Early Friday Joke time :)

[Tetedelacourse]

Not a joke, but it brought a smile to my face. I am watching the Athletico Madrid v. Aberdeen match on the telly, and one of the players has just been stretchered off. The commentator said "He looks in a great deal of pain as he gets taken up the tunnel"...I bet

Yes that was the highlight of the game for me too. It's never nice to a player taken up the tunnel early on.

 

[Tetedelacourse]

Hear about the blacksmith's dug?

Made a bolt for the door.

 

[Tetedelacourse]

Man walks into a bakers and says "is that a donut or a meringue?".

The baker says "naw yer right enough".

 

[Tetedelacourse]

Dolly Parton; she's got her knockers.

 

[Fnaar]

Hear about the blacksmith's dug?

Made a bolt for the door.

kick him in the nuts and he'll make a bolt...etc

 

[Noodley]

Another Scottish joke:

A Scotsman was walking in the glen when he saw a man leaning into a stream, scooping up water into his mouth with one of his hands.

"Dinnae drink that, it's foo o' mankie coo shite, and ye'll be deid afore ye ken it" he shouted

"I'm sorry, old chap. I'm up here from England. Could you speak a bit slower please?" came the reply

"Use...both...hands. You...will...get...more...water."

 

[Dayvo]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

 

[Dayvo]

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll gi yae £150!'

 

[Tetedelacourse]

A man goes to the doctor and explains that he has strange marks all over his wee fella.

The doctor asks "tell me, have you been masturbating vigorously?"

The man sheepishly replies "well, er, yes as it happens"

Doc replies "****in magic int it?"

 

[Noodley]

scottish "jokes" continue..

A man walks into the bakers. He points at the display and says "Is that a cake or a meringue?". "No yer right, it's a cake"

 

[Dayvo]

We seem to have found a theme!

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, 'Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English.'
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, 'This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English.'
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, 'My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?' 'Not when I'm driving the bloody bus!' was the reply.

 

[Dayvo]

A Scottish football fan told his mate, 'My dog watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it does somersaults.'
'Yer Kiddin me, right? How many somersaults can it do?' asked his impressed friend.
The Football fan replied, 'Depends on how hard I kick it...'

 

[Noodley]

Chic Murray...

I met a cowboy. He wore a brown paper shirt, a brown paper jacket and a brown paper hat. He was wanted for rustling.

 

[col]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

 

[longers]

Like it col .

Could someone please say they don't understand the meringue jokes as I don't want to show my ignorance, thanks. .