OP
OP
Broughtonblue
Guru
- Location
- Norfolk
None
Got to try and face work this afternoon but to be honest I just want to shut the curtains and stay in bed,
Mrs is going bloody cinema!!!!
Divorce
- Thread starter Broughtonblue
- Start date
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Got to try and face work this afternoon but to be honest I just want to shut the curtains and stay in bed,
Mrs is going bloody cinema!!!!
ScotiaLass
Guru
- Location
- Middle Earth
Go to the doctor then go to work.
It may be difficult but I'm sure people will understand if you tell them. Work will concentrate your mind on something else for a while.
Stay strong!
Sara_H
Guru
It's probably going to be like this for a while I'm afraid.
But it really will get better. Focus on looking after yourself, eat well, exercise gently. It really will help.
Also, do things your mrs would normally disapprove of.
For me it was leaving appliances plugged in! (ex husband had OCD). Immensely satisfying!
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
Leave the toilet seat up.
Take up smoking indoors.
Leave dirty dishes on the draining board.
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
Reminds me of the Jerry Reed song - She got the Gold Mine I got the Shaft.
Hip Priest
Veteran
And the hit & run, and the assault? When something bad happens to you, you tend to come on here and elicit sympathy. Pity you can't show a bit of empathy, or at least keep your mouth shut, when someone else is going through a tough experience.
jugglingphil
Senior Member
- Location
- Nottingham
Just read the hole thread and have been impressed with the cc community. There has been a lot of good advice given.
I can only add, don't group all the problems together. Not everything needs solving immediately. Don't focus on how you imagine the new life will be, that will take care of itself once you look out for yourself now.
Take some support where you can get it, brother/kids/counsellor/cyclechat/etc and try not to focus on the negative (I know that bit will be hard).
Most of us have even been threw the same situation or watched close friends, it will get better.
Take care and look after yourself
I can only add, don't group all the problems together. Not everything needs solving immediately. Don't focus on how you imagine the new life will be, that will take care of itself once you look out for yourself now.
Take some support where you can get it, brother/kids/counsellor/cyclechat/etc and try not to focus on the negative (I know that bit will be hard).
Most of us have even been threw the same situation or watched close friends, it will get better.
Take care and look after yourself
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
[QUOTE 3538701, member: 9609"]Fits in with Robbie Williams Candy lyrics
she has lots of different houses from lots of different men.[/QUOTE]
And Seasick Steve's "I started off with nothing and I've still got most of it left'
she has lots of different houses from lots of different men.[/QUOTE]
And Seasick Steve's "I started off with nothing and I've still got most of it left'
w00hoo_kent
One of the 64K
- Location
- Maidstone or Greenwich
Read the thread, good to hear Sunday was positive after Saturday night, but it's going to be a long job as people have said. Ups and downs.
I know a lot of folks have said 'don't worry about the kids, they're adults, they can cope' etc. But I'm going to chuck in my tuppence. It sounds like you are all still close, for their benefit, keep them in the loop and treat them like the adults that they are. Don't be tempted to lie and sugar coat things for them. I was 18 when my folks divorced after 23 years and the initial foray took 3 days from announcement to empty house. Do not underestimate what a shock to the system that can be for them too. Yeah, you need to look after number 1, but don't just presume it's not going to hit them. The life that they took for granted for 20 years has just radically changed. The stability that they expected isn't there any more and potentially what they presumed was a functioning marriage has turned out to be a lie. If you felt they'd believe that your wife was 'sleeping in another room because she had a cold' then this whole thing is going to have come out of the blue. There's no reason one or both of them aren't going to be going through something surprisingly similar to what you are going through.
I don't know the specifics, none of us should, and all of this advice is worth exactly what you've paid for it. It's life experience not real trained knowledge or anything. But hopefully one of us will say something that helps, even by accident. Hopefully you and your sons can be there for each other in this.
It sounds like things are going in the right direction, I hope things turn out as well as they can.
I know a lot of folks have said 'don't worry about the kids, they're adults, they can cope' etc. But I'm going to chuck in my tuppence. It sounds like you are all still close, for their benefit, keep them in the loop and treat them like the adults that they are. Don't be tempted to lie and sugar coat things for them. I was 18 when my folks divorced after 23 years and the initial foray took 3 days from announcement to empty house. Do not underestimate what a shock to the system that can be for them too. Yeah, you need to look after number 1, but don't just presume it's not going to hit them. The life that they took for granted for 20 years has just radically changed. The stability that they expected isn't there any more and potentially what they presumed was a functioning marriage has turned out to be a lie. If you felt they'd believe that your wife was 'sleeping in another room because she had a cold' then this whole thing is going to have come out of the blue. There's no reason one or both of them aren't going to be going through something surprisingly similar to what you are going through.
I don't know the specifics, none of us should, and all of this advice is worth exactly what you've paid for it. It's life experience not real trained knowledge or anything. But hopefully one of us will say something that helps, even by accident. Hopefully you and your sons can be there for each other in this.
It sounds like things are going in the right direction, I hope things turn out as well as they can.
Been there myself. Lost my wife, kids, house. Started again in my 40's, then lost my job. Don't worry about hard decisions, most of them will be decided for you as the legal system will determine who gets what. She might say 'This is what will happen', but at the end of the day, she has to abide by any judgement made in court. The one thing that got me through, was not allowing myself to be alone and isolated. Having people around is essential, as your mind will wander into some pretty dark places if you have no-one to talk to and nothing else to concentrate on. Just going outside and being in daylight will help. We all cope in different ways, but being positive and not allowing myself to be the victim, helped me enormously. Being proactive and not reactive was what got me through in the end. This isn't the end, it's the start of something else.
Saluki
World class procrastinator
- Location
- ...Norwich over the water.
The cinema! It sounds as if your wife has moved on already and is leaving you floundering around in her wake.
I agree with the idea of doing stuff that she wouldn't like you doing, extra bike rides, watching the football, not plumping the cushions or whatever. After all, she'll be moving out very soon and the house will be in your care.
The roller coaster feeling are totally normal and you just have to ride them out as best you can. This is a brand new week so using a bit of distance can help you. All this happened LAST WEEK, this is a new week so that's a week gone now. Soon it will be last month and then we'll be in spring so it will be last season. This was something that I was taught by a CPN friend of mine. My very long term BF (20 years give or take) got drunk and beat me up on fireworks night (15 years ago now) and I was left reeling. Not just from being duffed up but from the fact he had another woman and had for some time, he moved out (thrown out actually). The whole 'last week, last month and then - very quickly - last year' thought really helped me through.
Have a chat with HR when you get to work. Keep them in the loop. I am sure that they are used to dealing with marital break ups amongst their workforce. Try and do stuff that you enjoy doing, even if you don't initially want to do it. You might find that you really enjoy it once you are doing it.
I agree with the idea of doing stuff that she wouldn't like you doing, extra bike rides, watching the football, not plumping the cushions or whatever. After all, she'll be moving out very soon and the house will be in your care.
The roller coaster feeling are totally normal and you just have to ride them out as best you can. This is a brand new week so using a bit of distance can help you. All this happened LAST WEEK, this is a new week so that's a week gone now. Soon it will be last month and then we'll be in spring so it will be last season. This was something that I was taught by a CPN friend of mine. My very long term BF (20 years give or take) got drunk and beat me up on fireworks night (15 years ago now) and I was left reeling. Not just from being duffed up but from the fact he had another woman and had for some time, he moved out (thrown out actually). The whole 'last week, last month and then - very quickly - last year' thought really helped me through.
Have a chat with HR when you get to work. Keep them in the loop. I am sure that they are used to dealing with marital break ups amongst their workforce. Try and do stuff that you enjoy doing, even if you don't initially want to do it. You might find that you really enjoy it once you are doing it.
I have little faith in HR whether it is big or small company. They have become a referral service at best. Even when the issue involves the workplace, they struggle to even follow procedures.
w00hoo_kent
One of the 64K
- Location
- Maidstone or Greenwich
But, if you bring it to their notice then they have to follow procedures with it. If they fail, and then penalise you because of it you have more of a leg to stand on. It's worth doing for something like this, just to cover yourself. It's awful to get 6 months down the line and realise you are suffering extra problems because of something you didn't feel up to pursuing right at the beginning.
Geoff Crowther
"... travel far, not fast", Ted Simon
- Location
- Hayfield, High Peak
Excellent advice!
OP
OP
Broughtonblue
Guru
- Location
- Norfolk
Update:
Been docs and he's put me on the pill, arranging a councellor but he's also signed me on the sick for a week because I broke down and was an uncontrollable mess! With the redundancy thing looming I don't know what to do about work so I've arranged to meet my manager in reception before the start of my shift, to see if it will affect the redundancy decisions, if he's involved in the decision at all!
Also been round to see the in-laws! After all they are still my friends as well as her parents, all very emotional but amicable, they were stunned as well!
As for doing things that will piss my wife off, I want us to split on good if not very good terms, but am tempted to move my turbo trainer into the living room from the garage!
Been docs and he's put me on the pill, arranging a councellor but he's also signed me on the sick for a week because I broke down and was an uncontrollable mess! With the redundancy thing looming I don't know what to do about work so I've arranged to meet my manager in reception before the start of my shift, to see if it will affect the redundancy decisions, if he's involved in the decision at all!
Also been round to see the in-laws! After all they are still my friends as well as her parents, all very emotional but amicable, they were stunned as well!
As for doing things that will piss my wife off, I want us to split on good if not very good terms, but am tempted to move my turbo trainer into the living room from the garage!