Early Friday Joke time :)

Tetedelacourse

New Member
Location
Rosyth
cisamcgu said:
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
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A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
:biggrin:

Och
 
OP
cisamcgu

cisamcgu

Legendary Member
Location
Merseyside-ish
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
 
OP
cisamcgu

cisamcgu

Legendary Member
Location
Merseyside-ish
And my favourite for today : ---


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 

Frazer

New Member
A woman is lying in bed one night when her husband walks in carrying a sheep under his arm. He says 'honey, this is the pig ive been shagging when you wont sleep with me'. The wife, shocked, replies 'but thats not a pig!'. The husband replied....


'I wasn't talking to you'




nasty, but funny :biggrin:
 
OP
cisamcgu

cisamcgu

Legendary Member
Location
Merseyside-ish
Just one more before lunch ...

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The husband asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of £1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
 

litespeeder

New Member
Location
Stockport
No wonder I'm tired ......

For several years I've been blaming it on cycling, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, alcohol, yellow wax build-up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

Then I realised I'm knackered because I'm overworked................

The population of this country is 60 million.

25 million are retired.

That leaves 35 million to do the work.

There are 23 million at school / college

That leaves 12 million to do the work.

2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government to look after us.

That leaves 6 million to do the work.

One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 5 million to do the work.

4 million are employed by County and Borough Councils to help the
government to look after us.

That leaves one million to do the work.

There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons.

Which leaves 2 people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting on your @rse, reading this!
 

Pete

Guest
Cheer up, Litespeeder, it ain't as bad as you think. Let's tot up your working times, reckoned in days:

Every year has.......................................... 365 days.
You sleep 8 hours each day -122 days.
That leaves............................................... 243 days.
You rest 8 hours each day -122 days.
That leaves............................................... 121 days.
You don't work Sundays -52 days
That leaves............................................... 69 days.
You probably get at least
half-day off Saturdays -26 days
That leaves................................................ 43 days.
There are eight bank holidays -8 days
That leaves................................................. 35 days.
You get at least 3 weeks annual leave -21 days
That leaves.................................................. 14 days.
You take half an hour off for lunch -7 days
That leaves.................................................. 7 days.
And I'll bet you get at least two
15 minute coffee breaks -7 days
That leaves................................................... 0 days.

So you don't actually work at all! What's bothering you?
 

Melvil

Guest
The head of the FA is walking along the road when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping...he walks over and says 'I saw you from across the street - can you manage?'



'F@@ off, I'm not taking the England job,' she retorts.
 

Noodley

Guest
Not a joke, but it brought a smile to my face. I am watching the Athletico Madrid v. Aberdeen match on the telly, and one of the players has just been stretchered off. The commentator said "He looks in a great deal of pain as he gets taken up the tunnel"...I bet :biggrin::biggrin:
 

Noodley

Guest
I went to the vet today woth my dog and the vet said "I'm going to have to put your dog down". He was only in for his booster so it was a real shock. "But why?" I asked. "Cos he's too heavy"

Thanks to Tommy Cooper
 
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