Any good jokes ... ?

[Salty seadog]

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

 

[PeteXXX]

Mummy, mummy.. Am I a poisonousss sssnake?

No, darling, why do you asssk?

Because I've just bitten my tongue.

 

[Bazzer]

Little known fact: "Where's Wally?" originated at the Weeley rock festival in 1971 when a call went out over the public address 'tannoy' for any sightings of a lost dog called Wally, whereupon the call of "Wally, Wally" was taken up by all of the crowd who were still (semi) conscious, including me.

IIRC, "Wally" was also shouted at later festivals and concerts in the 70s/early 80s, during quiet periods between bands.

 

[Zeffer]

Mummy, mummy, Dad's going out!

Well put some more paraffin on him!

 

[Dirk]

I could have been an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.....

 

[Cavalol]

My missus bought me a watch for my birthday last year, and it's stopped working.





I haven't told her yet, it's never the right time.

 

[burntoutbanger]

My watch broke but I kept it for a few years thinking I may get it repaired, then I had a change of heart.

Sold it when the time was right.

 

[betty swollocks]

Yesterday teatime, I called an old engineering friend of mine and asked what he was working doing these days.
His response was that he was working on 'aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment'.

Turns out he was doing the washing up after having been instructed to do so, by his wife.

 

[PaulB]

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

The literalist takes things literally while the kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

 

[Salty seadog]

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

 

[Dayvo]

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

You don't know - sorry, bad English!

 

[Dayvo]

Doctor: Relax, Brian, it's just a small operation, nothing to worry about.

Patient: But Doctor, my name's Philip, not Brian.

Doctor: I know. My name's Brian.

 

[colly]

Sadly not a joke just an observation.

 

[Salty seadog]

Stayed up all night last night wondering where the sun had gone.....

....then it dawned on me.

 

[Dayvo]