AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
Inspired by a vague misunderstanding with @welsh dragon on the "What Film" thread, I have been compelled to share my thoughts on the barbarism that is taking place on the silver screen. For too long Hollywood has been getting away with murder without question; neutering once proud bastions of story-telling, adventure, violence, swearing and unfeasible machismo for a pathetic modern generation.
Presented in no particular order are my thoughts on films which have been desecrated.
Robocop
Paul Verhoeven created three of my favourite films in the 80s/90s and Robocop is the most recent to have been castrated by the 12A brigade. I don't quite understand how an ultra violent satirical masterpiece has been tuned down to the point where it's acceptable for pre-teens to watch; I suspect Michael Bay convincing us that robots are good guys has played a part.
Total Recall
I made it through about an hour of this disaster. The lack of a naked three bosomed alien and the cruel omission of Arnie in even a cameo role was just too much to take. Even my wife, who has an inexplicable crush on Colin Farrell couldn't watch the whole thing, which says rather a lot.
Die Hard
"Yippeekayai motherf_cker" is probably the greatest catch phrase ever. It's up there with "Get to da choppa" and "We're gonna need a bigger boat" in the pantheon of fantastic one liners. And yet the modern incarnations of John McClane aren't allowed to say it on screen. Sure, Die Hard 4.0 got a vaguely retooled DVD with the blood and swearing chucked back in, but it felt like an apology. The latest effort set in Russia is just an embarrassment.
Indiana Jones
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was actually going alright until George Lucas apparently overdosed on PCP and chucked aliens into the mix. There were Nazis, car chases, improbable twists... Staples of an Indiana Jones film. But it all went horribly wrong in the last half hour. If you've not watched the film, turn it off when they get to the temple and you'll think you've watched something decent.
Star Wars
There is so much wrong with the modern Star Wars backstory that I'm not entirely sure where to start. Jar Jar Binks? Ewan McGregor's abysmal accent? The vacuous eyes of Natalie Portman? Jar Jar Binks? The complete removal of fear from Darth Vader, knowing his lame origins? Once again I suspect that Mr. Lucas had been dabbling with powerful psychotropic drugs. It's really the only explanation for Jar Jar Binks.
Ringu
The Japanese trilogy is atmospheric, disturbing, interesting and thought provoking. Pretty much the opposite of the needless remakes for an English speaking audience. See also, Let the Right One In and Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. And Dark Water. And The Grudge.
In the interest of presenting a balanced viewpoint, here are two modern incarnations of films which have done well. It's no coincidence that they are both Stallone efforts - he's not a man to be trifled with and has, to his credit, not allowed his characters to be ruined.
Rocky Balboa
Yes, it's an implausible premise and has a bit of a cop out ending, but it's still a damn fine Rocky film. It looks a bit glossier and has lost a little of the rough and tumble grit from days of yore, but that doesn't stop it being an inspirational slice of movie excellence.
Rambo
The only thing missing from this is a bit of goat football, or whatever it's called. This has everything you'd expect from a Rambo film: a troubled conscience, idiots in need of being saved, limbs being shot off enemies. It's an unflinching take on the barbarity of war and the attitude of a mercenary which is to be commended.
I could have included the mindless reworking of horror classics, but that would have resulted in a post of objectionable length. I don't think I've made any glaring omissions but let me know if I have. Speculation on future disasters is also welcome!
Presented in no particular order are my thoughts on films which have been desecrated.
Robocop
Paul Verhoeven created three of my favourite films in the 80s/90s and Robocop is the most recent to have been castrated by the 12A brigade. I don't quite understand how an ultra violent satirical masterpiece has been tuned down to the point where it's acceptable for pre-teens to watch; I suspect Michael Bay convincing us that robots are good guys has played a part.
Total Recall
I made it through about an hour of this disaster. The lack of a naked three bosomed alien and the cruel omission of Arnie in even a cameo role was just too much to take. Even my wife, who has an inexplicable crush on Colin Farrell couldn't watch the whole thing, which says rather a lot.
Die Hard
"Yippeekayai motherf_cker" is probably the greatest catch phrase ever. It's up there with "Get to da choppa" and "We're gonna need a bigger boat" in the pantheon of fantastic one liners. And yet the modern incarnations of John McClane aren't allowed to say it on screen. Sure, Die Hard 4.0 got a vaguely retooled DVD with the blood and swearing chucked back in, but it felt like an apology. The latest effort set in Russia is just an embarrassment.
Indiana Jones
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was actually going alright until George Lucas apparently overdosed on PCP and chucked aliens into the mix. There were Nazis, car chases, improbable twists... Staples of an Indiana Jones film. But it all went horribly wrong in the last half hour. If you've not watched the film, turn it off when they get to the temple and you'll think you've watched something decent.
Star Wars
There is so much wrong with the modern Star Wars backstory that I'm not entirely sure where to start. Jar Jar Binks? Ewan McGregor's abysmal accent? The vacuous eyes of Natalie Portman? Jar Jar Binks? The complete removal of fear from Darth Vader, knowing his lame origins? Once again I suspect that Mr. Lucas had been dabbling with powerful psychotropic drugs. It's really the only explanation for Jar Jar Binks.
Ringu
The Japanese trilogy is atmospheric, disturbing, interesting and thought provoking. Pretty much the opposite of the needless remakes for an English speaking audience. See also, Let the Right One In and Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. And Dark Water. And The Grudge.
In the interest of presenting a balanced viewpoint, here are two modern incarnations of films which have done well. It's no coincidence that they are both Stallone efforts - he's not a man to be trifled with and has, to his credit, not allowed his characters to be ruined.
Rocky Balboa
Yes, it's an implausible premise and has a bit of a cop out ending, but it's still a damn fine Rocky film. It looks a bit glossier and has lost a little of the rough and tumble grit from days of yore, but that doesn't stop it being an inspirational slice of movie excellence.
Rambo
The only thing missing from this is a bit of goat football, or whatever it's called. This has everything you'd expect from a Rambo film: a troubled conscience, idiots in need of being saved, limbs being shot off enemies. It's an unflinching take on the barbarity of war and the attitude of a mercenary which is to be commended.
I could have included the mindless reworking of horror classics, but that would have resulted in a post of objectionable length. I don't think I've made any glaring omissions but let me know if I have. Speculation on future disasters is also welcome!
the originals are better
).. that there should be any more eg. forthcoming episode 7. Just what are you going to do with it?. The first trilogy (confusingly parts 4-6) was about the fall of an evil empire and the first about it's rise. What could any more films do?...the rise & fall of another empire?. Filling in the gaps between trilogies?. Mark Hammil is now in his 60's, Harrison Ford in his 70's. It should be left at 6 movies really, maybe a tv show.
Hollywood's versions of The Wicker Man and The Day of the Jackal
