Any good jokes ... ?

[welsh dragon]

Sean Connery turned to his wife and said "a book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame".

 

[TVC]

I used to date the woman who is the voice of the speaking clock.

She was so in love with me, until I cheated on her.

Now she won't even give me the time of day.

 

[machew]

Roy Hodgson has just been made prime minister
He has a fantastic record of leaving Europe swiftly.

 

[Markymark]

Sean Connery turned to his wife and said "a book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame".

Sean Connery once asked a girlfriend to sit on his face. Never again...............

 

[welsh dragon]

Sean Connery once asked a girlfriend to sit on his face. Never again...............

 

[AndyRM]

I'm glad we're doing Connery jokes, here are two of my favourites:

Sean's agent calls and says "Good news, I've got you an interview tomorrow. About tennish OK?"

Sean replies, "Tennish? But I haven't even got a racquet."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Biggish.
Biggish who?
No thanks, I've already got a copy.

 

[TVC]

I will never forget my Grandfather's last words:
"Stop shaking the ladder you little nobber".

 

[Markymark]

I will never forget my Grandfather's last words:
"Stop shaking the ladder you little nobber".

My grandad died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his 40 screaming passengers.

 

[shouldbeinbed]

Edit: beaten to it by MM

 

[Vapin' Joe]

"Everyone's quitting at the moment"

Chris Evans - Ginger
David Cameron - Posh
Roy Hodgson - Sporty
Boris Johnson - Baby
Nigel Farage - Scary

 

[TVC]

My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

 

[glenn forger]

Got kicked out of the odeon for eating while the film was on, I wouldn't mind but I'd only just got the barbecue going.

 

[Globalti]

Cinderella is sitting by the fire, lonely, crying and miserable. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears: "Hi Cinders! What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," sniffs Cinders, "my wicked step sisters have gone off to the ball and left me here to do all the washing and ironing and I'm really fed up!"

So the fairy godmother waves her magic wand and suddenly Cinderella finds herself wearing a gorgeous ball gown and there's a coach and horses and uniformed flunkeys waiting for her.

"Off you go Cinders, have a lovely time at the ball, but be sure you get home by midnight!"

"Why midnight?"

"Because on the stroke of midnight your lady bits are going to turn into a melon!"

So off Cinders goes to the ball where she meets a handsome prince and spends the evening waltzing around with him. Quite late in the night the doors are opened and everybody sits down for the banquet. And what's on the menu for the first course? Why, melon of course. There's Prince Charming tucking messily and with gusto into his slice of melon giving it "slurp slurp blobbble gobble gloop sloosh gulp gulp" while Cinerella looks on with interest. Suddenly Charming asks:

"By the way Cinders, what time have you got to be home?"

"Ooooh.... about three o'clock will do!"

 

[Roadhump]

We are going to a fancy dress party tomorrow night and my wife said she is going dressed up as a Mediterranean island at the foot of Italy. I told her I didn't like the idea and not to be So silly.

 

[welsh dragon]

Who bult king Arthur's round table.

Sir cumference


Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way.