Bereavement

[Fubar]

Hi
I posted the following link in the "Depression Strikes" thread and it occurred to me that we are all affected by bereavement at some point but it is one of those things people generally don't like to talk about:
http://www.toabsentfriends.org.uk/
Part of my job is Palliative Care and discussions around end of life, which can always be difficult. My personal experience (after losing grandparents) is that I lost my first wife to cancer aged 32 then my mum and dad within a year of each other, and not a day goes by that I don't think of each of them in some way - I do feel that little parts of me died with them and while you move on, you are very different. I actually think I went a bit "out of body" and off the rails after my wife died, perhaps understandably.

So as an extension of the Depression Strikes thread I thought it might of use to start a conversation around bereavement and loss as everyone's experience and way of dealing with it is different, and perhaps we can help each other.

Regards, Mark

 

[Pat "5mph"]

Great thread!
I will write something about my experience a wee bit later.

 

[Ern1e]

Thanks for the link @Fubar most of us on here will have at some point been touched by bereavement or will be in the future.I also lost my mother to cancer whilst this was 43 years ago I still feel the loss and more so when I think that she has never seen her grandchildren/great grandchildren,and I often wonder if things would be the same or different had she have lived longer ! something i will never know so thanks again.

 

[mustang1]

Recently my mum was going to die. While my dad had every hope of her surviving (and she did, barely), I was looking into funeral arrangements so my dad didn't have to. In hindsight it was premature and selfish of me and I keep thinking I shouldn't have done that. I didn't tell anyone I was making arrangements, on the outside I showed I was very hopeful that she wouldn't die but underneath I wanted my dad to have the least stress as possible and so I decided to make enquiries about what one has to do during such times.
Good thread, thank you.

 

[fossyant]

The loss of my brother in law 12 years ago (aged my age now) was very hard to deal with even though I didn't know him that well (lived in Hong Kong) He died of a brain tumour. Was dead within 4 weeks of diagnosis.

My father in law died recently, and that was unpleasant dealing with the end of life issues and trying to get my sisters in laws to start working together. At the minute we are left with my mother in law who is partially disabled (stroke so physical mobility issues) and we are constantly running about helping her out - she doesn't get we all have jobs and children to look after and can't drop everything to go and buy her an iced bun (yup I kid you not). Every time you talk to her she is in tears. Really hard to deal with her, and me and my wife have been sorting out all the bills, she doesn't want to know about them. Just been round the second night running as a spare telly is on the blink. Won't power up sometimes. It's a simple switch off and back on, but you've got to go round NOW to get it working. It's the telly she watches when she goes to bed. She has catch up and full sky so could watch it in the morning.

 

[Levo-Lon]

The older I get the harder I seem to be getting.
death of little brother at 23 done me, fantastic amounts of alcohol and mates helped ,but getting banned from driving brought me back to reality.

sorry to sound harsh but some just wont move on and wallow ,others can move forward and make the best of it.
duno, its life isnt it ,after all the great war 100 yrs on stuff on tv we live a charmed life and seem to get all hung up on our own little worlds..friend died from pancriatic cancer a little while back.. he said I had 49 great years..enjoy what you get mate..
hope that comes accross ok as hard to wtite stuff like this.
talking helps but the person must want to move on for them to heal as its the living that feel the pain when we lose close family and friends

 

[Fubar]

The loss of my brother in law 12 years ago (aged my age now) was very hard to deal with even though I didn't know him that well (lived in Hong Kong) He died of a brain tumour. Was dead within 4 weeks of diagnosis.

My father in law died recently, and that was unpleasant dealing with the end of life issues and trying to get my sisters in laws to start working together. At the minute we are left with my mother in law who is partially disabled (stroke so physical mobility issues) and we are constantly running about helping her out - she doesn't get we all have jobs and children to look after and can't drop everything to go and buy her an iced bun (yup I kid you not). Every time you talk to her she is in tears. Really hard to deal with her, and me and my wife have been sorting out all the bills, she doesn't want to know about them. Just been round the second night running as a spare telly is on the blink. Won't power up sometimes. It's a simple switch off and back on, but you've got to go round NOW to get it working. It's the telly she watches when she goes to bed. She has catch up and full sky so could watch it in the morning.

Tough to deal with as she is obviously suffering too but seems to have unrealistic expectations - does she get any support?

 

[Fubar]

The older I get the harder I seem to be getting.
death of little brother at 23 done me, fantastic amounts of alcohol and mates helped ,but getting banned from driving brought me back to reality.

sorry to sound harsh but some just wont move on and wallow ,others can move forward and make the best of it.
duno, its life isnt it ,after all the great war 100 yrs on stuff on tv we live a charmed life and seem to get all hung up on our own little worlds..friend died from pancriatic cancer a little while back.. he said I had 49 great years..enjoy what you get mate..
hope that comes accross ok as hard to wtite stuff like this.
talking helps but the person must want to move on for them to heal as its the living that feel the pain when we lose close family and friends

Appreciate your comments, everyone deals with these things differently and your opinion is valid - just might be harder for some people to come to terms with death and talk about it, which is the intention of the thread. Cheers, Mark

 

[Pat "5mph"]

My long term partner died suddenly 11 years ago.
It was a shock, nobody close to me had died previously.
Thankfully, I was left in a financial pickle, which spurred me into action, got 3 jobs, embarked in major diy projects.
I am not prone to depression, fortunately, but I think if I'd had no need to concentrate on practical matters I would have gone bonkers.
Feelings: I felt abandoned For a while I tried to do alone the things we used to do together, or to do stuff the way he liked it.
Soon found out this does not work: we had become "one" in many ways, it was really surprising to me how fast I became "myself" again, after all the years together, well, a "myself" with added undeletable bits!
In hindsight I should have started dating again a few years after his death, but I didn't, ended up an old mad cat lady instead not out of a misguided sense of loyalty, just out of inertia, plus the niggling feeling that any new man should not be compared, but inevitably would be.
Chapeau to you, @Fubar for moving forward.
Btw, Catholic countries have a remembrance of the dead day, it's the 2nd of November, all Souls' day, when traditionally folks take flowers to graves.

duno, its life isnt it ,after all the great war 100 yrs on stuff on tv we live a charmed life and seem to get all hung up on our own little worlds.

True: "so what, everybody dies" I was told by a colleague a few months after I'd lost my partner. I did not take it to heart, as the colleague came from then war torn Iraq, still the comment did not make me feel any better!

 

[summerdays]

It feels wrong to like a post talking about someone coming to terms with the loss of someone close but I appreciated the openness. I haven't lost anyone close to me for ages, but therefore I'm dreading it being around the corner, with elderly parents for example, yet I need to carry on enjoying them now whilst I still have them. It's one of those topics I don't tend to discuss with anyone.

 

[Levo-Lon]

Pat 5mph..dont know how to quote on here...

my mum and dad split up 20 odd yrs after my brothers accident and death.
my dad just got sick of all the maudlin pitty me , drinking and misery..
we as a family tried so hard to make it better for her, try help groupe try counsilling you name it..
she just prefered to get pissed and feel sorry for herself.
my dad now lives with another woman and is happy again.

we all went to pieces at the time for a good while and watching my mother refuse to seek any help just peed me off ,she makes my sisters life a missery and I give her about an hr a month now as she just moans about everything and blames eveyone else..life's to short ..I feel angry everytime I see her,still love her but its a blood is thicker than water feeling , if this was a friend I'd have given up yrs ago.
parents are early 70's ill be crushed when dad goes and be pleased my mums pain has ended when she pops off, sad thought but she really has made her life and others bloody hard.
Asuming I dont beat them too it of course and grand parents all made late 80's early 90's so who knows.

like I said I've become a bit hard to some things which bothers me, so maybe ill give mum a hug nxt time I see her... so easy to take things out of context on a forum so appoliges if my post came across as a so what attitude ,it most certainly wasn't meant..

quite good to talk aboutthis really as I would not burden anyone with my woe's as a rule..

 

[Fubar]

Recently my mum was going to die. While my dad had every hope of her surviving (and she did, barely), I was looking into funeral arrangements so my dad didn't have to. In hindsight it was premature and selfish of me and I keep thinking I shouldn't have done that. I didn't tell anyone I was making arrangements, on the outside I showed I was very hopeful that she wouldn't die but underneath I wanted my dad to have the least stress as possible and so I decided to make enquiries about what one has to do during such times.
Good thread, thank you.

you did these things out of care for your father (and mother) so should not feel that it was selfish. Now that your mum has a "second chance" so to speak are you or your dad aware of her wishes? It might be worth taking the opportunity to find out, if you feel you are able.

 

[Fubar]

My long term partner died suddenly 11 years ago.
It was a shock, nobody close to me had died previously.
Thankfully, I was left in a financial pickle, which spurred me into action, got 3 jobs, embarked in major diy projects.
I am not prone to depression, fortunately, but I think if I'd had no need to concentrate on practical matters I would have gone bonkers.
Feelings: I felt abandoned For a while I tried to do alone the things we used to do together, or to do stuff the way he liked it.
Soon found out this does not work: we had become "one" in many ways, it was really surprising to me how fast I became "myself" again, after all the years together, well, a "myself" with added undeletable bits!
In hindsight I should have started dating again a few years after his death, but I didn't, ended up an old mad cat lady instead not out of a misguided sense of loyalty, just out of inertia, plus the niggling feeling that any new man should not be compared, but inevitably would be.
Chapeau to you, @Fubar for moving forward.
Btw, Catholic countries have a remembrance of the dead day, it's the 2nd of November, all Souls' day, when traditionally folks take flowers to graves.


True: "so what, everybody dies" I was told by a colleague a few months after I'd lost my partner. I did not take it to heart, as the colleague came from then war torn Iraq, still the comment did not make me feel any better!

Thanks for sharing Pat, I hesitated to post so I'm sure you did too!

I understand how hard it is to move on - I ended up being really selfish and ignoring calls from our previous friends (and her family) as I just couldn't cope with the "pressure". It was like everyone expected me to act a certain way. In the end I moved on and people just had to deal with it - I had 6 years being a carer and whilst I didn't resent it I had to put myself first. I'm not prone to,depression either but had some dark days, and found it hard to cope on my own.

The "day of the dead" idea is kind of what To Absent Friends is about, celebrating those lost and opening conversations on death and dying.

 

[Fubar]

P.s. If I like posts on here it's not necessarily because I like the stories but 'cos people have shown the courage to share.

 

[cyberknight]

Both my parents died of terminal cancer, mum when i was under 10 and my dad a few years ago .
No one to talk about it too and i have always had difficulty making friends and interpersonal stuff i put it down to not letting anyone in enough so i cant get hurt , counseling was not about in the 70`s and i had to get my dad out of his grief and back to work while i was doign things like housework, shopping , cooking etc for 2 sistsers until he found another "mum" to look after us .Much as i am grateful to her she was never really my mum and when my step brother (15 years younger ) was born it always felt like he was the apple of their eye .
Point in fact , they couldn't afford for me to go to college but they came out of retirement and did cleaning jobs so he could go to uni , fair enough he got a PHD but ..........