boys are thick. I knowed more sums than them. Geography, they knew note loike. And in PE they've all got tiny willys. Not loike mine is that cos they're Makems?"

"No son it's cos your 38 and their teacher"

 

[loadz]

Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday.....

 

[Cubist]

"World War 2 is dis big ting where nuff man get killed. It start cos there's this white **********er called Hitler, and he killed bear Jews, for real, innit!"

I must say my son's history homework has suffered since Wiki went "gangsta"

 

[Cubist]

I can't remember whether I've got dyslexia or dyscalculia, it's definitely won of the three.

 

[Tarbo]

I remember my ex-missus saying "Get some of those pills that help you get an erection"
You should have seen her face when I tossed her the diet pills.


I got a letter from the doctor the other day which said:
"I think you must have daily sex".
I excitedly showed it to the Mrs, who soon pissed on my fireworks when she pointed out that it actually said:
"I think you must have dyslexia"

 

[gbb]

That guy Gavin from the Autoglass adverts just been filling the wifes crack with his special resin....

I'm not normally one to worry....but ive got the car !!!!!!

 

[sdr gb]

Today, I've felt calm, contented and cheerful. Tomorrow, I'm moving on to words beginning with D in my Learn Braille book.

 

[Gooner Mad Dog]

My missus & kids have just left me, she reckons am addicted to "horse racing" , in fact they're at the gate now, ......... and they're off!!

 

[loadz]

Today is 1-2-12 . . .a good day to test a microphone.

 

[Silver Fox]

I once bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav. It was rubbish, kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

I once bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav. It was rubbish, kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart.

I had one of them when I went abroad - got lost in France.