Any good jokes ... ?

[Hitchington]

Worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

 

[morrisman]

Local man who fell into a combine harvester while attempting to evade police has been baled to appear later in court!

 

[wheresthetorch]

Local man who fell into a combine harvester while attempting to evade police has been baled to appear later in court!

View: https://youtu.be/Qapvgu3Y9Ck

 

[Cubist]

A joke from a gentler era:

As Noah was unloading the Ark he implored the animals all to go forth and multiply. Every species trotted off happily but he was surprised to find a pair of snakes stayed behind. Recognising them as Mr and Mrs Viper he asked them what the matter was. " We don't know how we're going to multiply" said Mr Viper "we're Adders. "

Noah thought for a moment then said "Tell you what, all you need is the right environment. This is quite a beauty spot, give me a couple of hours and I'll sort you out somewhere to live." The snakes returned to find he had used some spare timber from the Ark to build them a nice little cabin with rustic furniture. They were particularly taken with a rough hewn dining set.

Noah went back to check up on them a year later, and to his delight the Vipers had a lovely little family. Mrs Viper pointed out that the log tables had been particularly helpful.

 

[morrisman]

I've just got a dog that's trained to bring me a glass of red wine on command.

It's a Bordeaux collie.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

My wife says I'm useless at fixing domestic appliances.

Pfffft, she's in for a shock.

 

[Venod]

 

[Electric_Andy]

I was thrown out of my woodwork class this evening. We were working on the lathe and I asked the instructor how long it takes him to turn out a large stool.

 

[Dave7]

Noah's diary, day 39.
Unicorn pie is delicious.

 

[Venod]

 

[gbb]

A joke from a gentler era:

As Noah was unloading the Ark he implored the animals all to go forth and multiply. Every species trotted off happily but he was surprised to find a pair of snakes stayed behind. Recognising them as Mr and Mrs Viper he asked them what the matter was. " We don't know how we're going to multiply" said Mr Viper "we're Adders. "

Noah thought for a moment then said "Tell you what, all you need is the right environment. This is quite a beauty spot, give me a couple of hours and I'll sort you out somewhere to live." The snakes returned to find he had used some spare timber from the Ark to build them a nice little cabin with rustic furniture. They were particularly taken with a rough hewn dining set.

Noah went back to check up on them a year later, and to his delight the Vipers had a lovely little family. Mrs Viper pointed out that the log tables had been particularly helpful.

Ooh, took me a minute to work that one out

 

[ufkacbln]

Ooh, took me a minute to work that one out

Was it a calculated move?

 

[Cubist]

Woodwork teacher : "What's that you've made Johnny?"
Little Johnny "It's a portable Miss"
Teacher " A portable what?"
Johnny "fark knows, I've only made the handle. "

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the landlord "Bloody hell, that must be one clever dog"

"Not really" said the landlord, "Every time he gets a good hand his tail starts wagging"

 

[Venod]