Any good jokes ... ?

[Punkawallah]

I saw a man feeding the birds in the park the other day. I did wonder how long he’d been dead.
Milton Jones.

 

[tyred]

 

[Seevio]

Me: This movie is really terrible.
Boss: Again, this is a zoom meeting.

 

[Windle]

My ex brother-in-law had an African Grey, who could talk. He could also perfectly mimic the door bell and the telephone. He'd previously lived in a pub and his repertoire included all the noises of a space invader machine. All of this was done really loudly too. He did seem rather bored and unhappy, in so far as we can put emotion onto animals, so he was likely better off in the pub as there'd have been a lot more attention and stuff going on. Presumably due to boredom he pretty much destroyed their kitchen by biting big chunks out of all the cupboard doors.

They certainly need to be kept entertained, though having more than one helps. Oddly, despite their intelligence they're happy enough shredding cardboard boxes or bog roll tubes, simple things amuse them ~ a bit like middle aged blokes tinkering with bikes I suppose .

 

[Dave7]

I bought something from a shop yesterday. Paid cash
Got home, tried it, didnt work.
Took it back this morning and asked for a refund...... the girl just said "no chance".
I demanded to speak to the manager and just gave me a look and asked me to leave the premises.
That's the last time I buy a lottery ticket from that shop.

 

[Dave7]

A couple get married. 1st night in bed the husband says "darling, something i wanted to ask you, if you dont mind. How many men have you slept with before me"?
The wife doesn't respond.
Husband says "you can be honest, I will still love you"
No response.
Husband says "im sorry, I have obviously upset you".
The wife says "will you shut up, I'm still counting"!!

 

[tyred]

I got so drunk last night, I walked across the dancefloor to get another drink and won the disco dancing competition.

 

[Dave7]

I sent my photo to a 'lonely hearts' group.
They sent it back with a note saying "we're not that lonely".

 

[Cavalol]

A little known fact is that Ian Beale has a son called Batmo.

 

[Cavalol]

Oh lollipop men and women do make me cross.

My mum is a lollipop lady in Leeds. Do you know her?

She's a tall thin woman with a big sticky head.

 

[tyred]

 

[postman]

My mum is a lollipop lady in Leeds. Do you know her?

She's a tall thin woman with a big sticky head.

No i have never met her,but reports say she is outstanding at her job.

 

[Dave7]

Until I was 10 yrs old I thought god lived in our bathroom as most mornings my Dad would be hammering on the door shouting "good god are you still in there".

 

[Dave7]

I bought myself a metal detector yesterday, went out and had an immediate hit.
I was 4 feet down before I realised it was my metal toe capped boots.

 

[morrisman]

My mate Jack swears he can talk to some vegetables
Jack and the beans talk