TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
Just applied for a job at Citroen... for some reason i was asked to send in 2 CVs...
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Smokin Joe
Legendary Member
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
A bloke arrives home from work to find his wife in the hall wearing a see through blouse, tiny little skirt and stockings and suspenders.
She says, "Darling, have you ever seen ten pounds crumpled up?"
Starting to feel excited he replies, "No, I haven't". So she slowly undoes the top two buttons on her blouse, pulls two crumpled five pound notes from her bra and hands to him. Hardly able to contain his excitement he starts to unbutton his shirt when in a husky voice she says, "And have you ever seen twenty pounds crumpled up?"
"No", he says.
So she lifts up her skirt and pulls two ten pound notes out of her knickers, walks over and hands them to him.
She continues, "Darling, have you ever seen thirty thousand pounds all crumpled up?"
Unable to contain himself any longer, he unbuckles his belt and drops his trousers to the floor in anticipation of a wild, kinky night and replies, "No sweetheart, I haven't".
His wife says, "Well, go out to the garage and take a look".
She says, "Darling, have you ever seen ten pounds crumpled up?"
Starting to feel excited he replies, "No, I haven't". So she slowly undoes the top two buttons on her blouse, pulls two crumpled five pound notes from her bra and hands to him. Hardly able to contain his excitement he starts to unbutton his shirt when in a husky voice she says, "And have you ever seen twenty pounds crumpled up?"
"No", he says.
So she lifts up her skirt and pulls two ten pound notes out of her knickers, walks over and hands them to him.
She continues, "Darling, have you ever seen thirty thousand pounds all crumpled up?"
Unable to contain himself any longer, he unbuckles his belt and drops his trousers to the floor in anticipation of a wild, kinky night and replies, "No sweetheart, I haven't".
His wife says, "Well, go out to the garage and take a look".
- Location
- The TerrorVortex
I could have used that line a few weeks ago.
I attempted to put a Renault Megane into the boot of a Honda Civic. It didn't go well.
It makes a surprisingly loud bang and no-one is pleased with you.
I attempted to put a Renault Megane into the boot of a Honda Civic. It didn't go well.
It makes a surprisingly loud bang and no-one is pleased with you.
Ouch! That is going to cost you.
Andrew_P
In between here and there
Two 70 year old men,
Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike - - Mike."
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?”
“Mike - - it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some
really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too,and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team this Saturday"
Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike - - Mike."
"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?”
“Mike - - it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some
really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too,and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team this Saturday"
flake99please
We all scream for ice cream
- Location
- Edinburgh
The upside to insomnia... Only 2 sleeps until Christmas.
betty swollocks
large member
LCpl Boiled Egg
Three word soundbite
I'm gradually overcoming my fear of ladders by taking things one step at a time.
lutonloony
Über Member
- Location
- torbay
I think naff s being optimisticTook the kids to a Zoo last week , only had one dog in the entire place.
Was a ' Sh1t-Zoo ' ( Shih Tzu )
Yes yes , naff I know ..
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
Isn't it strange how really sexy women drive cute little cars?
Which reminds me, the M.O.T.'s due on the wife's Transit.
Which reminds me, the M.O.T.'s due on the wife's Transit.
