best put downs you've heard

[Rhythm Thief]

My brother always fancied himself as a bit of an actor. At a House of Fraser blue cross sale a woman was trying to barge past him to get into one of the sale display boxes he turned on her and said in a very loud posh voice "Go away you grotty little woman" Surprisingly without a word she did. At the time i was embarrassed, but looking back on it was funny. Worked pretty effectively as a put down.

That reminds me ... I was once in a petrol station, browsing the magazines having paid for my petrol. Suddenly, some woman comes stomping through the door in high dudgeon, banging on about some woman having pushed in front of her in the queue for the pumps. "Eeh, the cheeky faggot! Pushged right in, she did", and so on. You'd think the end of the world had arrived early. After a bit of this, I looked up from the magazines and said: "Well, you know who to tell all this to, don't you? Go and tell her" and returned to my browsing. There were two seconds of silence, then she turned to the person next to me and started the whole thing again.

 

[Bill Gates]

Muhammed Ali " You're not as dumn as you look".

I've been waiting for someone to come along and say that's not how you spell dumb so that I could reply to them with "you're not as dumb as you look".

Either you're all too polite to tell me I can't spell or you saw it coming. I think it's the former.

 

[Fnaar]

At school one day, aged about 14, I tried to get out of PE (gawd knows why, cos I enjoyed it... it was just what you did, from time to time )
I said to the teacher "I've pulled a muscle in my leg".
He retorted with "I don't think you've got any muscles to pull. Go and get changed"

 

[zacklaws]

I slipped up at work last week whilst meeting a visitor when she told me her name was Mrs Young, and then got myself bemuddled when I tried to charm her when I said "You don't look that young", what I ment to say was "You don't look that old", it was just the fact she was old, but attractive, which made it so embarrasing and I sunk faster than the Bismark and could not see a way out of it.

I did not try chatting her up anymore, I think the damage was done.

 

[ACS]

We were working away from home in Bury-St-Edmunds and after a good few beers we decided to nip into a Chinese’s Take-Away on the way back to our digs. As we entered, the bloke behind the counter starts screaming and pointing at me “Get out, YOU get out, YOU banned, Yes YOU, GET OUT!” I stood there open mouthed and one of the group said to the bloke “Why? What’s he done?”

“He stole my Christmas tree 3 years ago, now get out, you banned” Man has quite a memory.

 

[swee'pea99]

I've been waiting for someone to come along and say that's not how you spell dumb so that I could reply to them with "you're not as dumb as you look".

Either you're all too polite to tell me I can't spell or you saw it coming. I think it's the former.

Or we are as dumn as we look.

 

[swee'pea99]

I slipped up at work last week whilst meeting a visitor when she told me her name was Mrs Young, and then got myself bemuddled when I tried to charm her when I said "You don't look that young", what I ment to say was "You don't look that old", it was just the fact she was old, but attractive, which made it so embarrasing and I sunk faster than the Bismark and could not see a way out of it.

I did not try chatting her up anymore, I think the damage was done.

Just hope Mrs Thin doesn't come in anytime soon.

 

[Wheeledweenie]

There are some rather icky teenagers near where I live and I've been accosted several times while out and about on my bike in lycra. I have a variety of put downs but probably my favourite was when one loudly and aggressively said I had nice t*ts and that he was going to 'f****** do' me. His mates nearly wet themselves when I haughtily replied 'You'll have to go through puberty first.'

 

[rich p]

There are some rather icky teenagers near where I live and I've been accosted several times while out and about on my bike in lycra. I have a variety of put downs but probably my favourite was when one loudly and aggressively said I had nice t*ts and that he was going to 'f****** do' me. His mates nearly wet themselves when I haughtily replied 'You'll have to go through puberty first.'

He had a romantic chat up line though!

 

[rich p]

There was another Muhammed Ali one when he was fighting Richard Dunn, who was exhausted and hanging on to Ali and he reputedly shouted to the timekeeper, "Ring the bell, I don't know how much longer I can hold this bum up"

 

[Happiness Stan]

I was at a party in the States in the early 90s and had the displeasure of winding up being talked to by an arrogant, right-wing, bigoted Yank. After 5 minutes of his ranting (where he assumed I must agree with everything he said) I started to excuse myself. Just before I left he shouted "Hey, give my regards to Margaret Thatcher when you see her". I turned and said "The next time I see Thatcher will be through a gun sight".

Maybe not the wittiest retort, but it was good for me and the look on his face was a picture.

 

[Happiness Stan]

One I heard whilst in the States:

"You so ugly even yo mamma thinks you ugly"

 

[doodles]

One of PAUL OGRADYS as Lilly Savage, which I have used on several different occasions...

Passenger in airport terminal having a smoke when the cleaner comes along and says
"there's no smoking in here, can't you read?

Passenger " yes of course I can read, thats why I'm not sweeping floors in the airport lounge"

 

[ACS]

On exercise with a National Air Guard Squadron from Texas in the early '80 at RAF Wittering and we took some of our visitors to the lower ranks mess for lunch.

About 10 or so people sitting around the table when one of the Texans states in a loud affirmative voice “Goddam these potatoes are good, damm good, but of course in Texas we grow them THIS big”

In reply someone at the end of the table replies in a dead pan voice “Yes but we grow them to fit in our mouths” Brits fall about the place the visitors look bemused.

 

[yenrod]

..upon tripping up on the pavement on way to work in the morning a cycle commuter who was going thru a red light at the time said to me "free kick there son"....

It really did make me LOL !

Cause it was soo inyourfacecheeky.