Cycling Jokes

[Freddyflintstone]

Two cyclists
One said to the other "Every time I go on tour, the wife gets pregnant"
"Everytime" said the other
"Everytime!, Next time I'll take her with me"

 

[mickle]

Two nuns riding their bikes along a cobbled road. One turns to the other and says; 'I've never come this way before'.

 

[akb]

A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub. In walks a piece of red tarmac. The bit of motorway whispers to the bit of carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a bit of a cyclepath!"

 

[Freddyflintstone]

A cyclist goes to the doctor
"Doc, since I have been using my new Turbo Excerciser, my bum doesn't half hurt"
"Ah!, I see the problem. Theres a mince pie stuck up there"
"Don't worry I will soon have it out, I have some cream for it"

 

[G-Zero]

Best served on motorbike forums, but I'm sure you'll get the gist ;-

I raced a Honda Goldwing the other day, and after some really hard riding I finally managed to pass the guy. We were on one of those really, twisty and hilly sections of country road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that advise "15 MPH".
If I was going to pass one of those beasts, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the tighter bends and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three bends later, I was on his tail.... Catching him was one thing.

Two bends later, I got alongside him as we speeded down a steep hill. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, and I nearly got past him before he could recover. Next bend, same thing. I'd manage to get alongside him in the bends, but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off braking until the last second. I kept my nerve while he lost his and at last I got past him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine fading as he struggled to catch back up.

But now I was in the lead, and he could no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the end of the
country road, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.......................




















I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life

 

[Richard Davis]

This Sunday morning, as early on every other Sunday, the cyclist slipped quietly out of bed put on his gear and went out to the garage to check the bike. The weather was bad, cold, gusty wind and rain. "I'll just check the forecast" he thought. The forecast was not good. The cyclist struggles with his conscience, then remembers he does this because he loves to ride, and decides today to skip the traning ride. He quietly goes back upstairs, undresses and climbs back into bed. By way of explaination he says "The weather's filthy out there", and his sleepy wife replies "Can you believe my husband went out in that crap?"

 

[Gareth]

A surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.

 

[Gareth]

Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill, but making heavy weather of it. At the top, Jack said: 'I didn't think we'd make it!' Jill replied, 'Nor did I - what a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have slid all the way back down!'

 

[wheres_my_beard]

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

 

[Gareth]

Where's your bicycle Vicar" I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). "Don't know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday" he replied. "At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to 'thou shalt not steal' God will sort it out, I've got faith."

The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: "Well, I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery.......then I suddenly remembered where I left my bike.."

 

[Gareth]

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

 

[Gareth]

Despite all the weight you put on over Christmas, you know you can take it off by purchasing titanium components in the January sales.

 

[baldycyclist]

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.​

"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."​

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"​