AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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swee'pea99
Squire
Guy walks into a pub with his dog, orders a beer and says to the barman “I’ve got no money but I'll show you something better. My dog can talk.” Barman says “Ok, go on then."
So the guy says to the dog “You’ve been to the pub, had eight pints of beer, four double whiskys and a pina colada - how d'you feel in the morning?” The dog says “ruff!”
Barman says “Nah, I’m not having that. Get out!”
Guy says “No, no, it can talk, give us another chance.”
This time he says to the dog “You’re teeing off and your ball doesn’t hit the fairway, the green, the bunker or the water. Where is it?” The dog says “ruff!”
Barman says “Right, that’s it! Out the pair of you!”
The guy says “Honestly it can talk, just...one more chance...”
He says to the dog “Right, this is our last chance, so pay attention: World Cup, 1986, Mexico, who was in goal for Scotland?” The dog says “ruff!”
The barman loses it and chucks them both out. Sat on the pavement outside, the dog turns and says “Sorry, I messed that up, it was Jim Leighton wasn’t it?”
So the guy says to the dog “You’ve been to the pub, had eight pints of beer, four double whiskys and a pina colada - how d'you feel in the morning?” The dog says “ruff!”
Barman says “Nah, I’m not having that. Get out!”
Guy says “No, no, it can talk, give us another chance.”
This time he says to the dog “You’re teeing off and your ball doesn’t hit the fairway, the green, the bunker or the water. Where is it?” The dog says “ruff!”
Barman says “Right, that’s it! Out the pair of you!”
The guy says “Honestly it can talk, just...one more chance...”
He says to the dog “Right, this is our last chance, so pay attention: World Cup, 1986, Mexico, who was in goal for Scotland?” The dog says “ruff!”
The barman loses it and chucks them both out. Sat on the pavement outside, the dog turns and says “Sorry, I messed that up, it was Jim Leighton wasn’t it?”
raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
At least it's free
Domus
Guru
- Location
- Sunny Radcliffe
I believe they're quite common
classic33
Leg End Member
A highway patrol officer pulls over a guy on a Harley for speeding. He walked up to the biker and said,
"Let's start with your name."
"Fred," the man replied.
"Fred what?" asked the officer.
"Just Fred."
The officer, in a good mood, figured he might let him off with a warning. But he decided to have a little fun and pushed, "Come on now-what's your last name?"
Fred sighed. "Well, I used to have one... but I lost it."
Now curious, the officer raised an eyebrow. "Lost it? How do you lose a last name?"
Fred took a deep breath. "It's a long story. But here goes:
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard, went to medical school, became a doctor-Fred Johnson, M.D.
After a few years, I got interested in dentistry, went back to school, and became Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S.
Then I made some bad choices, got involved with my dental assistant... and ended up with an infection. So I was Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S., with a V.D.
The dental board didn't like that. They pulled my D.D.S., so I became Fred Johnson, M.D., with a V.D.
Then the medical board found out, and there went my M.D.
Now I was just Fred Johnson... with a V.D.
And finally, the V.D. took away my Johnson.
So now... I'm Just Fred."
The officer was crying.
Not out of pity-but from laughing so hard, he couldn't even write the ticket.
"Let's start with your name."
"Fred," the man replied.
"Fred what?" asked the officer.
"Just Fred."
The officer, in a good mood, figured he might let him off with a warning. But he decided to have a little fun and pushed, "Come on now-what's your last name?"
Fred sighed. "Well, I used to have one... but I lost it."
Now curious, the officer raised an eyebrow. "Lost it? How do you lose a last name?"
Fred took a deep breath. "It's a long story. But here goes:
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard, went to medical school, became a doctor-Fred Johnson, M.D.
After a few years, I got interested in dentistry, went back to school, and became Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S.
Then I made some bad choices, got involved with my dental assistant... and ended up with an infection. So I was Fred Johnson, M.D., D.D.S., with a V.D.
The dental board didn't like that. They pulled my D.D.S., so I became Fred Johnson, M.D., with a V.D.
Then the medical board found out, and there went my M.D.
Now I was just Fred Johnson... with a V.D.
And finally, the V.D. took away my Johnson.
So now... I'm Just Fred."
The officer was crying.
Not out of pity-but from laughing so hard, he couldn't even write the ticket.
Seevio
Guru
- Location
- South Glos
Fight the man!
Arjimlad
Tights of Cydonia
- Location
- South Glos
Just remembering the time I broke Mum's favourite clothes horse. It was the end of an airer.
Punkawallah
Veteran
One from 19th century Australia.
Coroner - ‘Tell me, Constable, was the dead body you found by the railway track a complete stranger?’
Constable - ‘Oh no, sir. He was missing a leg, so was a partial stranger’.
Boom! Boom! Mr Roy!
Coroner - ‘Tell me, Constable, was the dead body you found by the railway track a complete stranger?’
Constable - ‘Oh no, sir. He was missing a leg, so was a partial stranger’.
Boom! Boom! Mr Roy!
Andy in Germany
Guru
- Location
- Rottenburg am Neckar
Dreadful.....truly dreadful
And yet, not the low point of the thread...
