Best put downs.....

[Yellow Fang]

An acquaintance of Oscar Wilde said to him, "I walked past your house last night."
Oscar Wilde replied, "Thank you."

 

[Thomk]

My (cycling) mates favourite line to poor car drivers (in his very posh accent) is:
"I do apologise, I was labouring under the misapprehension that this model of car came with a steering wheel as standard" before trundling off.

 

[atbman]

There was an OU member of staff with severe cerebral palsy, but, obviously, very intelligent. However, in his earlier days he was obliged to attend a day centre where he was given some basket weaving to do (cerebral palsy not withstanding). On volunteer, very posh, tried to encourage him by saying it was a wonderful skill to have. He then spoke to her, but his speech was very, very indistinct. Very Posh lady (VPL) asked his carer what he said and she replied that perhaps she wouldn't really want to know. VPL insisted.

Carer, "If basket weaving is so bleeping wonderful, why the bleep aren't you bleeping doing it"

A friend, in final stages of a muscle wasting disease, had to start using a wheelchair. Said to his social worker after a couple of weeks, "This is the first time I've felt actually disabled". She said that they preferred to use the term "differently abled". He replied, "The first time I went to the Town Hall and looked at all thos bloody steps, I was so differently abled I was completely bleeped".

 

[[Philip]]

"I wish I could spent time to rip apart your logic, however the disability discrimination act prohibits me from picking on a retard."

Or the classic "I wish I was as smart as you think you are"

 

[swee'pea99]

Not *exactly* a put down, but in the same general area...(and again, my apologies if you've heard it before)...my sis, in the chip chop with a mate, & the guy behind the counter offered to wrap up their fish & chips. Her friend said no - he'd put on his own s & v. A moment later: "Oi mate, you sure this fish was dead when you put it in here?" Bloke behind the counter looks baffled: "'Course it was - what you talking about?" "....'cos it seems to 'ave eaten all the chips." Bloke grumpily adds a scoop...

 

[surfdude]

in a pub heard a bloke say to a girl .can i get into your knickers . no reply's girl . theirs one ar*ehole in them already and i don't think there is room for another one .

 

[Andy_R]

During a "disagreement"..."I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong"

 

[Kestevan]

Years ago in a Nightclub, a young lady of somewhat less than average attractiveness was trying to chat up my mate.... he looked her up and down, and said "Have you got a sister called Cinderella". It took about 20 seconds to sink in - considerably less than the subsequent drink she dowsed him with.

On a sportive a couple of years ago some twonk in a beaten up astra was giving one of the riders some verbal at the traffic lights, said riders responce was "F*&K-off son, my wheels are worth more than that pile of shite".

 

[swee'pea99]

Truman Capote having a meal with friends when a gushing fan comes over and asks for his autograph, which he agrees. Her husband, drunk, takes offense at this, comes over to the table, unzips himself and says: why don't you sign that while you're at it? In the stunned silence that follows, Capote looks down at the offending object, says: Well I don't think I can autograph it...perhaps I could initial it.

 

[Silver Fox]

An accused had been found guilty at Crown Court and was sentenced to several years inside. As the guilty party was being taken down the stairs he launched a tirade of abuse at the judge calling him amongst other things a stupid old b'stard.

The judge ordered the prisoner back into the dock and explained to the individual that he, the judge, would soon be leaving to go home where his wife would be waiting. He would then shower and change before going out for a nice evening meal with his wife and family before retiring to a very comfortable bed.

Still addressing the prisoner the judge then commented that you on the other hand are now starting a lengthy prison sentence. So he asked, who's the stupid b'stard.

Take him down.

 

[slowwww]

Groucho Marx had a chat show in the 1930s and was interviewing a Mexican lady who had a then World record of 16 children.

He asked her why she had had so many children and she just shrugged and said "I love my husband!"

He responded " I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while!"

 

[ACS]

In the early '80 I was on traffic duty at the entrance to a very busy RAF station in Germany. To avoid any confusion or misinterpretation of hand signals, saluting officers was not a requirement.

One busy Monday morning a soft top MBG came to a halt next to my colleauge and a visiting Officer from a Guards Regt shouted in an attempt to cause as much embarrasment as possible " Don't you salute army officer's in the RAF!" To which he received the following response "We don't have any, carry on"

 

[Chris S]

I got flashed a few years back and told the guy "No thank you, I roll my own"

In a similar vein, "not very big, is it?"

 

[Primal Scream]

On a site with a moaning engineer he commented that the job was sh1t and all surveyors were clueless self-gratification artists. my reply was I was going off to a decent lunch with a client, earned at least double his money and would be home by 3 o,clock while he was still working so who is the self-gratification artist.


Playing a football matchin my fifties a young lad was running me ragged, he remarked that I was a has been, my reply was unlike you i did not start as a never will be.

 

[vernon]

In a similar vein, "not very big, is it?"

Burst out laughing and say, "I laugh at any little thing"