Can people really change???

[Andrew_Culture]

I hesitate to say this, but you ask me to back up my argument with evidence, and then mention troglodyte thuggery, for which one assumes you have primary evidence for?

Ultimately anthropologically humans probably haven't changed much if you judge them as a whole, but what positivity has ever come from painting any picture of a group of people with the same poopy dipped brush.

 

[gbb]

I have a friend who caused a fair bit of mayhem in his life with gambling.

He gambled every penny he could get his hands on, had borrowed money from virtually eveyone who knew him, destroyed relationships to the point people including his family disowned him, lost numerous jobs, his self respect, dignity and most of the people who cared for him and told lies that Walter Mitty would be proud of.

I always kind of stood by him and tried to help him. I encouraged him to seek help and he never did. 3 years ago he literally had no one or anywhere to go or turn to. (I was on holiday at the time). He stood on a bridge and was going to throw himself off and in the end never went through with it.

The next day he walked into gamblers anonymous off his own back and has not gambled since. He got himself a flat, a job and attends 3 GA meetings per week. He has a new partner in his life, his family and various friends are back in his life and has really turned things around and in my opinion back to the guy he was before he turned into a compulsive gambler. Last week I attended his 3 year PIN which is a celabration and what GA call a year off a bet. Like a birthday in AA.

I had lunch today with a mutual friend. He loaned him £500 4 years ago which he got back but wants nothing to do with him and has not spoken to the mate who's a gambler for 3 and a half years.

I was explaining that he has made huge strides to change himself and his life but he reckons it's all just an act or just a phase and will revert back to his old ways at one point as "a leopard can't change his spots" and will never speak or have anything to do with him ever again.

I wholeheartedly disagree and genuinely think that people can change.

What's your thoughts as I was a bit ****ed off at my mate for being so close minded?

Your last line makes me think...TBH, what right have you to EXPECT you mate to forgive him, or at least let bygones be bygones. He's the one that's £500 down, not you and although you've given a lot (and that deserves respect)... It doesn't really give you the right to expect others to follow your example.

As said, respect to you for sticking by a friend, but the other guy obviously hasn't found it in himself to forgive him, you have to respect that too.

 

[Shaun]

It's a matter of trust. Sometimes, when someone has repeatedly broken other people's trust, the best way to handle all future dealings with them is, quite simply, never to trust them again. This protects you from the hurt, loss, shame, disruption, chaos, etc. that comes along when that trust is broken.

All you can do really is hope that one day your friend can learn to trust your (ex-gambler) friend again - but also accept that he may never be able to do that (and that this is okay and shouldn't diminish your friendship with him). All he's really doing is what he feels he needs to do to protect himself from having his trust broken again.

Keep both friends, accept them as they are, and don't worry if they don't get on - it's not something you can really fix.