- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
Was the First Aider sympathetic towards you, as you lay battered and bruised on the ground?
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Was the First Aider sympathetic towards you, as you lay battered and bruised on the ground?
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.
"Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”
"Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”
OP
OP
cisamcgu
Legendary Member
- Location
- Merseyside-ish
That, sir, was the first joke in this elongated thread, have we reached the beginning again .. ?
AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
Incredible scenes. After just 73 pages, all available jokes have been used up!
Oops, it was so good it needed repeating!
morrisman
Guru
A farmer was looking over his field containing heifers and his prize bull when there was an earthquake. When he picked himself up he noticed all the heifers were had also fallen over but the bull looked as if it had remained upright. The farmer enquired of the bull how could this be so and the bull replied:
'We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down!
'We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down!
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
A Catholic Priest and a Protestant Minister are debating the beginning of life when a Rabbi joins them.
“Rabbi,” says the Catholic, “Welcome. We’re debating the very essence of life. My friend here, the Protestant, is convinced life only begins at birth while I, as a Catholic, am convinced that life begins at the very point of conception. As a man of the Jewish faith, please share your thoughts with us. When do you believe life begins?”
The Rabbi thinks for a moment and replies, “I believe life begins when the dog dies and the kids leave home…”
“Rabbi,” says the Catholic, “Welcome. We’re debating the very essence of life. My friend here, the Protestant, is convinced life only begins at birth while I, as a Catholic, am convinced that life begins at the very point of conception. As a man of the Jewish faith, please share your thoughts with us. When do you believe life begins?”
The Rabbi thinks for a moment and replies, “I believe life begins when the dog dies and the kids leave home…”
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
So there’s this Paralympian athlete, been blind since birth, and he’s walking around the Olympic village dying for something to eat. As he enters a restaurant he listens and notices it’s pretty full, but it sounds like one of the tables close to him has just three women sitting at it. He enquires and the women confirm there is a spare seat and ask him to join them.
The women and cracking gags and the man decides to join in…
“Would you like to hear my blond gag?” he asks.
“Hang on a minute there,” the first woman says. “I appreciate you can’t see but let me just inform you of something before you decide to share your “hilarious” blond gag with us. My name is Susan, I’m blond and I just won a bronze medal in the wrestling. Mary, opposite you, is also blond and she just won the silver medal in the Judo. Finally Jane, on your left, is also blond and she just happens to have won the gold in kickboxing. So are you absolutely certain you want to go ahead and share your funny little blond gag with us?”
The blind guy thinks about it for a moment and responds, “do you know what ladies, thinking about it, I don’t think I’ll bother. I simply can’t be arsed having to explain it three times.”
The women and cracking gags and the man decides to join in…
“Would you like to hear my blond gag?” he asks.
“Hang on a minute there,” the first woman says. “I appreciate you can’t see but let me just inform you of something before you decide to share your “hilarious” blond gag with us. My name is Susan, I’m blond and I just won a bronze medal in the wrestling. Mary, opposite you, is also blond and she just won the silver medal in the Judo. Finally Jane, on your left, is also blond and she just happens to have won the gold in kickboxing. So are you absolutely certain you want to go ahead and share your funny little blond gag with us?”
The blind guy thinks about it for a moment and responds, “do you know what ladies, thinking about it, I don’t think I’ll bother. I simply can’t be arsed having to explain it three times.”
How many members CC does it take to change a light bulb!!!!!
1...to change the light bulb and to post the light bulb has been changed.
2...14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
3....7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
4....2 to argue about it a while, then move it to the electrical section.
5...7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
6...5 to flame the spell checkers.
7....3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
8.....6 to argue over whether its a light bulb or a lightbulb.
9.....2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp.
10...15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry and the term light bulb was perfectly and politically correct.
11....19 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and take the discussion to a light bulb forum.
12.....11 to defend the posting to this forum, saying we all use light bulbs so its relevant to this forum.
13......36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what is the best brand of light bulbs works best for this technique and which brands are faulty.
14...7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different kinds of light bulbs.
15....3 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the correct URL's.
16.....3 to post links found in the URL's that are irrelevant to this group which make light bulbs relevant to this group.
17.....5 people to hotlink to pictures of lightbulbs hosted on geocities.
18.....6 people to claim about dead images.
19.....3 people to tell them to right click the image and copy URL into another window.
20.....13 to read all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers, images and signitures and add ''I agree''
21......5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
22......4 to say '' didn't we go through all this a short time ago?''
23......13 to say ''do a search on light bulbs before posting questions on light bulbs''
24.......1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
1...to change the light bulb and to post the light bulb has been changed.
2...14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
3....7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
4....2 to argue about it a while, then move it to the electrical section.
5...7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
6...5 to flame the spell checkers.
7....3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
8.....6 to argue over whether its a light bulb or a lightbulb.
9.....2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp.
10...15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry and the term light bulb was perfectly and politically correct.
11....19 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and take the discussion to a light bulb forum.
12.....11 to defend the posting to this forum, saying we all use light bulbs so its relevant to this forum.
13......36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what is the best brand of light bulbs works best for this technique and which brands are faulty.
14...7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different kinds of light bulbs.
15....3 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the correct URL's.
16.....3 to post links found in the URL's that are irrelevant to this group which make light bulbs relevant to this group.
17.....5 people to hotlink to pictures of lightbulbs hosted on geocities.
18.....6 people to claim about dead images.
19.....3 people to tell them to right click the image and copy URL into another window.
20.....13 to read all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers, images and signitures and add ''I agree''
21......5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
22......4 to say '' didn't we go through all this a short time ago?''
23......13 to say ''do a search on light bulbs before posting questions on light bulbs''
24.......1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
Last edited by a moderator:
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
25.... Change a watt?
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this programme. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this programme. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
Moon bunny
Judging your grammar
- Location
- Basking in my own brilliance.
28, One to claim that you should not be replacing the light bulb with another light bulb, but the new wonder light bulb at three time the price, that will enhance the user's eyesight by 0.57%.
